Does anyone else NOT get along with their Dad?

[danischi24]

I'm talking about dads who weren't there rather than abusive destructive ones who make a hole just by being around.

 

[Three Cedars Silkies]

Don't be upset with his statement. It's honesty from his heart and I know that it is hard to take from those that have little or no relationship with their dads.

Let's not get this thread locked...I think it's such a comfort for some to know others pain related to their "dad relationship".

Live and let live...let's not tell others how they should feel...OK?? We cannot help how we feel...only how we act upon our feelings.

 

[Elite Silkies]

My father was never around when I was younger. When he was, I had to go to the bar to visit him. That's when they use to let kids in and play the games. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict.

He seemed to change when I have my first child. I thought he was doing rather well for the last 14 years. We talked all the time. Then he re-tired moved in with us, and tried to turn my son against us, so that my son would move in with him, when he got his house ready. His house was our rent house.

He hurt me most of my live with dreams and promises that were never full filled. But, those memories and that pain was nothing compared to what I feel now. I didn't think he would ever try to take my own child away from me.

I haven't spoke to him in about 3 months now, and I have no desire right now. I'm not sure if I ever will.

 

[MagsC]

Absolutely! (What old gator said.)

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Ditto here. My dad is the absolute BEST. It is not possible to admire a person more than I admire him.

 

[Chickenmaven]

Quote:
Yes, a HOLE. An absence made all the more obvious when I see my DH parent our kids. A sad gaping, terrible wound when I hear other adults recount the fun & love & support they have experienced with both parents. I spent a chunk of my younger years wondering how my father could act like he wasn't interested in me. "What's wrong with me?" Now, he is just a person to me.

 

[chicmom]

My dad's OK, but my mom drives me nuts. They've been married 50 years, which is a milestone, but my mom is really a lousy parent, and my dad is just there in the background......

 

[6chickens in St. Charles]

My own father never wanted us kids, he made that clear. He was also alcoholic and a gambler. We were forced as kids to travel with him once every year or two to wherever he was living, for 'visitation', where we spent many days alone in motels with a cooler of little boxes of milk and cereal. When he died my 2 brothers went to the funeral, came back saying they wished they hadn't gone.
My stepfather did as good a job as most stepdads, and I have good stories to share with my sons about his parenting, care, advice and time he spent being good to us, even the things he cooked and built for us. However, his own flesh and blood were wholly neglected by him, and felt betrayed, which became apparrent at his funeral, the only time we met his former family.
My father in law was difficult to all, in fact my husband says he'd probably be diagnosed as "narcissist" if he were alive today. He said and did hurtful things. On the bright side, he was able to provide a good deal of money to strangers, waitresses and fine arts institutions, and left my boys some money after he died.

So, based on my 3 dad experiences, I think statistically I'm in the group who's confused, at best, about the role of dads. Do we really HAVE TO get along with them? Perhaps most of the "bad dads" out there are actually mentally ill dads. Perhaps "getting along with them" is not really an option.

Now that I'm 45, and my dads are all dead, I have no fear or pain or anger about them. I used to feel jealous when I'd see a good dad loving his child or providing well for his family. Now when I see that, I feel joy for that child and I feel the glow of good fortune for that family, and I'm just glad to see that it exists. I think freedom from the twisted ties my dads wrought has been good for me. I'm glad they're gone. That doesn't mean I ever meant them any harm, I never did, but I'm glad they're not around saying mean things or messing with the lives of myself or others. Some guys are just not right in the head, and life is definitely better when they're not around.

So to answer your question, no I don't get along with my dads, but I'm free from making that choice because I dont have to. To Rest in Peace is where it's at.

 

[nop169]

WOW! And I thought it was only my family that was so messed up! Seriously, I also have absolutely no relationship with my birth father & little contact (maybe once per year) with my mother. Father was abusive to her & to us - not from substance abuse - just was. All my memories until I left home at 17 are terror filled beatings of myself & mother. But being raised in a southern family - we were taught we were his property & he could even kill us & we were not to even fight back. This was reinforced by both extended family & the church. We were also not to let any outsider know what happened behind closed doors. I rebelled against it & left as soon as I legally could. Ran away several times before that & was brought back by police. He didn't want me - but would not let me go. Lived in my car for 2 years & worked 2 jobs & finished high school. It was a ugly situation.
Got married at 21 to a wonderful woman. She became my family. Tried to repair the birth family relationships for years & finally said enough. Mom will not leave or stand up to him (typical southern abused woman in denial & defined by being his wife). 3 brothers - all with severe substance abuse issues. I am the 2nd child. I finally said enough after the old man stole from us, played the brothers against one another, told people in our community he paid for our farm & house & would use the "N" word around my biracial child. I will no longer allow someone to hurt me or my family just because they are blood kin. Family is not necessarily blood - family is heart and I am happy & complete with my wife, 3 adopted children & my loyal friends who trulely are my family.
The old man is now 67 & in very bad health - mom is also aging hard - but they made their choices & will not accept responsibility for their actions so.... die miserable & alone. When younger I tried - wasn't looking for them to beg for forgiveness - just wanted a family - to feel that I "belonged" - but they withheld even that. I am 42 now - the proud father of 3 children & try to have integrity & honor. I can't say it doesn't bother me at times but I no longer let them hurt us either emotionally or otherwise. Unfortunately the 3 brothers all still play the game with him & there is constant strife & bickering. One brother recently almost killed another brother. Who wants to live like that? Thank God my kids do not have that for a father. I try my best to be a good Dad even though I never had a role model for that & I have learned that it can be done - the cycle can be broken without substance abuse.
My father seems jealous & tells everyone he doesn't understand why I am the way I am... we live in a rather small town so talk gets back to us... but there is no contact between him & my family.

 

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:
Ditto here. My dad is the absolute BEST. It is not possible to admire a person more than I admire him.

Don't be sad. Just speaking for myself, but I am sure that others have learned valuable lessons as well. I am a better person for having watched my father do the things that he done. I learned never to treat people badly and I also learned that I never ever wanted to grow up like him. I honestly feel that people like my father are unhappy and miserable and therefore, must try and make everyone else miserable.

Do I wish he was a good person, sure! But, I have learned that we except what is given in our life and we make the best of it. It doesn't sadden me that some have wonderful parents that they admire. It actually puts a smile on my face.

nop169

I'm proud that you made the best of a bad situation and now a have a wonderful family that you know how to love and care for.