Daughter doesnt want to spend time at grandmothers house.

[TrixiePA]

Rhett&SarahsMom :

Quote:
He is letting me be the "bad guy" and I am the one that gets to make something up, so as not to hurt her feelings.

Dh's stance is "It isnt every weekend" Darn right it isnt. If he and I ever divorce I am going to make it very clear that my daughter not be left alone with this woman. My sister, my moms husband and my friends that have met her all say the same thing about her. And none of it is complimentary on her behavior. At my nieces baptism last weekend the woman grabbed my niece from my sister. Baby wasnt crying. Sister was standing there holding her next thing she knew my MIL had the baby in her arms. Boundaries???
I think that what makes my daughter not want to hang with her is that the woman doesnt take Sarah's opinion or wants/needs into any consideration.
For instance: and I saw this in my own home. MIL bought Sarah a kid sized guitar. Sarah has never shown any interest in playing the guitar. Piano. but not guitar. But MIL plays the guitar.. so she bought her one. So now. Every time she is here she finds the guitar and proceeds to tell Sarah to sit so that she can teach her how to play. Never mind that Sarah is saying to her "Grandma Come see my new dolls." or Grandma. Come see the drawing I did and hung on my wall.!"
Grandma tells her "I am going to sit and tune the guitar then teach you how to play." Then proceeds to sit and tune the guitar for the next 15 minutes while my daughter takes off to the back yard and her chickens. MIL then goes and gets her and sits down next to her saying "See? Like this" then hands her the guitar, stands behind her and tries to get her to work the strings." Guess what I never see my kid doing ? Playing with the guitar. Or even playing air guitar to the songs she likes.
Same with the kayak incident from last year. Sarah told her she didnt want to get into the kayak. MIL said something along the lings of "nonsense. You'll like it" and picked her up and put her in the kayak. Sarah was more than likely white knuckled and crying(she gets like that when scared) and from what she told me, told MIL that she didnt want to several times to no avail. The woman then rowed her out onto the lake. Which isnt clean for swimming in that area.. meaning it isnt safe to be in the water there. If she had fallen out and slipped out of the adult sized life jacket she had on her..she would have gotten tangled in the junk and drowned.

My dh wants her to spend at least one night there with her. I am not keen on even that. Neither is my daughter, but we have a tentative overnight set for next Monday. I am droppign her off in the late afternoon and then picking her up around 7pm the next day. Oh. Also. MIL has a SMALL car. My aunt was in one about the same size about 6 months ago when she was in an accident. She was nearly killed, (broken leg, two broken arms and a broken hip.) If my ditzy MIL gets in an accident in her little car with my kid in it.. she wont make it. I got a mid sized SUV because our Accent wasnt big/safe enough.

Holy Cow I think my MIL is her twin! It is so hard. Stand up for your kid. She'll get over it. Otherwise if something bad does happen you'll never forgive yourself.

Good Luck​

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

I don't disagree about the lake part at all.

I guess a question that wasn't addressed is whether the girl was with grandma at a time grandma regularly goes to Temple. Yes it was stated that Grandma had started going recently, but if that is what she does regularly at a certain time and day, and that is when grandaughter was there...

If my kids were at their grandparents, I did not expect that my parents or inlaws would cancel all their regualr activities. At my folks home I would expect that they would go to church with my parents, to their ranch, to visit friends, club meetings, etc. At my inlaws they got to sit in and participate in bridge and golf. The only time there was ever a question was when my cousin died while my son was visiting. My parents asked how to handle taking him to the funeral--he'd never been to one and was about 8 or 10. I told them to take him to the funeral, but not to any viewing or up to see the open casket unless he asked to (which I didn't expect).

 

[BayCityBabe]

I want to come forward and admit that there are some people that I do not like. Some just rub me the wrong way. Others have ideologies I don't agree with. It is a very adult thing to admit (to yourself) that So-n-So is simply awful in your view & that this feeling will color your interactions. It is a little immature to feel the need to cast someone as the devil incarnate to make your case against them. It is unnecessary. You list a trip to a house of worship & guitar lessons as some of the horrors your daughter has endured. Last year, if I recall, you were upset that grandma walked your daughter down a road w/o sidewalks... Drama.

Your daughter has to side with her mother against her grandmother, right? And, I bet she gets all kinds of affirmation from you when she tells you how awful grandma is. This makes me very sad. I think you are doing your daughter a disservice. I am not flaming. I am trying to be as kind in this as I can. You are taking this situation in a direction that is hurtful. I can tell YOU are hurting. Please find someone to talk to about this. I don't think a bunch of strangers on the internet are gonna help you heal this.

 

[joebryant]

Quote:
Interesting... to say the least.

 

[fowltemptress]

Quote:
Mmm-hmm . . . exactly my thought, and something that parents often miss and should try harder to guard themselves against. I would strongly recommend going to a counselor to talk about your issues with your MIL and gain some third party perspective on how your relationship with her is hurting your daughter's perception of her. I generally dislike counselors, but they can help people step away from the situation a bit to recognize that the issue is not always external . . . sometimes a painful thing to accept, but it really helps.

 

[Eggs4Sale]

Rhett&SarahsMom :

"If he and I ever divorce I am going to make it very clear that my daughter not be left alone with this woman."
----What an odd statement.

"My sister, my moms husband and my friends that have met her all say the same thing about her. And none of it is complimentary on her behavior."

------MY sister, MY mom's husband, MY friends... My, my, my.

"At my nieces baptism last weekend the woman grabbed my niece from my sister. Baby wasnt crying. Sister was standing there holding her next thing she knew my MIL had the baby in her arms. Boundaries???"

