No, it is not meant to be mean, and I am relieved she decided to leave...it sounds like a poorly organized and run barn, as well as having the old guy pick on her all the time. But I also think the OP is assuming I mean a lot of things I don't actually mean. When what someone says seems wrong, I'd prefer you ask for clarification instead of just attacking. I don't always get the right words down or complete the thought properly, so please ask if it sounds bad to you.
For example, maybe 'grow a thick skin' is interpreted as 'you're being a wimp' or 'this guy is fine', or something like that. I don't mean that. I mean just that being less affected by some comments can help in future.
Too, if someone doesn't seem to 100% agree with your point of view, it might be interesting to read through open mindedly anyway. It might not be of value for this situation, but might apply some other time, or to a friend who asks you for advice. I try to take everything in...I might not see the usefulness of the information right away, but I can store it away and it might prove useful some other day.
Re the riding comment: that it is pointless to try to compare one's own skill level to other people in order to get treated right. I did not mean she sucks, what I mean is, there are always people at all different levels of abilities in barns. A manager has to respect ALL of them. Treat them all decently. I don't feel one has to 'earn' good treatment thru achievement in riding. I've been at barns where I was a beginner and treated, well, and where I was treated like dirt. I think it is better to try to treat all riders, regardless of level, the same way. We've all seen the barn where the relative or the winning show rider gets fawned on by the owner or trainer...yech. I used to be with a trainer that did that. But HE fawned on the rich ones and didn't care how they rode. He always thought he would get something out of them....(grin) he never did.
There is not one barn I have ever been at, that didn't have some problems. We have to learn to deal with that. There are always little under currents and things to deal with. Where ever people gather.
As I've gotten older I've gotten less easily upset by what people say. Part of it is that over the years one sees the same behavior over and over. Part of it too, is I started realizing the 69 year old barrel racer who has taken on the role of Big Boss Man at his little run down backyard barn and is picking on boarders, he is really a very sad figure. I imagine when you leave, he'll stand in the door and shout down the driveway, 'and English riders stink!' and then shuffle back into his little barn. One gets to my age and starts feeling sorry for people.
But one also learns to beat the feet! As an old timer said, 'when you see a mess, don't step in it'. Such crude advice, a little funny, and a lot wise. He also said, 'if you ever seen someone tryin' to load a hoss and havin' a problem run don't walk the other way'. If you get the horse in they will hate you, if you don't, they will tell everyone it's your fault...that was his take on it.
I recall I was at a tack store and an old timer about his age was there, holding forth about how Appendix Quarter horses are so awful, they are ruining the breed. And sure, I know the whole debate already, I have heard it a thousand times. So when that comes up, and he says, 'what kinder horse you got?' I say, 'I had a foundation quarter horse....' which is true...foundating RUNNING quarter horse... 30 YEARS ago...LOL.. and then I make my best move...RUN!!!! Sprint for the car!!..LOL!
There was the barn manager who let the staff drive at top speed around the outside of the indoor arena. The beginner's horses would scatter and they would fly off their horses. Those riders were petrified of that truck or tractor tearing by the door. The parents complained to the riding instructor. Some customers left. Also a problem for me, trying to rehab an injured horse. I didn't want him spinning around on that leg.
The barn manager's view was, 'if their horses are afraid of that door they should be working the **** out of them down there and making them get used to it, and they will be better riders'.
My answer was that none of the riders were yet able to work a horse that way, and that he is the manager, not the trainer, and he has no contract stating they have agreed to be his students, and any court would find him in civil negligence if it came to a lawsuit, which it inevitably would. Yes, I was already loading up and leaving at that point...LOL. My only point is that there are issues from time to time in every barn.
Another one. A gal I know is hard of hearing. Another rider asked her if she could put her horse in the wash rack next to her. She didn't hear. It's Saturday AM, there are about 68 horses at that barn, and most of their owners and families are there on Saturday. She's hard of hearing - has tinnitus and had her head down cleaning the horse's feet. It takes her a second to realize someone is talking to her, and often she has to say, 'sorry, what?' as she doesn't get what they said.
BIG royal flap at the barn. Friend of the rider goes to the hard of hearing lady to tell her she was so rude to her sensitive, shy friend. The woman is like...'ok, when did I do that?'
A few months later, part of the older lady's horse's tail is hacked off, and her locker is filled with fresh manure.
Someone rides in front of someone accidentally. The other rider assumes it was deliberate, rather than the girl is just a beginner and clueless as to how to navigate around other riders. The cut off girl snaps, the other one snaps, and two months later, they get in a fist fight at the lesson sign up board when they both want the same time!
I do think it's important to avoid gossipers. Once I was standing there getting something out of my locker as quick as I could, and not an hour later, I heard a girl say, 'and Mary this and Mary that, and SHE agreed with us!' and pointing to me!
Once a beginner gal came into the ring and started giving me a 'lesson'. Now, at that barn there was a trainer, that we paid and there was NO teaching allowed by anyone else and stated in the board contract that this other gal had signed....what does one DO in such a situation. Well, she did not respond to 'please ask Vicki if you are allowed to teach here'...so I proceeded to very quietly and seriously do the exact opposite of every command she gave me..eventually she walked away.
These are examples, gleaned from decades of boarding, but the sad truth is that where ever people gather, little things do come up. A group of boarders may all like riding, but they may have very little else in common. What they value, how they communicate...they could have nothing else in common.
And I will still say - it's good to develop a thick skin, to smile and nod at most comments, and say loudly, 'THAAAANKS!' and walk away. Another popular comment (from southern manners) is 'Well BLESS YOUR HEART!' But that poker face, not looking like it is getting to you...that's important too. As an old friend told me, 'Think of it as a poker game'.
I agree with the general advice from the horse magazine, keep a low profile, don't ask for advice or help, don't seem to ever be interested in any advice or help, spend as little time hanging around at the barn as possible, and stay away from the drama llamas.
