Writing School

[Ducklover2]

Still waiting om quote.

 

[RiverStorm]

The one for this week.
There's another one?

Wait no
BSBF made two not you never mind XD I'll take a look at Amara!

 

[Amer]

I wrote this last night and I was kinda stressed at the time plus I needed to go so it's not really good XD
If this has too much blood, tell me. It's not good and 'twas rushed, but whala. (Also, I do best writing death scenes from other characters perspectives, not the character who is dying, so this is really, really awkward for me to write XD)

Spoiler: Skoll's Sacrifice (Has Violence)

Skoll's eyes flashed as he hardly avoided the steel blade of a man's knife. Get it away from him, stay fast.
He was engaged in a deathly dance of a fight with a man who was adorned with black and grey camo, the man's eyes smoldering with an odd hatred, even though Skoll was sure he had never laid eyes on the soldier in his meager sixteen years of life. We know how this man seems to feel about Skoll, but what does Skoll feel of this man?
The man hurtled towards him, swinging his blade near Skoll's throat, merely for the burly silver haired boy to leap at a surprising speed backwards to avoid its blow of death.
He eyed him as though the man was a poisonous snake, aimed to strike its long fangs into his leg and emit its poison into his blood flow.
Skoll lurched forward, a hand extended as he slammed into the man, reaching to grip down the knife.
He gave a screeching yelp of pain as the blade dug into his skin, crimson blood dripping at a fast rate from the deep gash in his left hand. He yanked his hand back, before grabbing the back of the man's head by his hair with his right hand, his wounded left hand digging into the man's hand for the knife's handle. Come on, come on! I had an interesting thought here. I think defiled, or another powerful word describing dirty would work somewhere in this work. Would add more variety.
Finally, the man was forced to left go when Skoll twisted his head towards an unnatural angle, his grip on the knife lessening ever-so slightly that Skoll could steal away the knife, before burying his knee into the man's side, sending him to the ground as he released his grip on the black hair.
He ripped forward, shoving the knife into the man's throat, grimacing as blood bubbled up and washed over his hand. The feeling of someone else's blood on his hands... It made him sick. Killing was nothing to be proud of, but war was war, right?
He backed away from the man, clutching the now stained crimson knife. He turned, searching to see if his friends needed help.
Lachlan seemed to be doing fine, which shocked Skoll. His little cousin had never been much for violence. The fact that River and Thomas were seemingly missing was sickening. If anything happened to his cousin and her friend... Well, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Let alone face his mother, Kayla, to bring news that her dear sister's daughter had possibly departed from this life.
Where's Fola?
He whirled in a circle, searching for the snappy girl with earnest. There!
Fola was cornered by a man with a gun, her face curled into a sharp snarl.
Without thinking as he usually did, he surged forward, throwing himself between the girl he despised maybe explain that more? Why is she despised? Is he regretting doing this cause he doesn't like her, or does he not hate her that much? I dunno and the gun, just as something caused his ears to buzz, his stomach turning with a sickening feel of nausea and... Pain?
He stumbled backwards, his stomach burning with a scorching fire. He was hardly aware of anything happening, somehow the man was lifeless in a few moments, possibly by the hand of Fola-- If she had gotten around him and quickly found a weapon, or more likely Lachlan, who was suddenly by Skoll's side.
No, get away. Why are you leaning on me? Er, why am I leaning on you? What's-- Oh-- Argh! He couldn't help but start sliding to his knees as his brain processed the pain and began screaming at him to force it to stop. Crimson maybe use a different word, like vermilion? Crimson is getting redundant. stained his dark grey shirt, blood spitting from it. Oh God.
The bullet had torn straight through him, ripping his insides apart as it passed its metal fangs through them.
The fire inside him was growing by the passing seconds, the earth underneath him starting to spin, the sky starting to turn hazy and the air thicken as he sustained major blood lose. I like this twist on it. Nice.
He didn't know how it happened, but he was soon on his back, Fola pressing her cold hands against his wound for presser, Lachlan defending them from anything that dared to come near.
His sight was starting to go black around the edges, his clothes almost entirely coated with blood by now, sourly metallic blood starting to bubble up and spill from his mouth.
"Come on, Skoll, River's gonna kill me if you die!" Fola muttered, but he couldn't help but catch something in her voice... Regret? Pity? Odd. Does he care she is trying to help? What does he think of this?
"I'm--" His weakened voice was cut off by a wheezing cough. "--I'm fine! Be better by dinner, alright-y?" He said, his voice taking on a hopefully soothing silliness. Maybe think: I don't want to die, or was this worth all this? Have some internal conflict that explains what he's all about here, not just observations on the others. How does he feel?
He squinted, tears squeezing from his eyes, his throat closing off as pain ripped up his nerves. It shouldn't have been different, he had taken plenty of blows in his life. Never a bullet, however.
Trembles broke out over his body, a cold sweat erupting from his temple, his eyes rolled back into his head, his body convulsing in racking coughs as blood filled his lunges and chest cavity, drowning him in his own blood.
Please, just make it stop. Please make it stop. He was aware of Fola rolling him to his side so that he could more easily spit the blood out, her voice seemingly distant and vague as she mumbled to him frantically.
He flinched as darkness started to take over his vision, absorbing him in blackness. No, stay awake… does he know he's dying?

