Anyone want to trade mom's? dilemma, need advice

[TexasVet]

I have to side with Laney on this one. Kids deserve to know the truth, and making excuses for Grandma or pretending that she's just a little quirky would stick in my craw. I had this same kind of situation with my father, so I explained to my son that Grandpa was a bit of a loon, and his negative, nasty behavior had nothing to do with anything DS had said or done. Doing anything less would have been "covering" for Dad's unacceptable behavior, and it prevented DS from feeling that he was to blame.

Kathy, Bellville TX
www.CountryChickens.com

 

[cmjust0]

I haven't spoken to my mom in...jeez...18 months?

My dad left when I was two.. My mom absolutely hated him for it, but then again, she apparently hated him before he left -- that's generally accepted as true by all accounts. My dad had already met my stepmom when he split, and they married pretty quickly afterward.. In fact, they pretty much had a new life all planned out when he walked out the door. That's bad, yeah...but it set the stage for something that turned out to be far more insidious.

Like I said, I was two. When my dad remarried, we went for custody visits regularly. I've never known my dad to be unhappy in my whole life, and it was fun spending time around him. I liked my stepmom and her family, too.

That infuriated my mom. I'd come back to her house from a fun weekend at my dads and there she'd be, miserable as always.. When I'd talk about this fun thing or that fun thing or how my stepmom did this or that...well, you can imagine. My mom was just livid that my dad had the gall to go off and be happy.. To hear me talk about it was just too much.

In my mom's head, I came to be seen as the embodiment of my dad's happiness. I came to be the thing that reminded her on a biweekly basis that he was doing great. She began to belittle me and tried to make me feel bad for not hating him, but I've always been somewhat...stubborn. The more she tried to make me hate him, the more I dispised her and took up for him. It wasn't uncommon to have her, in a single breath, tell me how much she hated my dad and that I was just like him.

I can see all this clearly today, but then...she just seemed mean and hateful, and I really couldn't stand her. Things just steadily got worse and worse over the years..

When I was old enough to drive, I started working and while still to school and spent as much time away from home as possible. I just put my head down and pushed through...got my education, got a good-paying FT job with benefits and had a house built at 21.. Moved the heck out ASAP. Things improved between us for a time...when she needed things from me, mostly. Distance was good, though.

About a year and a half ago, a series of events transpired that I simply will not recount here. All I'll say is that I was reeling from a huge loss and she thought nothing of telling me, basically, that I just needed to get over it.. Why? Well, so I could do something that was important to her.. We're talking about a matter of just a day or two after my whole world fell apart... She chose to pick a gigantic fight with me when I was at the absolute lowest point in my life.

We haven't spoken in any meaningful way since that day, and I don't intend to start.. I've come to realize that she's a hugely negative influence on my life, and that I needed to get shed of her for the sake of my own wellbeing.

For all of you who have parents like this...I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

[turney31]

Laney, having grown up with a paranoid schizophrenic-bi-polar mother there is not much I haven't experienced.
sixlittlechickies-so glad she is coming, too bad about the boys. There might come a time where you have to steel yourself and put emotional distance between you! IT IS O.K.TO DO THAT FOR YOUR SANITY! Leave a window open for reconciliation.
Micah

 

[ScoobyRoo]

I have not read all the posts but why do you wait for her to come to you? Why not visit her? I know it can be tough with young kids but it is a two way street. Just wondered. I do hope things get worked out between you for the kids sakes.

 

[6littlechickies]

Well, she never showed up last night! What kills me is that I was stupid enough to mention it to DD (mainly b/c she kept asking and asking to go play with neighbor kids, i finally said someone may stop by--SHE guessed them).

So, finally at 7pm DH called them so the kids could talk to them while i ran into the store. The kids chatted with them for a few minutes--all very general topics. They did not explain why they didn't stop by but did tell the kids they were on their way back to NC and currently in WV. DH spoke with stepdad for a couple minutes, nothing of substance was said. I thought i heard him tell DH that the boys presents were with my brother but DH said no so I must have been hearing things. I did not speak to anyone.

I called my brother later last night as I thought he had gifts for the boys from her which would have meant he saw her and I wanted to hear how that went. Brother had NOT heard from her but had gotten a voicemail from the aunt mom stays with asking him to call her. I can only presume the gifts were left with her with the instructions to have my brother pick up and deliver them to us. He said he was not planning on returning the message as he had nothing to say to her.

