(ex)-boyfriend problems, advice needed

[RHRanch]

ugh, I hate that you guys are probably right.

Sorry. Just been there done that and ended up wasting my time trying to help people, see when I was young, I had my act together (kind of like you) and I just thought I could point people in the wrong direction, as if they were lost. Now that I am older, I realize they know the way to go most times and want to do what they are doing and it's their journey, you cannot take that journey for them or stop them from continuing on a path they want to be on.

 

[77horses]

Sorry. Just been there done that and ended up wasting my time trying to help people, see when I was young, I had my act together (kind of like you) and I just thought I could point people in the wrong direction, as if they were lost. Now that I am older, I realize they know the way to go most times and want to do what they are doing and it's their journey, you cannot take that journey for them or stop them from continuing on a path they want to be on.

Yeah, it's true that a lot of the times you can't change people, no matter what you do. And sometimes it's more trouble trying to help them than what it's worth. And a lot of the times, it's probably true that it's a waste of time and energy. But then again there's always the possibility...People do change, depending on the situation. I can't take their journey for them, but I can certainly be some kind of an influence on the direction they take, right?
I guess it just shows that I tend to try and see the good in people...maybe a little too much. I know I shouldn't get involved with people but I still do, because I think "what if?" or "a little hope is better than no hope at all". I tend to hold out for the smallest chance of things simply because I have a hopeful feeling about them, despite others' good advice. Sometimes I'm wrong because of it, and sometimes I'm right. It's not like I get my hopes up all the time (okay, well, I do...but not right away), or expect a lot, it's just that I have an idea for something. I get this idea, and I think of the possible outcomes. I weigh the possibilities. And a lot of the times, I choose the possible outcome that is least likely, but seems better (as far as I can tell, anyways) simply because I know there's a chance for that outcome. I guess, in a way, I live by the idea that I'd rather live my life knowing I gave something a chance, even if it didn't turn out right, than to continue on and forever wonder "what if?"
Maybe I should just learn not to give so many things so many chances when I have a good idea about them...

 

[redhen]

77.. think of it this way...
He smokes weed now... will he stop in the future? a LOT of people dont..
Do you want to be married to some guy thats a pot head? Some guy that cant pass drug tests to get a good job..
Some guy that always has the risk of being busted with drugs on him..(and YOU with him)
Do you want that around your kids? (i know.. its waaay in the future... but why waste time now when you KNOW thats not how you want to live your life..)
If he mentioned it to you... theres a reason for that.
Oh and you cant change him... he has to want to stop for himself. If hes into drugs... he has some issues somewhere ... do you want to deal with them?
Also if you are with him and theres some accident or he gets busted and has drugs on him... you are JUST as guilty because you KNEW he had illegal drugs on him.
Its serious stuff... it can follow you for a looong time. Something to think about..
He doesnt sound like the right type of guy for you... just my opinion...
DONT settle now because you are lonely... the right guy WILL come along..
Talk to him and stuff, i guess.... but i wouldnt get anymore involved..
Stay connected to your church because that seems important to you.. maybe go to different youth church activities.. (like a totally different church then you normally go to.. to meet different people..)
But in the end..its your choice..

 

[RHRanch]

Yeah, it's true that a lot of the times you can't change people, no matter what you do. And sometimes it's more trouble trying to help them than what it's worth. And a lot of the times, it's probably true that it's a waste of time and energy. But then again there's always the possibility...People do change, depending on the situation. I can't take their journey for them, but I can certainly be some kind of an influence on the direction they take, right?
I guess it just shows that I tend to try and see the good in people...maybe a little too much. I know I shouldn't get involved with people but I still do, because I think "what if?" or "a little hope is better than no hope at all". I tend to hold out for the smallest chance of things simply because I have a hopeful feeling about them, despite others' good advice. Sometimes I'm wrong because of it, and sometimes I'm right. It's not like I get my hopes up all the time (okay, well, I do...but not right away), or expect a lot, it's just that I have an idea for something. I get this idea, and I think of the possible outcomes. I weigh the possibilities. And a lot of the times, I choose the possible outcome that is least likely, but seems better (as far as I can tell, anyways) simply because I know there's a chance for that outcome. I guess, in a way, I live by the idea that I'd rather live my life knowing I gave something a chance, even if it didn't turn out right, than to continue on and forever wonder "what if?"
Maybe I should just learn not to give so many things so many chances when I have a good idea about them...

