Divorce Issues

[Widget]

I have a friend who was been divorced about a year. She and her ex have three children. The oldest is about 12. A boy. He has a younger brother around 6-7 and a younger sister around 3-4. The ex husband has been a real jerk for the past year. All he wants is to punish is ex wife. He couldn't care less about what is actions are doing to his children.

The ex gets the kids one night a week and every other weekend. He lives with a friend who will not allow the children to stay overnight in the apartment. So the ex gets to go back to the marital home, which he gave up in the divorce, on his nights to see his kids. So my friend is forced to leave what is legally her home. She has to lock everything she values up in her bedroom otherwise her ex goes through things.

Many times the ex doesn't even want to see his kids on his scheduled days. He is too busy having fun with his new girlfriends. But he often wants them on the days that aren't scheduled. Basically anything to make my friend's life miserable.

She is getting to the end of her rope. She sees what her ex's childish and selfish attitude is doing to the kids. All the lies such as I can't buy Christmas presents for you because Mommy takes all my money (not that he always pays child support) , I go skiing every week but can't afford to take you (to his oldest son who got a snowboard from his mother for Christmas) and many many others. The kids are emotionally devastated and confused. But the courts won't help. My friend was told by the mediator that nothing can be done until the ex realizes his actions are hurting the kids. When will that be? When the kids have grand kids of their own?

Anyone have any ideas or suggestions on what she can do? She has no money for a lawyer. She is willing to do counseling but her ex refuses and he has also convinced the oldest boy that he doesn't have to go. All she wants his her ex out of the house and for her kids to grow up without all the drama.

 

[redhen]

WHy does she HAVE to let the ex into her house? No way a judge would say she HAD to allow him into her house for visits and she has to leave...
Makes no sense at all...

 

[Dar]

she needs to make some changes...

1 being stop leaving her home and accommodating him.... she is enabling him... if he is not in a place where he can have his kids over night then HE needs to man up put the big boy pants on and get his own place.

2 explain to the kids that people get their feeling hurts when a relationship ends and its to bad dad daddy tells you everything that he feels you need to know. The kids will learn soon enough who the good guy is.

she needs to make note of the times he is a no show and the times he does not live up to his end of the custody arrangement and when she has enough proof she can go back to the courts on her own... or better yet.... get DFS

involved they will fight FOR her... DFS are not always the bad guy.

and yes when the kids get older they will learn who is the bad guy and who is the good guy... reality hit for my son when he was 16 and was looking for a place to live (long story but to sum it up he didnt want to live by my rules) 3 years later he rarely talks to his dad ... said to me the other day dad only calls him when he wants to look good in front of family... oo look at my son isnt he great... meanwhile he had nothing to do with his upbringing.. (took off early in sons life)

 

[Widget]

The courts did say she had to allow him in the house. They were assigned a mediator who said my friend had to think of the kids and not her feelings. Since Daddy doesn't have a safe place for the kids and he has a right to see them then he can use the house. Didn't make any sense to me either. He should have been told to get off his rear end and find a place that the kids could go to or he doesn't get to see them.

 

[chicks4kids]

Are you saying that the ex stays overnight in the house and your friend has to leave? Or just for a few hours? Either way, it's wrong and the mediator needs to be put in his/her place. Does the mediator know the ex?? Do they go to the local pub and drink a beer afterwards??

Your friend should be able to get help from the prosecuting attorney in her county without being charged. They are there for her to get legal representation. Especially since there's a divorce and child support issues. There she should be able to set ground rules as to visitation and that she most definitely will NOT allow him in her home for the visitation. If he cannot provide a safe place for the kids then he should only have them for short periods of time where he can do things like take them to a movie, or mini-golf, etc. The mediator is dead wrong is saying that your friend has to let the ex into the house to visit with the kids.

Have her contact her prosecutor and see what he/she has to say...something is not right here. My guess is that he knows the mediator...or the mediator is just lazy.

 

[Widget]

Yes he gets to stay the night. And eat all the food that she buys. Plus do his laundry.

I doubt he knows the mediator so I would go with the mediator is just lazy. Or that he/she just wanted to get out of court early that day. After all they don't have to live with the result.

I'll let her know about the Prosecutor angle. And the DFS suggestion. Thanks for all the suggestions so far.

 

[justbugged]

If she is leaving the home because of the court order, then there isn't much she can do about it at this point, except maybe move. Moving would remove the house that was the marital home. Otherwise I agree with the others that she needs to stop accommodating him. I also would not accommodate anything but the agreed upon time. Every time she allows him to change the visitation she is making it harder on herself and the kids. She is enabling his bad behavior. The kids are already figuring out that he is messing around with them and their mom. That is another good reason for her to stand up for herself, after all she is teaching them how her and the kids are to be treated.

The next thing is to document everything. That way it won't be her word against his. Get a mediator if at all possible. And as far as counselling who cares what he says. She is the mother and if she wants the kids to go to counselling then she needs to see that they do. She needs to remember that she is the mother, and that the kids need to do as she sees fit. The dad can say what he wants, but it shouldn't change what she does when the kids are with her.

The biggest thing she can do is to grow up and know that things will be hard. As for being her friend that will hard too.

 

[justbugged]

Quote:
I can't imagine that any court order would include laundry. The court order would only apply to the agreed upon night also. She doesn't have to make the time up. it would be smarter to fix one meal for the kids, and lock the kitchen cupboards and refrigerator. She is being way to accommodating.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

I'm thinking this must be a joint custody case? In which case dad would have a right to say "no" to one or even all of the kids receiving counseling. In which case it needs to go back to the mediator. Him being allowed access to her home without her presence does not make ANY sense, and she NEEDS to go back to court over it. If dad cannot take them to his place for whatever reason, he can either return them at night or take all of them to a hotel for the weekend.

If this particular mediator seems to make unreasonable or unfair recommendations/decisions, then she almost certainly has the right to request a new mediator. Something does not seem at all right about this scenario.

 

[Widget]

Well the laundry is court ordered. But since the washing machine is in the house and not locked he has access to it.

It is a tough balancing act to take a stand and not have the children in the middle of it all. She has started writing everything down, saving the text messages he sends and anything else she can think of to do. She is strongly considering counseling for her son but hasn't quite reached the point where she wants to force him. The kid does act out and has hit her. That incident involved the police but she doesn't want to keep calling them either.

The kids are smart and they are starting to figure out that Daddy is a jerk. But he is their Daddy so they want to please him no matter how much he pushes them away.

Essentially it is one huge mess.