His body went limp, signifying death’s dark arrival.

Also, I have no clue why Skoll, Fola, River, Thomas, and Lachlan are fighting these dudes, I'm not that far in the story yet XD

Suggestions in fuscia, places requiring editing in bold.
In the quote above
My revisions aren't that great sorry

 

[RiverStorm]

Don't forget to put them into spoilers for scrolling speed and so people don't lose their ideas.

Spoiler: Amara

"Sky above me, Earth below me, Fire inside me."
Amara tugged a loose, windblown, dusty-brown curl out of her face and shoved it behind an ear. She really wish she had brought some kind of hair containing device on this journey.
The windblown moors of Scotland were something to be reckoned with when you had only a tent, bedding, windbreaker, some clothes, and a pack full of food and water to defend yourself with.
Bear spray could have been useful in retrospect, seeing as she was traveling alone, but Amara had originally thought she could see anything, -or anyone- coming from miles away.
Now she started to feel the loneliness of traveling alone, and wished she had brought something extra to cling to when she heard a bump in the night.
She missed her comfortable room with soft covers and a cosy lamp to read by. But she had a mission.
The wind chilled her to the bone, it had burned her cheeks to a rosy color.
Hands over her face, she went forward.
Like she had for many days.
It mustn't be much longer.
It couldn't be much longer. For her sake.
Amara crested another hill, the same monotonous emerald, revealing a valley of the same color. Well, almost.
Here it was broken up by rocks and dirt, which was not unusual.
But in the center of the valley, a little saffron colored path wandered, leading to a spot in the distance.
Amara's heart raced. I've found the Moorway!
She stumbled as she ran down the steeper side of the hill, towards that beautiful dirt path. Anything else was beautiful in the endless bleak greenscape, though it appeared beautiful to her for the first few days.
And just to see life! A miracle in itself.
The wary red deer and indifferent, lost sheep were now her friends, in her mind, adding contrast to the landscape.
Amara picked her way along the path, glancing west at the sun. Three or four hours. Three or four short hours to make it all the way to Glossen castle.
Or to be doomed another night in this beastly place.
She picked up the pace, making an attempt to pace herself. The pack on her back was lighter, she had to make it, since there wasn't much food left.
The sun was falling quickly, the beautiful orange star leaving lovely pink and red streaks in its grand exit.
Amara ran a little, picking up little clouds of yellow dust on her already soiled clothing.
But the sun approached its final curtain, and the world was lit only by the waning moon, and the stars, rapidly increasing in their numbers.
Amara took heavy breaths, self consciously looking left and right. She had never been on the moor at night before, in all the summer days of her travels, wisely setting up camp ahead of time.
The pack sat heavily upon her back, but she was assured by its presence, to never be left alone in this place without anything of use.
A tear drifted down her face. She had to get there. If she didn't, she would die here.
Her memories drifted back to her sister's note. Get to Glossen Castle, and we may meet again.
Amara fingered her leathern shirt, given to her by that strong young woman, Bri, her sister.
Amara wished she could be brave like her sister, off on adventures. But when her sister had decided to find the fabled castle, Amara had said the woman had written her death and refused to go.
Because of her decision, Bri was there, living among druids and magical creatures, while Amara was traveling alone on the moor.
What would her sister do? She would be brave? What would she say? Amara thought back to the letter. "Sky above me, Earth below me, Fire inside me." Somehow she remembered those words, though the letter had disintegrated on a rainy night on the moor.
To boost her confidence, Amara repeated those words in that letter: "'Sky above me, Earth below me, Fire inside me.'"
She took a deep breath and followed in her sister's footsteps.
It was comforting to think she was probably walking behind her sister.
And in the sparkling sky to the west, her destination, there glowed a new light. A great palace, glowing with a magical light, sprawled in the distance.
And there, at the door, was the silhouette of a strong, beautiful woman.
As she approached, Amara recognized the beautiful vermillion curls and the round, freckled face.
"Sister! Bri!"
Bri recognized the voice, and a strange shroud fell from her face, loneliness perhaps. She opened her arms.
She ran towards the voice, and the girls embraced.
"I knew you would come," Bri said.
And the girls feasted with nixies, druids, and fairies, dancing all the night long.