You can still have hope for someones recovery without getting involved with a guy with problems. Go ahead and be hopeful, but pass on this and go find Mr. Right, who is the guy who is going to be good for you and who wont need a bunch of repair or have drama. Think about this... Would any of us steer you wrong? I think you will find that we speak from experience and have been where you are, and would spare you the heartache.

 

[jamesbwood]

I'm actually not that worried about the weed. Back in the Pleistocene when I was in High School, a lot of my skateboard and metal friends did weed and more - I never touched the stuff. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only 40 year old that has never tried weed. Maybe someday I will but for now, my mind is not something I want altered: I need whatever is left of it to be fully functional. I was the Eagle Scout and the one getting good grades who stayed in school till there was no more school . The truth is that those guys turned out to be OK adults and now have families and normal children of their own. I’m not condoning this behavior of his, I don’t think it is a good thing, I just am less worried about it then others.

If you know who you are and where your boundaries are and are strong enough to stick to the plan, I actually don’t see this as a deal breaker. Especially at your age this can be tricky, peer pressure can be strong. You seem to understand that and have already set some clear boundaries which is great!

The weed smoking stereotype is that he is a lazy good for nothing with no ambition– if that is true, weed or not, consider looking elsewhere. Stereotypes are not always correct. If this is the guy that competes at the state level in skateboarding it shows that he can apply himself to something and do darn well. It seems to me that it is hard to compete at anything at the state level and be lazy.

The part about changing him is actually what bothers me. My advice remains the same: find a way to accept him as he is. If you can’t, move on. While people can and do change, forcing a change on someone in a relationship or for a relationship almost never ends well.

 

[77horses]

I'm actually not that worried about the weed. Back in the Pleistocene when I was in High School, a lot of my skateboard and metal friends did weed and more - I never touched the stuff. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only 40 year old that has never tried weed. Maybe someday I will but for now, my mind is not something I want altered: I need whatever is left of it to be fully functional. I was the Eagle Scout and the one getting good grades who stayed in school till there was no more school . The truth is that those guys turned out to be OK adults and now have families and normal children of their own. I’m not condoning this behavior of his, I don’t think it is a good thing, I just am less worried about it then others.

If you know who you are and where your boundaries are and are strong enough to stick to the plan, I actually don’t see this as a deal breaker. Especially at your age this can be tricky, peer pressure can be strong. You seem to understand that and have already set some clear boundaries which is great!

The weed smoking stereotype is that he is a lazy good for nothing with no ambition– if that is true, weed or not, consider looking elsewhere. Stereotypes are not always correct. If this is the guy that competes at the state level in skateboarding it shows that he can apply himself to something and do darn well. It seems to me that it is hard to compete at anything at the state level and be lazy.

The part about changing him is actually what bothers me. My advice remains the same: find a way to accept him as he is. If you can’t, move on. While people can and do change, forcing a change on someone in a relationship or for a relationship almost never ends well.