------ EVERY new mother has this happen to them, that's why the baby magazines mention it so often. People want to hold babies. People grabbed my babies, every single one. It sounds like MIL isn't aware how much hatred you and your sister have for her. I assure you she wouldn't have held the baby if she did.

"I think that what makes my daughter not want to hang with her is that the woman doesnt take Sarah's opinion or wants/needs into any consideration."

------ A 7 year old is not thinking this. She's thinking "Mom hates MIL and wants me to hate MIL, so I'd better hate MIL."

"For instance: and I saw this in my own home. MIL bought Sarah a kid sized guitar. Sarah has never shown any interest in playing the guitar. Piano. but not guitar. But MIL plays the guitar.. so she bought her one. So now. Every time she is here she finds the guitar and proceeds to tell Sarah to sit so that she can teach her how to play. Never mind that Sarah is saying to her "Grandma Come see my new dolls." or Grandma. Come see the drawing I did and hung on my wall.!"

----- Are you kidding me??? The beef is a guitar? You said it yourself.. "Sarah is saying to her "Grandma Come see my new dolls." or Grandma. Come see the drawing I did and hung on my wall.!" I'm sorry, but kids who are scared of or hate their MIL's don't say these things to them.


"Grandma tells her "I am going to sit and tune the guitar then teach you how to play." Then proceeds to sit and tune the guitar for the next 15 minutes while my daughter takes off to the back yard and her chickens. MIL then goes and gets her and sits down next to her saying "See? Like this" then hands her the guitar, stands behind her and tries to get her to work the strings." Guess what I never see my kid doing ? Playing with the guitar. Or even playing air guitar to the songs she likes."

------ I just can't believe this.

I need some aspirin....

"Same with the kayak incident from last year. . .she would have gotten tangled in the junk and drowned."

------- Sounds like people who put holes in buckets so nobody drowns.

"My dh wants her to spend at least one night there with her. I am not keen on even that. Neither is my daughter, but we have a tentative overnight set for next Monday. I am droppign her off in the late afternoon and then picking her up around 7pm the next day. Oh. Also. MIL has a SMALL car. My aunt was in one about the same size about 6 months ago when she was in an accident. She was nearly killed, (broken leg, two broken arms and a broken hip.) If my ditzy MIL gets in an accident in her little car with my kid in it.. she wont make it. I got a mid sized SUV because our Accent wasnt big/safe enough.

------- hole in bucket.

IMO it also sounds like DH knows DW has lost her mind and he's not willing to make a fool of himself and tell his mother she's a 'bad, bad lady'.
I repeal my earlier post. I posted before reading this post, and I wish I hadn't jumped the gun.
Mom, you need to deal with your anger. You are making your husband and daughter miserable, and you will deny that and get ticked off, but it's true. I see no reason to slight your mother-in-law as much as you do, but I'm sure it has to do with the fact that your husband likes her more than you. You are making yourself quite unlikeable to him. But it's easier to contemplate divorce and lash out at him, MIL, and probably me next. Life isn't about being easy. Your daughter deserves better.​

 

[JewellFarm]

Don't make her go! Obviously she isn't comfortable with going.

 

[SarahBeth9394]

It's one thing to have your own issues with the MIL. But when her disrespect turns into terrifying your child it's time to put your foot down. The idea that Sarah is lucky she has a gramma who has activities to go to is baloney if those activities terrify her. There are plenty of activities gramma can do with her while at home. And yes they should be things that Sarah enjoys. Make cookies, play kids card games, play kids board games, sit down and watch a kiddie movie and enjoy the goodies you made together. etc. We were told that right now Sarah has anxiety and doesn't want to go to gramma's because she still remembers the fear of being forced to do something she didn't want to and having nobody there to rescue her from it. That is a very big issue. So I personally would not send her there.

As far as the guitar goes just simply tell MIL that right now Sarah isn't interested. People who play really want to play. If they didn't then they wouldn't go through the sore fingers it takes to get toughened up fingertips. Put the guitar away as in in the shed or up in the rafters and tell MIL that when Sarah takes an interest in it you'll dig it out but until then it doesn't need to be in the way.

Also this idea of go see a counselor is just imo unnecessary. If the MIL is completely disrespecting you and your children the best counseling she could get is you telling her the way it is. Like "Your terrified Sarah forcing her into that kayak to the point that she is still scared of you. You are the one who needs to build her trust back. Until then there will be no overnight stays". It really is just that cut and dry. Sure she won't like hearing it but too bad for her. She made her bed and now she's lying in it.

But as a start before sending her to gramma's for any period of time if gramma wants to spend some time with her then have her take her to a matinee or out to McDonald's for lunch. Don't worry about the car. I understand the anxiety you have but you're playing a game of what ifs with that. They can go to the show and then come home. If they do that a couple of times and gramma doesn't cross the line then Sarah may want to spend more time with her. If gramma still doesn't make Sarah comfortable then gramma isn't welcome to take her at all.

 

[SarahBeth9394]

Oh and as far as temple goes. You never take another persons child to your church without asking first.

 

[AHappychick]

maybe you should have a third party that your dd trusts talk with her. This way you can seperate her feelings about MIL and these incidents from YOUR feelings. I dont disagree or agree with you I just know that I hate my inlaws with good reason and that even though my ds in still really young I am aware that my opinion and feelings are going to rub off onto him, in my case I dont care since dh has passed and they are suing my ds and will never be in our lives once court is finished.

but until you know exactly how she is feeling you wont know how to proceed.