Sorry if its trashy, been a long weekend.

The part: "Now she started to feel the loneliness of traveling alone, and wished she had brought something extra to cling to when she heard a bump in the night.
She missed her comfortable room with soft covers and a cosy lamp to read by. But she had a mission." Seems a weird transition from the first part to the next part. Perhaps combine these two into something like: "She was starting to feel the loneliness of traveling alone, and her want for her comfortable room with soft covers and her cosy lamp that she read by was growing by the second, especially when she heard a noise in the night. However, she had a mission, and she couldn't abandon that." Just a suggestion. There's several, not many, sentences like that.
Other than that I would say it's pretty good Nice story!

 

[Amer]

The part: "Now she started to feel the loneliness of traveling alone, and wished she had brought something extra to cling to when she heard a bump in the night.
She missed her comfortable room with soft covers and a cosy lamp to read by. But she had a mission." Seems a weird transition from the first part to the next part. Perhaps combine these two into something like: "She was starting to feel the loneliness of traveling alone, and her want for her comfortable room with soft covers and her cosy lamp that she read by, was growing by the second, especially when she heard a noise in the night. However, she had a mission, and she couldn't abandon that." Just a suggestion. There's several, not many, sentences like that.
Other than that I would say it's pretty good Nice story!

Oh, thanks, that makes sense. I didn't like how it transitioned either.

 

[RiverStorm]

Suggestions in fuscia, places requiring editing in bold.
In the quote above
My revisions aren't that great sorry

Thanks, Amer! I'mma answer the questions about him

Spoiler

He pretty much doesn't have a feeling either way on the man, since he doesn't know him, other than being highly guilty for killing him, since he believes he probably has a family.
Ooh, thank you! I'll try adding description like that to hands in the future.
He's just never gotten along with Fola They've always both been more of hard headed leaders, and never agree with each other. Fola also just doesn't like his personality, which he has picked up on, they also often have verbal fights over random things, and he doesn't like her usual hardheartedness either.
Ah, yeah, thanks!
A little touched and confused that she tried to help.
Oh yeah, I can't believe I didn't have him do that He's pretty scared.
Yeah, he does.

 

[Amer]

Thanks, Amer! I'mma answer the questions about him

Spoiler

He pretty much doesn't have a feeling either way on the man, since he doesn't know him, other than being highly guilty for killing him, since he believes he probably has a family.
Ooh, thank you! I'll try adding description like that to hands in the future.
He's just never gotten along with Fola They've always both been more of hard headed leaders, and never agree with each other. Fola also just doesn't like his personality, which he has picked up on, they also often have verbal fights over random things, and he doesn't like her usual hardheartedness either.
Ah, yeah, thanks!
A little touched and confused that she tried to help.
Oh yeah, I can't believe I didn't have him do that He's pretty scared.
Yeah, he does.

Cool

 

[Amer]

Prompt! Prompt!

 

[cathloveydovey]

Prompt! Prompt!

tMR

 

[Ducklover2]

I have failed haven't i?