I get why most of you would advise me not to get involved...
But what james said is like my thoughts exactly...I'm not saying smoking weed is a good thing, and I definitely don't think it's a good idea simply because of health reasons, the law, etc...but I just don't feel like it should be a deal breaker here, like you said. I know my boundaries very well, and I'm not afraid to state them/enforce them when necessary.
You're right, that is a common stereotype. In fact, a lot of the students who go to my school who often smoke weed tend to be the ones who get in trouble with other things and aren't very ambitious...not all of them, but a good amount. He did say he doesn't do it that much and he's not a major pothead who does it 24/7...that clearly shows because he's an amazing skateboarder (he's literally considered a pro right now, not even kidding) and, as far as I know, he takes good classes and gets decent grades.
And I should have been a little more clear on what I meant by "changing him". I don't plan on actually changing him, and I do accept him as he is (even though, as I said, I don't agree with the smoking...but it's his life and I'm not going to tell him what to do and what not to do). What I meant by that is that I think I can be at least a good influence on him. Doing things like hanging out, or me inviting him to church with me or something every once in a while, wouldn't be forcing him to change. It would just be involving him with better things, when he could be smoking weed. Isn't it true that sometimes, if you spend more time around positive things, they do have an effect on you? I don't intend to try and change him. But if me being around him happens to have a good influence on him, then maybe he'll make the decision to change himself.
Who knows, maybe I'm just crazy for still wanting to be involved with him. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

...btw...I know some of you guys might not agree with this, and I'm sorry if you don't...but we are planning to hang out in a couple days. We're just going to hangout at his house just as friends (since it's raining all week and there's really nothing else to do -_-).

 

[chickened]

Good looking guys that smoke dope are a dime a dozen, none of them are all bad just the fact that they have one problem is bad enough. Think of it this way, you set a course on a ship and if your course is off just a little by the time you get to the end of your journey you realized you have missed your mark. Tell him to clean up his act and if he really cares enough for you he will, otherwise you will end up just another one of his buckle bunnies.

Be careful who you give a part of your heart to for when you do find Mr. Right you may not have much left to give. From my own experience.

 

[77horses]

Good looking guys that smoke dope are a dime a dozen, none of them are all bad just the fact that they have one problem is bad enough. Think of it this way, you set a course on a ship and if your course is off just a little by the time you get to the end of your journey you realized you have missed your mark. Tell him to clean up his act and if he really cares enough for you he will, otherwise you will end up just another one of his buckle bunnies.

Be careful who you give a part of your heart to for when you do find Mr. Right you may not have much left to give. From my own experience.

I get that. And I get that if he cares about me enough, he will clean up his act. But how can I expect him to clean up his act and show that he cares about me enough to do so if we aren't together and are just getting to know each other? You can't expect things from people who barely know you or barely trust you. That's why I feel like I should give him a chance, even if there's a risk of missing the mark at the end of the journey. If I do miss the mark, well hey there's another lesson learned. I don't think you should live your life in fear of risks and taking chances because of the possibility of it not turning out right. That doesn't mean you should purposely seek out problems that you know will end badly, it just means that sometimes it's okay to take chances after thinking it through and realizing that it may not turn out right at the end of the journey, but thinking "what if it did turn out right?" You would never know if you didn't try.
And yeah I know, I think I sometimes tend to put my whole heart into relationships when I believe they're worth it...Maybe not the best idea, because of the risk of getting hurt in the end, but I guess I do it anyways not because of the risks, but because of the possibility of the good things that can come from it, and the belief that that possibility is worth the risk sometimes. ..If that makes sense...

Haha okay, my rambling is done. Carry on.

 

[RHRanch]

Good looking guys that smoke dope are a dime a dozen, none of them are all bad just the fact that they have one problem is bad enough. Think of it this way, you set a course on a ship and if your course is off just a little by the time you get to the end of your journey you realized you have missed your mark. Tell him to clean up his act and if he really cares enough for you he will, otherwise you will end up just another one of his buckle bunnies.

Be careful who you give a part of your heart to for when you do find Mr. Right you may not have much left to give. From my own experience.

Chickened and I seldom agree.... but on this we do agree.

 

[77horses]

Chickened and I seldom agree.... but on this we do agree.

I agree too, believe me. I just don't understand how I can expect him to clean up his act if I haven't given him a chance yet.