"Frenemy"? Just need to vent it out... Very long...

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by mylittlechickpea, Dec 14, 2010.

  1. mylittlechickpea

    mylittlechickpea Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 2, 2010
    Honolulu, Hawaii
    So, I have spoken up about this girl on the forum before. It's been a while, but we semi-recently had a huge falling out and honestly I could care less if I ever talk to her again. She's rude, negative, never has anything good to say. Ever. And she's really good friends with DH. He knows how I feel about her, and for some reason I am always the unreasonable one, unwilling to give her another chance.

    Well, I think I've finally had a breakthrough in DH's head. FINALLY, I think he understands why I feel the way I do about this girl, and why I believe that her actions are not okay.

    I will give a little background, and try to be as family friendly as I can with my feelings for her still boiling in my blood today... So it happened almost two years ago, yes I know, that's a long time. DH was long distance BF, and I had become good friends with his "bestie" back home while he was away for the Navy. One night she and her lady friend may or may not have gotten a bit tipsy out at the wine walk (the story changes of how/why) and someone decided it would be an excellent idea for these two to send a few inappropriate photo's DH's way.. The next morning, "bestie" calls DH/BF and says, "OMG, I'm so embarrassed don't ever tell Stacey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah"

    Well two months later, I drive my little car alllllll the way across the country to New York, to move in with DH/BF. The whole while "bestie" over there saying what an awful idea it is, you have no idea what's going to happen, what if she does this, or what if she does that. Why would you ever want to move in with her? Seriously. She said these things to him, and gave me one heck of a time up until I pulled my little car out of the drive way in Nevada. Thank you ever so much for supporting any of my life decisions to get on up and go explore the country with someone I love and hope to be with for the rest of my days.

    So, about two weeks, I've been in NY and DH/BF tells me about the pic's. Obviously I am a little upset. He tells me his side of the story, say's sorry that it happened, and I'm sorry that I kept this from you for x-amount of time. I tell him I want to call "bestie" too, and tell her that he told me, how deeply hurt I am by the action, how even more hurt I am that they have kept this a secret for so long, and that is no way to have a friendship or relationship with anybody. Keeping secrets is never the best policy, and even though she have been embarrassed about it or whatever, I can understand that, I too have done my fair share of super lame, crappy, embarrassing things, but I always own up to mistakes.

    He tell's me it's probably not the best idea to call her, which I am upset about. She hurt me. And I would like to talk to her about this. So I didn't. I stopped answering her calls and texts for a couple months till DH/BF finally found something we could all joke about, things are semi back to normal, but this thing is still in the back of mind. Well we went home for Christmas last year, and I told DH that I finally had to say something. I can't sit there and look her in the eye without letting her know how deeply hurt I am, and that she thinks she can just do whatever she wants because "no one will ever know"

    I tell her, and immediately she looks at DH and says this is all his fault. If he hadn't gone and opened his big fat mouth "this never would happened". No, it happened. And I'm asking for an apology. He told me his side of the story, and told me he was sorry. Told me he was sorry for keeping secrets. And she goes off and says this whole thing was his idea, and he apparently asked for the pics and went on to say how none of this was her fault and basically laughed in my face for an apology. We left soon after, and I only saw her once or twice more after that because that's just lame. And I also had a bunch of family drama to attend to...

    So a couple months ago, I was in hospital. DH was driving and he suggested we call "bestie" and see what she thinks (I already knew what was wrong and why I was having pains, but DH wanted to go "just to make sure" everything was okay. She didn't answer so he told me to leave a message saying I was dying and she needed to call us back ASAP. Five hours later I get a text asking how I was, I explained my ER trip and what the doctors said and yada, yada, yada. (Under normal circumstances, the majority of my friends/family, including this girl, would think the scenario we made up was quite humorous and just be happy that I'm okay) I immediately get some nasty response from her saying how awful of a person I am to do such a thing, and the next time you call me I'm not going to believe you, and you know what better yet just don't call. So I asked her if it would be better had I waited 8 months to tell her what had happened (referencing the pic's) and she went off telling me that was how long ago, and how dare I still be so upset about it and it never even happened it the first place, and even if it had it would have been DH's fault. And ended on the positive note of telling me I was psychotic. Nice.

