SnapdragonQ
It's coffee o'clock!
I agree and I disagree...Hmm, how do I explain this.
My brother is abusive. My family STILL don't remember any calm explanations for why I don't want to be around him and it's been 20 years but they remember the shouting matches crystal clear. "But you're family! You should forgive him!" Was ALWAYS in an attempt to make me be willing to be around him.
I've got five niece/nephews across three mothers from him, some older than me. Of his bio kids, four have had hospitalized suicide attempts (3 have multiples), two have been arrested at least once, and three are addicts, none of them has a career, home, only one has a stable partner, etc. The youngest is a teen mom with my grand-niece just this month, no dad involved, lives with her mom still and works at a drug store as a cashier, was previously diagnosed with severe kleptomania. Some of my sisters recently tried to stop my brother from taking my fathers retirement money. One of them confessed to me that she was scared he was going to show up at their doorstep with a gun if she kept trying.
Seeing what other people went through I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I "forgave" him, and tried to exist around him peacefully. Would I even be alive right now? I genuinely don't know.
Anger, grudges, fear - these are often responses we develop to keep us safe from harm. There's no nice platitudes that make them go away - only real growth on behalf of the people causing harm or an absence of the person doing harm. Certainly if it's over something less we should develop the ability to let it go. And if you have the option to just not engage with someone without consequences, that's good! That means you can stop being hurt and move on!
But real forgiveness, the kind that lets you get along with someone, have a coffee with someone, celebrate a holiday with someone? That requires love. It's for things like "You broke my favorite tea cup", or "You called me a mean name in jest and it actually hurt" or even "You did something VERY dangerous but you realized it could have hurt me and felt bad and took steps to not do it again". Not "You did something that risked my life and didn't care and still don't and you will continue to risk my life for your own benefit". How can you try to love someone who is happy to see you in pain and refuses to try to be better? That's just toxic behavior - if that were someones husband, we'd tell them to get a divorce! It's not better if it's "family".
We live in a time when a lot of choices have the potential to risk a lot of lives. So it does not surprise me at all that people are divided. Because REAL forgiveness, the kind that lets people get along instead of avoiding one another, doesn't happen without recognizing harm.
To me there is, or can be, a separation between forgiveness ..true and deep forgiveness on the part of the giver, and "now we all can get along"/I love you/I want to be around you.
As mentioned already, forgiveness is more about your (general you) healing and moving forward. It isn't really about the person doing (or did) the transgression against you.
You are right, anger, fear, and a grudge can keep us safe from that which caused it. There are no nice platitudes. But those can often rob us of many things and tear us apart inside.Anger, grudges, fear - these are often responses we develop to keep us safe from harm. There's no nice platitudes that make them go away - only real growth on behalf of the people causing harm or an absence of the person doing harm. Certainly if it's over something less we should develop the ability to let it go. And if you have the option to just not engage with someone without consequences, that's good! That means you can stop being hurt and move on!
When the other person will not, or cannot, change or be trusted, forgiveness helps you let go of the pain and the despair or darkness deep in who you are, but your mind does not forget. It will still be cautious and wary, and that can be a good thing!
Forgiving, or letting go of the bitterness, is a way to help yourself heal that deep deep hurt so it doesn't have any power over you anymore. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to tell that person, go ask to be hurt again, or even be around someone you do not want to or are stressed to be around. You can still be wary, cautious, even fearful...but those can exist apart from bitterness, hate, or anger.
The "now can get along"/I love you/I want to be around you certainly needs change from that person to make you feel comfortable. If that's possible...sometimes it just is not. And you (general you) may never get to a point of having coffee with, being around for a family gathering, or even stand to be in the same room with! That's ok. Most of that is on them, not you. You can still do "your" part of forgiving in order to mend yourself, for yourself.
I do agree...often people are very quick to say "Let's all be forgiving and just get along" or "we're family, we have to get along" without really understanding some of the deep wells of hurt some kinds of family do to one another. Kinda like saying to a recently divorced person, who did so because of say...spousal cheating or abuse..."Meh, no big deal...just forgive and everything will be ok."
Just keep in mind, nearly (nearly) anyone who would say something like that did not have a spouse sleep around town on them or abuse them, so they do not understand.
Now, I do agree that cutting family ties over typical (note I said typical) family disagreements in politics does deserve a "Just forgive each other and get along for goodness sake!!" And perhaps a good whack up side the head.
It's hard to explain or put on paper, but letting go of unforgiveness inside oneself is rather freeing. Even if not another soul knows about it but you. Because you are the one that matters.
(be easy on me...it's Friday and my caffeine reserves are gone...)