ON to some of your comments/questions:
I'd wish I could just give every one of you a giant hug

you have all been so supportive and just hearing that I'm not alone makes me feel so much better. I still do not know what I'm going to do long term, I am not sure if I want a relationship with her but I would not want to sway the kids in either direction.
Henry'schickens - yes of course, we can just as easily go down to visit them but this particular issue was more revolving around them being in town this entire weekend and not calling/stopping by AND no acknowledgment of either birthdays. Up until the recent argument in March we would try to get together every couple months, sometimes they would come up or we would go down and many times we met halfway and stayed in a hotel for the weekend. I have also bought webcams (and offered to set theirs up) and have encouraged them to call or write ANYTIME. I have even had the kids call them just to say hi. Our effort just always feels so one sided.

cmjust0 - my parents divorced when I was a freshman in high school but NEVER, EVER got a long so that was really a blessing to me. My mother also hated that I got along with my father and would find ways to punish me for it. She even attempted to seek full custody by trying to get my doctors to say my father did not feed me when I was in his care. Side note: I have always been very petite, even now I'm barely 100 pounds, my mother felt that there was something wrong with me b/c i was tiny and forced me to spend several years with specialists attempting to find SOME medical problem to attribute to my size--After years of testing, poking, prodding and monitoring they found NOTHING and told her to leave me alone b/c she was actually causing me MORE stress with all these visits. Turns out they were right after all--once I left for school (and was away from her) I put on 25 pounds between the start of school and Thanksgiving break (which I promptly lost over xmas break). The ironic thing about her accusations was SHE was the one that did not cook or feed us! I did all the cooking for my brother and I when we were with her.

Lany - you really make a lot of sense, I'm searching for the words to explain to the kids (all of them) on their level. Poor things have already lost one grandparent (FIL died two years ago, very difficult illness--mesothelioma), I don't want them to lose contact with more. it's my DD that asks the most questions (she's 6.5) and I try to answer on her level and have told her that when she is a grown up she will understand more but that her nanny will always love her even if mommy and nanny don't get along. I'm trying to walk a fine line between the truth of the situation and what my child can understand.

Chickenmaven - It breaks my heart to see them upset and I find myself often biting my tongue before responding b/c I do not want to sour their relationship. I am sure they are picking up on my feelings at least somewhat b/c my 6YO DD has asked why nanny and I do not get along. I have told her that sometimes adults don't always get along but that does not mean nanny does not love her and her brothers. I do my best to not talk about her at all in front of them. The last time I actually spoke with her (July) I got a babysitter, left the house and called her from the road. I did that b/c i knew it was going to be a difficult phone call and adult things would be said, very glad I did b/c it was quite the argument (even DH was shocked).

Cammy -

Everyone has a choice to act the way they choose. You can act right and be a good person or you can choose to act wrongly. Everyone knows right from wrong. I think that it is sad that your mother is willing to lose the love of a child, because you can have no greater than that.

Seriously, i almost cried when i read this!!

it's like you crawled into my brain and read my thoughts. my heart is just breaking over this and I just can't see how she could throw away relationships so easily.

Thanks again everyone, if anyone has any additional ideas or suggestions I'm all ears. With the upcoming holidays, somehow I don't see this getting any easier.​

 

[FarmerChick]

I would not get into your parents legal problems.
It is their problem to handle. As much as you want to be in the middle, do not.
What they do is their business.


You can call your Mom for your kids.
Simple.
If you want contact with Grandma, make the call.
Say--do you want to call grandma, if the answer is yes, dial, say HI and hand the phone to the kids for a few minutes of chatting. She does not always have to be the one to call. You can do your kids a favor and keep them in contact with Grandma.

It is hard. You are fighting with her. But don't get into her business with your Dad and don't rely on her to contact the kids.

For me it is if you want the kids to chat with Grandma, give some effort. Put your feelings aside.



it is just how I see it. my personal opinion and take what you will from it of course.

I hope this problem all works out for you. Family problems are just the worst. I am so lucky I never had any problems with any family.

 

[6littlechickies]

farmerchick - I do have the kids call, whenever they want. It's more one sided on our end, we are mostly making the calls. they have only called once this year to talk to them, every other call has been initiated on our end. I have never told the kids they cannot call and they have left multiple messages on their voice mail. Even when the kids leave messages no calls are returned. I have also had the kids draw them pictures and have mailed them down.