    Well DH and I were driving around yesterday, and she was texting him. He asked me about those dumb pics and why am still so upset. I'm not upset about the stupid pictures. I'm upset that she laughed in my face when I asked for an apology, and put the blame off on everyone else. And so he tells me I'm being unreasonable, and whatever, so I change subject. When he went to bed last night, I read his text because now I'm just curious about what they were talking about and why he would bring this up. She is wanting to send him a Christmas present, which I have no problem with. But she is asking him to supply another address to send the box to. That I have problem with. What on earth would she be sending to him, that his wife cannot see? So of course, I fly off the handle, and I'm furious, but I'm not going to wake him up just to yell and scream because that lame. I called a friend, she talked me down, and told me to come up with some creative way to bring it up.

    Well this morning he had to be into work suuuuuuper early, so I just stayed up and made him sunny side eggs, covered in cheese and some home made cinnamon rolls at 3:00 o'clock in the morning. I try to bring up what we had talked about yesterday in the car, and he just tells me that I'm being unreasonable and why can't I just forget about the whole thing and it's not a big deal. I keep trying to tell him that it's not about the stupid pictures anymore. It never was. It's the fact that she thinks she can go around in secrecy and do whatever the heck she wants and just put the blame on other people. He gets upset and runs into the bathroom and tells me I'm being a moody bee, and just need to forget about it.

    Uggghhhhhh, he comes out and I run down the stairs and grab the smokes and just go sit down on the front porch and sit there. He comes out, asks for a smoke, I was tempted to tell him to go to gas station, but I didn't. I held my tongue. We're sitting there, just stewing for about five minutes, when he mumbles out of the side of his mouth, sorry. And I ask him if he can't see where I'm coming from? Somehow I worded something just slightly different, and suddenly it all clicks in his mind. Why I have been so freaking angry with this girl for the last two years, I told him to tell her if she wants to send a stinking box, just send it to the house, and he finally understands. Secrets don't make friends. I didn't want to tell him I snooped on his text but I think he understood, and he understands with the dumb present thing. So maybe one of these he will tell her what the big freaking problem is, and she may actually listen to him because he's not the psychotic one. And he understands why I am angry that she would be trying to send something to different address, unless it's more pics and yesterday's fundies, there is no reason to continue on with this.

    Sorry for the super looooooooooong post but I figured it might be less confusing to start over, now I know and I can see that this girl is poison, but now that my point has FINALLY been made, I'm hoping people will stop looking at me like I'm a flipping loon. DH is very smart, very very smart, but he lacks in the common sense department and I would hope he finally understands me a little better now.

    Since my last post of us not doing too hot we've been a lot better up until this morning. We're learning how to talk [​IMG]
  2. turney31

    turney31 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 14, 2008
    palestine texas
    [​IMG] I think your dh could and should FIX this. He seems to be the problem, not the Bestie. He could stop it in an instant.
  3. Dunkopf

    Dunkopf Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 24, 2010
    Kiowa, Colorado
    Men should not have women friends when they are married and vice versa. It just doesn't work.
  4. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    Uhh..yeah. He'd not be having ANY contact with that chick if i had a say. None...
    You're his wife.. YOU come first. And ANYONE asking him an alternate address to send something,.. IS poison. Shes trying to manipulate your husband aganist you.
    Actually you have to STOP blaming this chick..and put the blame where it belongs..on HIM.
    He IS ALLOWING this to go on.... its ALL on him. Period.
    Personally, i'd be long gone.... no way i'd fight with MY HUSBAND over some stinkin hoochie...
    It shouldnt EVEN be a problem....

    ETA:.. think of it this way..
    What if you had a guy friend that had sent you nudie pics and told you not to tell your hubby...
    What would YOU do?
    What if they same guy disrespected your husband and laughed in his face?? What would YOU do?
    What if this guy asked you for an address so he can be sneaky and send you some secret gift behind your husbands back?
    What would you do as a wife??? Would you allow that to happen??
    NO, i dont think so because its VERY wrong...
    And what your husband has allowed to happen is VERY wrong and VERY disrespectful to you...
    No way i'd stay with a man that disrespected me like that.
    When do you say enough is enough?
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2010
  5. turney31

    turney31 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 14, 2008
    palestine texas
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
  6. mylittlechickpea

    mylittlechickpea Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 2, 2010
    Honolulu, Hawaii
    Our biggest problems right now are 1: Finances (I'm not working) and 2: This jerk girl.

