Divorce Issues

[EweSheep]

I never heard of this kind of arrangement that a parent need to stay in the ex's home but only to pick up the kids at a certain date and certain time, nothing more. Not even for a "booty call" either.

DUH moment here......now there was a friend of mine that stayed in her ex's home because she had no place to go. Stayed there for 14 years before her mother passed away, then she moved into her mom's house. They co habit ok, he sleeps in his own bedroom while she claims the sofa in a small den off from the living room. It was mutual between two of them and they did take turns in caring for the kids when one needs the other to help out. They fought sometimes but when their two kids were older, they fought louder and harder until her mother was in very grave situation.

Sure ex parents can co habit if they need to if they do follow certain guidelines. If you can not follow the guidelines, rules and the divorce papers, then get out.

As in this case, no, the ex should not be coming in and stay for the night unless she WANTS him there.

 

[Widget]

She absolutely does not want him back. He on the other hand wants her back. He went as far as assaulting the person she is now dating and is on probation for that.

Yes she did agree to the arrangement in mediation. It wasn't willingly. The mediator basically told her she was being selfish and s bad mother if she didn't agree. That and if it went before a judge then she probably wouldn't like what he said. It was the proverbial rock and a hard place. The meeting had been going on for a few hours and she was just overwhelmed. And there were no lawyers present. Judy the two of them and the mediator.

Oh and I meant to type laundry was Not court ordered. I had taken my contacts out and am a bit blind without them so I mistyped.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Your friend needs to get back in court and get the man out of her house. It is his responsibility to provide a place for him to see his children. She should not be obligated to turn over her home to him. She is supporting him 1/7 of the time if he is allowed to spend every other weekend there. I don't think that is part of the divorce decree. He should not be allowed to come in, rummage through her home, eat her food, use her applicances, snoop through her things and be allowed to badmouth her as well.

Bottom line...she needs to get back in court. If she needs to borrow the money to do it, it is money well spent. She needs a lawyer that is not going to go along with everything the mediator suggests. She also needs to document everything, including the lack of child support and make sure that is shown in court. I think the lawyer should use the approach that she is paying him support if he is allowed to use her home for one weekend out of every two.

She should not let the mediator guilt her into doing things that are clearly against her and the children's best interest. I would like to ask how not agreeing to this asinine deal was being selfish and hurting her children.

 

[redhen]

Soo..where does she go when the ex is staying at her house? A hotel or her BFs house?
Is he paying her for the use of her house? (kinda like a hotel payment)

 

[ranchhand]

Poor woman, it sounds like she has been beaten down by the ex and the mediator. Tell her what we are all saying/feeling. Let her know that the deal stinks and she CAN take control of her and her children's wellbeing. Time for the Mama Wolf to come out and protect her children.

 

[ranchhand]

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Wait- he is on probation for assaulting her BF and he is left alone in HER home with their children? Who probably know the BF? Something very wrong there.....

 

[chicks4kids]

Sounds like the ex is pulling out every stop to manipulate your friend. I hope that she is strong enough both physically and mentally-mostly mentally-to stand up to him. It seems he's already doing a really good job of manipulating both her and the children. He is clearly abusing his position and the mediator clearly saw her weaknesses-no offense to her....it's easy to be manipulated by people of supposed authority when they bring your children into it.

Just give her positive reassurance...even though she does NOT want him back she may feel like she is being backed into a corner. Support her and bring her up when she is down. Remind her that she does NOT have to have him in her life...not the way he is injecting himself into it now. Get her back into court and encourage her to change her circumstances. If he has assaulted her BF, she can most definitely get a restraining order against him-and although she has that, he can still have visitation-somewhere else. I had to do it for 3 years straight (the restraining order) til the guy got the hint-it took repeated restraining orders, but after 3, he got it--haven't had to have one for 6 years now. But she can do it...call it maintenance for her well being. It really sounds like that's what she needs to do at least for now.

Don't get me wrong, a man should see his children, but your friend needs to be safe. She also needs to not feel abused anymore....I bet she does feel this way just by what you've told us. Sorry for rambling, this just hits a sore spot for me. She needs to stand her ground.

Edited to add that it took a good man to make me stand up for myself....hopefully all she needs is a good friend.

 

[EweSheep]

Quote:

And get counseling and BE STRONG! Not easy, I am sure!

 

[Mattemma]

I would sell the house and rent.Use some of the home sale for a lawyer. If things were not improved I would move out of state,and start a new life. Sounds like the friends life is just as bad now compared to before the divorce.Actually it seems worse to me. Best wishes for her and the kids whatever she decides. The most dangerous time for a woman is when they leave their abuser.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Moving out of state means that she must have the father's permission to take the kids. Otherwise it is considered kidnapping, a federal crime. There are ways to counter this, but they are in court, and are less likely to be granted than is requiring him to find his own place to see the kids.