Devastated!!!

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:
I'm a lot like Red on this issue. His life would very difficult and her's too. I have issues as well, and do not control my emotions in the best manner, esp. when it comes to my husband. He's mine, and he WILL NOT talk to other women, on that basis. He can talk to women, but not by phone, email, texting, etc. OR he better not go to sleep! Or for that fact, even step foot back in my home if he chooses to betray our marriage.

 

[zippitydooda]

Playing devil's advocate here.... and for the record, I have had an ex husband cheat on me....

So your husband is "talking, messaging and texting" another woman, right? Did he say they were "just friends"? Trust IS a huge deal in a relationship (whether a marriage or otherwise), so until he actually HID his actions, in my book, you should have trusted him.

AFTER he hid his actions (he knew you would be upset because he knew what he was doing was inappropriate), THEN trust is out the door. But until then, maybe he should have introduced you to "his friend" so you could all be friends. Of course, now it is too late for that.

What is HIS side of this? Just wondering.

 

[zengrrl]

I always look at things this way, if it were ME doing it to HIM how would he feel. A good rule of thumb, my dh would lose his mind...and his temper if I were talking/txting/ ANYTHING with another man Everyone's relationship is different but that's how ours works. Hugs!

 

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:
My husband would flip out too. He is a jealous man. I'm not super jealous, but I would get that way if he were texting, calling, emailing, etc. another woman.

If I were the OP I would look for a texting buddy just to see his reaction. But, I'm twisted that way. Really, I would probably boot him out.

 

[arabianequine]

Quote:
He claims just friends and I did know about it at first but everything was not read to me word for word. I later read all that was chatted on fb and he left out the parts that he knew I would not like on his part and hers. Then proceeded to lie to me and his family that nothing was going on for 6 more days till I looked at the phone records and acted like they were not talking but they were, started texting by cell and then a few days later talking. Yes he was hiding this from me. I know she likes him, she is single, and continued to do it and say hurtful and inappropriate stuff and who knows what since talking in private. He says he liked talking to her and misses it and the great conversation and yeah wishes everyone could be friends. She knew about me and knew I did not like it but kept doing it. He seemed to be leading her on also IMO.

I don't think it is right and he would have left me for doing the same with a guy. I am almost positive. He told me that himself....and can see why I am upset and that it was wrong but then also says he thinks I am overreacting.


ETA: We seem to argue about this daily and we disagree. I just don't get why it is so important and def. not worth a risk I want to take for anymore to happen.

 

[Ema]

I had this issue with my dh a few summers ago, I caught him texting and facebooking a coworker, he said they were just friends. At first I overlooked it after all we've been together for so long. but then she started texting him more often and then I noticed if I asked him a question he would get iffy on me. I took a look at the chat log and while he kept things friendly she was stepping out of line.

I felt her messages were inappropriate to be sent to a married man, things like, what would you liek to see me wear tomorrow? should I wear a low top? ramdom texts winking at him and other stuff, his responses where often what ever, or something of the sort. I think he liked the attention that another woman was giving him. but I being who I am put and end to it right then and there.

I took his phone and texted her and told her flat out I did not appreciate the way she was texting with my dh and then I addressed my dh flat out. told him that I know he is a man, a living breathing man and that I understood that another womans attention after all these years was likely making him feel good, but that I did not appreciate him going behind my back and allowing someone to threaten our relationship. I told him that from here on he could distance himself from her and be professional or he could very well WALK out and not come back. I told him it was hurtful and it made me feel bad and it was hard to trust he wasn't doing more behind my back.

frankly I let him know without losing my cool how I felt about it and I let her know at the same time. I reminded him of everything we had he valued, us, the kids, our way of life, and asked him if he really wanted to throw it all away for someone who is not going to be there for him when he needs someone the most. I then reminded him that I too gave him that sort of attention, that it has always been there. When you tell him first hand how great he is and how much he means to you, another woman saying it to him or flirting with him will mean nothing to him.

My husband did say it was nice to get the attention but that he never thought it was going to affect us. He assured me he loved me, he apologized and then asked her not to text him anymore unless it was work related. She no longer does, she was single and lonely and apparently to her married man were more attractive.

YOu need to have that conversation with your dh and not allow him or her to walk over you. Yes it might lead to a fight or you might be surprised and it will all be calm. Let him see how it makes you feel and be completely honest and stay on topic. tell him flat out, that he needs to respect you and your wishes and that (and this will be hard to admit to him but he will get it immediately) you feel threatened and scared that you will lose him and you just want to see and know that everything is and will be ok. tell him its making your trust in him waver and tell him how that alone makes you feel.

If there is a time to be vulnerable and let it all out on the table this is the time, when it comes to something you really value.

there is no way I will lay down and be walked on without having my opinion heard, and fighting for what is mine and what I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stay strong honey, don't let your inner self bring the powerful woman that you are down.

Ema

 

[arabianequine]

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Thank you Ema but I feel I have done the later for the last 2 weeks. He knows but I think he thinks different things at times by what he says really does not make me feel secure or that he is happy here or that he really wants to be here. I feel that he stays cause he does love me and does not want to see either of us hurt and the fact it is easier...and alot to loose. Having a hard time tonight dealing with the messages I get from him.

 

[arabianequine]

Quote:
I also wanted to add he says I did nothing wrong and there are no problems in our relationship....I have said this in this thread already I believe though.

If you look a page or 2 back I said on Monday the 3rd that round 2 had started. He tried contacting her again by email....but to my knowledge and he says he never heard back from her. He also told me a few days later that right before he sent that email he tried texting her to her cell phone through yahoo messenger. Which I already figured....he also says she never answered him.

He hid this too from me and I found it in his trash in his email....he deleted his sent box but not the trash box.

 

[redhen]

 

[zippitydooda]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I definitely KNOW how it feels. Quite frankly, the memory is still somewhat painful, even after 25+ years.

BUT.... I do want to tell you, I survived the ordeal AND I'm a stronger person for it. Also, I'm HAPPY now, with someone who would never ever ever ever treat me that way.

How long have you been married? And does he realize that you can take him to the cleaners?

Hang in there, PM me if you want to talk.