    He's agreed to to go see a counselor with me, now he just has to get a day off [​IMG]

    I've talked to his mother about her, and we have both come to the same conlusion as Red. I am his wife. I should be bestie and no one else. So we'll see how this goes. The alternate adress though. [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] Seriously?

    She needs to get hit a bus, imo. Or maybe just a lobotomy.

    But we'll be hitting the 1 year mark in a short 20 days, and things can only up, right?
  7. turney31

    turney31 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 14, 2008
    palestine texas
    You still don't get it!
  8. mylittlechickpea

    mylittlechickpea Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 2, 2010
    Honolulu, Hawaii

    I'm trying! But I'm special....
  9. DTchickens

    DTchickens Overrun With Chickens

    Mar 23, 2008
    Bailey, Mississippi.
    I wouldn't be so close to calling it a quits, though it is disrespectful I wouldn't immediately say "Divorce!" or even support that. I think counseling is a great idea, some people take a little longer to connect the dots in relationships and therefore he may not even see it as disrespectful, and needs to be talked to.

    The way I feel, if you're going to leave someone I think you're supposed to figure out who the person is before you marry them. Once married, don't expect it to be all "peachy" and things need to be kept in mind just because you're married does not mean the relationship only requires you to just live together. When dating it's funny how people try to please each other so much, they care for each other, and then once they get married both drop the ball and don't even try. I like what one guy said "You don't date to marry, you marry to date."

    I don't exactly think you should rule out having guy friends, nor should he not have female friends. I think it is a matter of each party needing to know where their place is, and weeding out the trash. I know I've cut quite a few girls off, won't even talk to them, because of my fiancee but she has guy friends and I have a few female friends.. We're fine, as long as the guys keep their hands to themselves, as well as my friends.


    ETA: And yup, probably thinking "you said "FIANCEE" marriage is different." but I am just giving my opinion based off of pretty much over 5 years of an on-going relation, there were times when we weren't exactly dating but still cared very much about each other, and have been pretty much together for going on three years steady (also breaking up a few times to be honest, however most of the time it was said out of anger during arguments and back together the next day, or other things which are completely resolved now that we have a better understanding of each other.)

    Also, due to being young and people always telling us we didn't know marriage, should wait, or whatever. I've done quite the research, looking at it from a lot of peoples views and looking closely into the requirements and such. Kind of funny really, but when most people think of marriage they act like it is some terrible thing.. I personally can't wait, even knowing the issues that may come up, while others dream of cars, money, and fancy homes. I dream of a wife, children, and that's about it. I think it is truthfully people just don't realize what they do have in a marriage that causes them to be unhappy (though I understand, people do tend to make poor choices sometimes and just can't be happy due to the way the other person acts. But even then, relationships usually have faults on both sides even if only one is blamed.)

    And to be clear, not saying you may be doing stuff as well you shouldn't. I don't know the full story, like some are calling your husband manipulative, truthfully from the text I don't see that. Perhaps he just doesn't want to lose a friend, which he considered/possibly still considers her. I imagine in the long run if it tends to get worse he may pick you. But again, there maybe more to the story of him, and he could truly be manipulative. Most of my post is just a "in general" response, not directed completely at you. You can take it for what it is worth.
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2010
  10. turney31

    turney31 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 14, 2008
    palestine texas
    [​IMG] You are special! Too special to be treated like you are BY YOUR HUSBAND. Forget the other woman. She is not your problem! You need to pull your self up by the boot straps, Get a job so you are not under his thumb and can gain some self confidence. My Son and Daughter-in-law were stationed in Hawaii as newly weds.(Marines) They were there 3 years. Look your DH in the eye and say I will not be disrespected! AND MEAN IT! Be aloof and make him come to you. If he can treat your feelings so callously, he is not worth having. He is manipulating you and you are buying it hook line and sinker. Get tough, stand tall and get independant. Tolerate no bs and don't be afraid to tell him its nothing but a plane ride home. Hold up your end of the bargain. Clean, cook, work etc... Before long he should be following you around like a puppy.

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by