Child taken off plane because mother slapped her...

[thaiturkey]

There's another aspect to physical child abuse, whether you call it 'spanking', 'smacking' or something else. As a poster just pointed out, a young child will cry as the only means he knows by which to get attention. Parents who hit their children are often those who like them to be quiet and not to interrupt whatever the parents are doing. So, a child learns that calling for attention gets him a smack and that smack may be almost the only attention he gets. From that, he learns to get 'attention' by being naughty in a number of ways. For him physical abuse represents the attention that he, being a child, needs. So, he grows up seeking abusive reactions to his behaviour. Just think where that might lead him (or her, indeed) on life's precarious path.

There's no denying that children can be taxing on a parent's patience. If you can't cope with it or find yourself resorting to violence, get some help for the sake of the child. Parenting is the most important job anyone could do and yet the only trainers that most of us had were our own parents. Sometimes a new parent has to make a huge effort to break the patterns of past generations and start to get it right.

This thread is about physical abuse of children and we haven't even touched on the equally important subject of emotional child abuse.

 

[debilorrah]

Emotional abuse occurs later in life when a child has the ability understand language. And yes, constant physical abuse will teach a child that the only way they can get attention is by acting out.

That is the reason that my belief that spanking should be done after a talking to, time alone to think about and THEN the punishment is delivered. Acting violent towards a child of any age out of anger is not teaching the child anything constructive.

 

[thaiturkey]

Quote:
A child's character is mainly formed within the first four years of his life, certainly the first eight. Parents have only that long to get it right, whether the child can understand language or not. During those first few years emotional abuse can take the form of denial of attention, denial of mental and physical stimulation, poor treatment compared with that shown to other children, threats of violence and many other things. A young child's self-esteem depends on the behaviour of the adults around him. If he is treated as an individual who matters, he stands a good chance of growing up emotionally healthy. If he is treated as inferior or someone who matters not he could turn into an emotional cripple. Adults or older children can destroy a child's spirit in a few moments. Everything that they do around a child may have a lasting effect on him, good or bad.

 

[Marshmallow Man]

Quote:
A child's character is mainly formed within the first four years of his life, certainly the first eight. Parents have only that long to get it right, whether the child can understand language or not. During those first few years emotional abuse can take the form of denial of attention, denial of mental and physical stimulation, poor treatment compared with that shown to other children, threats of violence and many other things. A young child's self-esteem depends on the behaviour of the adults around him. If he is treated as an individual who matters, he stands a good chance of growing up emotionally healthy. If he is treated as inferior or someone who matters not he could turn into an emotional cripple. Adults or older children can destroy a child's spirit in a few moments. Everything that they do around a child may have a lasting effect on him, good or bad.

You are absolutely right. We were foster parents and started off taking kids 0-12. We quickly found out how a bad parent can totally destroy a child by age 3. It doesn't matter if a child can understand language or not. They understand nurturing and they understand pain and neglect. Too many people think that just because their parents did it and they think they turned out fine (which they very well may have) that it's the right way. Yeah 1 slap on the butt is no big deal. If you have to use something else to keep from hurting your hand or to express your anger and frustration better, than there's a problem. It's time to take some parenting classes.

I'm sorry but it's time for me to bow out too. I know there's a lot of you that feel you need to give the kid a good whipping on occasion. My parents did it too and I turned out okay. I'm not accusing anyone of being like the parents of the kids we had as foster parents. My mother would slap me in the face if I back talked her. She would also take off her shoe and spank my rear with it about 10 times if I was really bad. Her actions were out of anger. My father on the other hand got the duty of "wait till your Dad gets home". He had the harder job by far. He didn't have any anger. His job was to just come home and inflict pain on his child. In many ways I think that is worse than striking out in anger. He would always say "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you". I'm sure some people have heard that one before. I got that duty one time about 14 years ago when my son was doing something perfectly normal but my wife went bonkers because of some prior issues of her own. It made me cry to hurt my son like that. I never did it again. There are other equally effective means of getting your child to obey and respect you later in their life. by the way my son is now a sophmore in college and is very well adjusted and he has never been in any trouble in his life.

I'm out of this thread.

 

[welsummerchicks]

Emotional abuse indeed can start very early, a kid does not need to be older to recognize the tone of voice when a person is screaming 'i hate you, i wish you would die' with a contorted, purple face.

Kids that are neglected when young, not fed, not taken care of, they know they are uncomfortable, hungry, thirsty and later on they tend to either not trust people at all or to be very clingy. One adult I knew, most days his mother would say, 'i wish that kid had died before he was born'. He was taken away from his mother at 2. He grew up to be a drug addict and a mess. He tried to kill himself every few months or so. Finally he succeeded.