I am trying (really, REALLY trying) to stay out of their legal issues and yes it is vVERY difficult as I truly believe she is in the wrong. She refuses to talk to me about it at all and that is fine as it is HER business. I did try to talk to her about it in July (very calmly) trying to understand where she was coming from but she first stonewalled and then lied to me so I still do not know her motivation. I have not involved myself with it other than to keep tabs on when court dates are so I have some forewarning she will be in the area.

 

[cmjust0]

Quote:
I gotcha.. I know what that's like.. For me, it was mostly verbal and psychological abuse, as there really weren't any other structure or set of prescribed punishments like taking away TV, grounding, etc.... She just yelled and screamed and occasionally lost complete control and smacked us around a little.

One interesting difference I notice between our stories is that, instead of trying to remove his custody, she used to threaten to send me to my dad's to live.. By the time things were REALLY bad, we were living 120mi away from my dad, so I'd have had to switch schools, lose all my friends, etc. Total life replacement, basically. That was the punishment aspect to it.

Well...she eventually threatened one too many times to call my dad and tell him to come get me for good... I said "Give me the phone. I'll call him myself."

Pretty sure she almost had a stroke... She knew I was deadly serious. Wouldn't give me the phone. I remember that she came into my room the next morning, woke me very quietly and asked "Did you mean what you said last night, about going to live with your dad?"

Yep. Sure did.

She just started bawling and acted like she was gonna jump off a very cliff or something. That was her MO when she'd get herself backed into a corner and realize she'd run out of options...just start crying and blather on about how everybody hates her and what a horrible person and mother she must be and blah blah blah.. Basically, hang herself so everyone would feel bad and rush to cut her down...metaphorically speaking, of course.

And so I did.. Told her it wasn't that she was a horrible person, but that I SERIOUSLY couldn't take it anymore.. I didn't end up going to live with my dad, because she made me feel like she was going to make an effort to change....which she didn't, obviously.

I couldn't even bear to tell my dad how close he'd come to getting 100% custody.. To have me all the time would simply have made his LIFE -- and not in a spiteful or vengeful way, either. He just loved his boys, and wanted us to be with him all the time.

I still sorta regret that to this day.. I know it would have completely changed my life trajectory, but I still sorta wish I'd just stuck to my guns and split the scene. My dad's getting older now, and I feel like I got seriously ripped off in terms of being able to spend time with him.

 

[cmjust0]

Quote:
Sometimes, keeping kids from people like that is the greatest favor you can do. Hard to say.

When I'm faced with a difficult decision like that, I usually just try to figure out what's the easiest thing to do.. The human mind is good at figuring out what's easy...figuring out what's right is much more difficult.

When I figure out what's easiest, I do the precise opposite.

I've found that the easy thing and the right thing are so rarely the same thing that doing the opposite of what's easy is almost always the right way to go.

So...if it's easiest just to call grandma and put the kids on the phone, don't do it. If it's easiest to not call grandma and let that relationship wither, call grandma..

That's how I'd look at it, anyway. I'm weird, though...your mileage may vary.

 

[6littlechickies]

cmjust10 - yes I was someone opposite, in that she wanted to keep us from him as a punishment to both he and us. she actually lost her 'fight', brother and I CHOSE to live with dad! Unfortunately for brother and I the decree was shared custody and we were forced to spend every Tuesday and Thursday nights with her and then every other weekend. They lived within walking distance of one another but it still sucked to spend four years back and forth daily to mom and dad. I know (based on court paperwork) it was her that pushed for those specific days where my father wanted us to have two continuous days with her to give us some sort of consistency in a household but he ended up giving in to her and going with Tues/Thurs. She had said my father only wanted my brother and I to be with her for two days at a time was so he could go out drinking (funny thing was it was HER that was painting the town and closing the bars while dad was to busy working and taking care of us to spend any time on himself).
She ended up moving down to NC and remarried when I was already out of the house but my brother was only 16. Once she moved, she never went back to court to change her visitation, she just ignored everything. She would invite my brother down for a week over summer break but offered no other support. My father was just so relieved to not have to deal with her daily that he did not pursue changing custody and require her to pay child support for my brother.
She did have full custody of us while the divorce was proceeding (took almost a year to settle) during that time her and I fought almost constantly, there was emotional, verbal and some physical abuse towards me (thank God my brother was spared, he's her fav). On more than one occasion the police were called to take pictures of events.
Even before their divorce she wasn't much of a mother, my father handled the majority of our care. She admitted to me more than once she never even wanted children, only had us to make my father happy.