Daughter doesnt want to spend time at grandmothers house.

[Fudgie]

Quote:
I agree here but MIL needed to inform you that she was taking Sara to the temple. THAT part was wrong!
I usually have an open mind when it comes to different beliefs and different thoughts and opinions. HOWEVER when it involves my children, you better tell me you are doing it or you can guarantee that h e double hockey sticks has just frozen over!!!

I would NOT send my daughter there and I would tell my MIL and MY DH exactly why. Your first protection is to your daughter then to anyone else in the family. Putting her on the kayak with her crying and scared was totally disrespectful to your daughter. Obviously all grammy cared about was kayaking and not about Sara's feelings. They bridged a gap that should not have been bridged. That was a total trust issue and Gramma just lost all trust from Sara. How can that child trust her grandma to keep her safe when grandma is the one putting her in the situations that are NOT safe. The really sad part is if Gramma would have taken some time and explained what a kayak is and how to work it and ask sara to try it out near shore, Sara probably would have enjoyed it but now she probably won't step foot near a kayak. Sad simply sad!!

 

[raroo]

When I was forced to spend time with relatives I disliked, it made me all the more determined to avoid them when I got old enough to make my own decisions. My mom used to give me flack about being anti social with the family. My response was, and is, "I don't care. I don't like them and I'm not going." So in the end it may not matter. If she doesn't like her grandma now, its doubtful she ever will. If it were me, I wouldn't make her go, but that is just based on my own experiences in how I felt when I was forced to spend time with family I disliked.

 

[WriterofWords]

Have you sat down and spoken with your MIL? DH doesn't have to be with you either, you are just as much your DD parent as he is and you have just as much say in what she does or doesn't do no matter who with. Explain your daughter is not interested, please don't force her or she won't be allowed to go visit, your MIL will have to come to your house. On the Temple issue, unless she is trying to convert your daughter from your own religion it should be an issue and if it is just tell her you do not want your daughter attending services at a different church but thank you for thinking of her. I was forced to go to services outside my own religion when I was about her age and it was horrible because I didn't want to be there, I didn't understand it, and it was just too uncomfortable for me. But it is up to you as her parent to assure her that she will not be made to do anything she is not comfortable doing and especially not something she is afraid of.

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

Okay, I don't think taking your child to Temple is inappropriate, it allows your MIL to share a part of her life with her grandchild. And it gives you a teaching moment discussing with your daughter different religious beliefs and practices. You can then enphasize your beliefs and how they differ and why you believe as you do.

I have a similar view about the guitar and guitar lessons. What does it hurt your daughter to spend a few minutes playing with Grandma on Grandma's terms? She might find that she has a new activity that she enjoys.

Because she doesnt WANT TO. My MIL just started going back to temple very recently. She did NOT raise dh in the Jewish faith (dh is agnostic)


Sarah is interested in dance, piano and her chooks. NOT guitar. My MIL doesnt respect that. We have a "base" religion and it is NOT Jewish or Catholic, much to my own mothers chagrin. My mother respects this. My sister respects this. My MIL does not.
I was forced to go to a church with beliefs that didnt match my own for years. Being in that building last weekend for my nieces baptism was uncomfortable for me. I could not say some of the parts of the service because I have grown to believe them not to be true and a part of my life. Which is how we are raising our daughter. To be a good person. Not to have a faith or a name attached to her.

I am going to speak with my husband this evening when he gets home and Sarah is in bed. I wont makle her go someplace with someone she soesnt want to spend time with. It isnt my fault she enjoys spending time with a grandparent that listens to her and takes her feelings and interests seriously over one that does not. Well,, maybe it is my fault. I raised her to respect others and to expect that respect back. Like her father and I do each other, and her.

 

[citrusdreams]

If she doesn't want to go, and you're uncomfortable anyway, I don't get why you would force her to go - especially when you MIL's judgement is impaired.

IMOHO, it's going to cause more emotional trauma than anything else, and your DD isn't going to forget it....

If your DH isn't getting involved, and allowing you to be the "bad guy", great: then stand up for your DD and say, "she really doesn't want to go. she had a bad time the last time because her fears and feelings weren't respected. And I'm not going to force her to go. You can see her at our house where she feels safe." End of story?

 

[debilorrah]

Rachel darlin. Your daughter is too young to make those decisions on her own. If she liked Temple, then she could go. If she liked guitar, then play it. IMHO time with grandma should be fun and enjoyable, not misery personified.

I personally would not have been happy at all if my MIL took my son to a church different from ours at that age. Later they can make their own informed choices. And I do not in any way think that teaching your child to respect others was a mistake!!!! Give yourself a break!!!! You get a pat on the back, not a hand slap.

The kayaking thing is what I find mosst disturbing. She was clearly terrified, and it didn't matter......

 

[Serrin]

OK, I'm going to toss my two cents worth in here too. (I'm still a bit new here, so I hope there will be forgiveness if I step on a few toes)

By and large, I agree with the majority voice in following your motherly instincts on this one. If Sarah is uncomfortable or frightened of staying with your MIL, then don't force her to go.

This goes way beyond a small child being uncomfortable. If you force her repeatedly to visit this woman, not only is she NOT going to like that grandmother any better, Sarah is going to start resenting YOU for making her go! NOT GOOD!

By the sounds of it, you and your DD have a good relationship. Please don't jeopardize that just to please a woman who appears to have only her own self centered interest at heart.

The second penny of my two cents worth goes to the thought of how to say NO to MIL. Don't beat around the bush. For one thing, I don't think this woman would get the hint in any way other than a direct approach, and second, it teaches Sarah that even "little white lies" are acceptable. Again, NOT GOOD!

If I could toss in a third penny here, on your DH, tell him if he can't support your decision, at least don't undermine it at the time it is handed out. There is time for discussion in private later on. To contradict you in front of MIL or Sarah sends confusing and conflicting signals to all involved. Children as well as MIL's soon discover that there are ways to divide and conquer. Yet again, NOT GOOD!

I hope my feedback helps you to reach a good decision. If not, toss it on the compost heap where it probably already belongs. I'm famous for having an opinion on everything!

 

[English Chick]

Tell your MIL to take a hike.................. I have never ever asked my children to do something they are not happy with............result happy kids who can form their own opinions without feeling any guilt....and kids who tell me everything when they need/want too......

Take no hassle from anyone...you are the primary carer in all this and not your MIL or anybody else.

Be strong, stay strong..... you are the better parent for it and you DD will love you even more than she does this minute.

 

[Garlydog]

Quote:
Sage advice.

 

[SpottedCrow]

I don't blame her...
If gramma's gonna be a jerk, and not even remotely follow any rules, then there's no way that I'd let her spend time with your daughter.

We had to do that with my mother. She'd drive with my son in the car and would do it while drunk to boot.

We would have her come here and not let her leave when she watched him.