Another kid, at 2 or so, he would not even eat and when I would babysit him, I got all these strict instructions about what he could eat (all things no kid his age would touch, are what he had to eat). His mother hated him. It was pretty obvious. All she did was complain about how he was not as smart as his brother and how she wished she had had a girl instead of him. She would show me a drawing of his and say, 'nowhere near how good his brother did at that age'. Every mention of him was like that. He used to come over to my house at age five and say, 'I wish I was dead, I wish I was a girl'. Five. Five years old. They know, don't kid yourself. They know a lot.

A lot of old fashioned, experienced parents had their ways of dealing with things and the house tended to just click along.

When the parents are laid back there tends to be a lot less crying and a lot less need for discipline. The kids are just calmer.

It sounds like the parents in that case weren't getting along very well to start with, and that could be part of why the mother lost it. A partner should be supporting the woman and helping her, not criticizing her in public. He could of asked, 'Can I take the baby and sit back in the back for a while, my wife needs a rest.' before the incident even happened, and it wouldn't have happened.

Kids can be prepared for plane flights too, with a movie or talked through it, the right bottle, right formula, even a little cold medicine to make them sleepy (a doc told my friend what to give her kid before they went on a flight). They have to get them sucking and swallowing before the plane starts to change altitude. They cry less. They are still bound to get somewhat stressed because they are not used to flying.

There are a lot of unreasonable punishments. I think the most unreasonable are generally the ones for 'attitude'. A lot of people advise, 'don't punish attitude, punish behavior'.

I was over visiting a friend whose thirteen year old screamed, 'I hate you!' because she wouldn't let her do something, I forget what. My friend just grinned at her. When the kid had stomped out, I asked, 'why didn't she get in trouble for saying that'. She said, 'because I could care less what she says. All I care about is what she does. Anyway, kids always say 'i hate you' when they don't get their way. So what'.

 

[gallinamama]

If my dad would have done what he did to me , now.. he would be in jail and I would of been in child custody...My father was a big believer in spare the rod, spoil the child. However it might of damaged me... it did not affect my children...because I didnt want them to go through what I went through... My firmest thing was "The look".. my son... now 30... has commented... " Oh mom please, don't give me the look"...I think it is funny now. it worked.. Another thing I did with my four in the grocery store was tell them if they were good that they would get a treat. They would be in the checkout line with their hands all folded like they were in church and I would get them a treat.... the cashier would laugh.. she never seen anything like it... LOL

Did I have my days... Yes we all do... we would be lying if we said we didn't have those off the wall days... but it is how you deal with those situations... Think, Think, and then rethink again.

 

[welsummerchicks]

Now that is an image. Three little faces, three little pairs of crossed hands in the shopping cart.

And then as my brother would say, 'Now, out! Out into the cold light of dawn!' (which meant, as soon as that treat was given, they went back to being as wild as WWII kamikaze pilots, lol)

My mom had a very full house and once in a while she would yell, 'i have...HAD IT!' and we would all run to our rooms and find something quiet to do. In 30 minutes, up the stairs she would come with a plate of butter sandwiches and all would be well. We not only learned she needed a break sometimes, we learned to watch our selves for when we needed a break too. It wasn't unusual for my older sister to shout, 'i have...HAD IT!' and go off to her own room for a break when she needed it. We all learned it.

 

[Royd]

Quote:
My older sister, as far as I know, never got hit, but couldn't even take a cross word, especially from Dad.

Well, in her effort to be the ultimate parent, women's lib, Dr. Spock and all that mentality, she has ended up, becoming a screamer. A screeching, high pitched screamer.
Her adopted son, born with fetal alcohol sydrome, learned, early on, that there were no serious consequences, for wrong actions..Just a whole lot of noise....Believe me, the kid is smart, because I have spent time with him, and he figured out, early on, that he could use his syndrome as a lever, to get what he wanted.

She has had him on Ritalin, since about 5 yrs. of age, and who knows what else...She is a registered nurse, btw. She has sent him to this camp and that program.

At the age of 15, he decides to take the parent's car for a joyride, not just around the block, and winds up in the juvenile system...Everything the kid does, is in defiance to parental authority.

She has, basically, washed her hands of the kid.

Oh, yeah. She told her husband, when they first became parents, that she was going to raise the kid her way..He had, absolutely, no say in the matter, and has spent the time on the sidelines, waiting for the kid to hit the road.

 

[Royd]

Being asked, "How would you like to get knocked into next week?" always worked for me. It wasn't a threat, it was a promise.

 

[Royd]

Quote:
The key to using spanking as punishment is telling the child they are going to receive one, let them go to their room and think about it for an hour and then deliver the punishment. A person should never spank while they are angry (my opinion) because that defeats the purpose. A child needs to know that the spanking is a punishment that they deserve for their actions, not because the parent is angry.

Slapping anyone in the face, at any age, is unacceptable. In fact, it is a chargeable offense at any age.

Sometimes, I had to wait, for a week....Wait til your Dad gets home....Gulp.