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- #21
- Mar 27, 2018
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Thank you! When you are a kid, especially a girl, you grow up with a typical princess/prince outlook on marriage and love. I kept expecting those results up until high school, when I got a smack in the face by reality.What you watch on Tv, what you read in books, what you dream when you curl up to sleep at night, is all fiction, so I did not realize before now what true love was and that is why I had such bad relationships, even with my fiance beforehand. Love is different for every person and for me was more mild than the dramatics I often fantasized about, which turned out to be exactly what I needed. But as I grew, one thing was for certain; marriage is not perfect.Oh boy hon, congratulations!
I've been married 20 years now and it the HARDEST relationship I have ever maintained.
Moving stinks and is one of the major stressors in life along with marriage.
Honestly I would seek counseling before getting married. Spend the $ and the time... this is the REST of your life we are talking about. Marriage involves real sacrifice on both parts. And I would WAIT until after those few months of school in another state. If you have waited this long a few more months won't change your love.
AND hugely... at 44 I am NOT who I was at 19 or 20! I don't enjoy the same things I did then or even have the same perspective. People grow and change. I am still learning things about MYSELF in my 40's. I thought I knew who I was and where I stood. And while my core being is the same I truly am not. Realizing triggers that make you respond in a certain way to things... like the reasons for clingy verses not. It get's deep sometimes. Having an understanding is good... but have discovered it becomes harder to accept if somewhere deep inside change was hope for (and lets be real, it likely IS hoped for). Having animals to love on has helped to be more whole and NOT expecting to receive your happiness from another person. You are responsible for your own well being. Having things you do together AND separately are important to being well rounded (for us).
MONEY... my husband is a spender and I am a saver. What was OK in our 20's is not OK now... He always wan't to tip an extra dollar than I do. He thinks I'm being stingy and I think I'm looking out for our family.
Will you combine your incomes and bills or keep separate bank accounts? Do you wanna work or stay home? How many kids? Will they be raised under a certain religion? Parenting is one of those aspects I can't stress enough. Will you be cooking and cleaning or split it up?
Guess what in my 20's I didn't wanna cook... and I STILL don't. But my husband wan't to eat!My house was clean (spotless) when I lived alone. Now we are (semi) hoarders... I'm NOT his mother and I won't act like it...
Speaking of Mother/Father... My husband ABSOLUTELY married his mother! I'm JUST like her.I love and respect her. And I married my Dad... at least a part of him. My dad was a dreamer. My husband is too, except he follows through with pursuing our dreams. Recognize the aspects in each other to see if it applies to you at all.
Note that being married can still sometimes be the loneliest place in the world.
In the end.. I have someone who is committed to me (and I he) MORE than any other person in the world. Will your kids come first or will your husband come first so your kids know they have parents who are committed to caring for each other and providing a stable loving home where even when you are mad or hurt they will be accepted for who they are even when they do something wrong. So they will know how to have a loving and forgiving relationships of their own... once the kids grow up and move out it's just the two of you again.
Sometimes it will take 100% on your part while he flounders. Or 100% on his part. And on occasion it will be 50/50. Figure out your moodiness and deal with it!
My kids have a TRUE look at marriage and kids can be like... including the rewards that come along. But in NO way do they think fairy tells are reality.
I like to joke... if you don't want someone coming behind you messing up everything you did AND telling you what to do... don't get married OR have kids.
I wouldn't trade my husband for anything. We are equally messed up and totally deserve each other. I also would NEVER choose to go through where we have been again and if I actually remember all the moves, child rearing and other challenges it literally makes me cry. It hurt. But through working past our CHILDHOOD issues (some that didn't surface before getting married), we are content and healing together. We have truly become 1. We ALWAYS consider the other persons feeling (even if we choose to be selfish).
Really... Christ is key! IMHO, and even then your heart has to be open for shaping.
Being away from friends and family was hard my first time. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. And so many other things. In the end though I know I was led where I needed to be during those times in order to shape who I am today. Long distance calls are a thing of the past, it used to cost bank... but now you can easily reach out and touch someone.
Got a friend or family member expressing a specific concern? They KNOW the truth more than we do. So quietly consider their concern is likely for your best interest even if just seems like jealousy... you should know the ones who are drama ridden verses the ones who really lay their heart out there. A bitter truth from a friend is better than the sweet lie of an enemy.
I come together and second all the prayers that have been asked for you and your upcoming nuptials... In Jesus name!
Quickly noting we were (ARE) an opposites attract... it equals nightmares... until you get old and tired. Feels like someone played a really cruel joke on us.
Marriage counseling is something I will definitely consider once we have more money (since we are pretty poor at the moment
). I take therapy and even though it is no longer a necessity now that I have my anxiety, PCOS, and depression under control, it still helps tremendously to talk to someone about everyday life and personal issues. As for our decision to get married before Wisconsin, it was more of a comfort for me since I am an unwedded virgin woman. It would deliver some relaxation if I did not have those boundaries I wish to keep until after the wedding.I will admit that the truths you speak of are a bit scary, but they are things i need to take into consideration
we are different people and depending on him to make me happy from now until death do us part is unrealistic. As you said, we are very different people, and while we have talked about issues, as in who is going to cook, are we both going to work or is one going to stay home, what religion will the kids be raised as; it still needs to be in the back of my mind to communicate and there most likely will be arguing. That is not to say we will not love each other afterwards, but that those will be the moments that traditional vows speak of.I have a weakness in my faith and an awkward stance with God, but I am slowly coming to terms with him as my savior and with my christian husband at my side, I think daily prayer and acknowledgement that he is behind us through thick and thin, will keep our bond as a married couple strong. We will be waiting to have kids for now, spend time in each other's company and learn our separate lifestyles, but it is a date that we are anxiously waiting for.
Thank you for your advice, experiences, and words of wisdom. I will take your words into account and pass them onto my fiance and any others that i know who wish to marry soon. It sounds like while your relationship is hard, it is worth while and you have the most perfect imperfect partner
I will certainly listen more to my families concerns and I do think, very often, that this world and life we live can be rather cruel to fragile creatures such as us 
Well said
and that is wonderful for both of you! Your type of forever growing love is what we are going to inspire to achieve! 
Thank You so much for the advice! It warms the heart and gives me hope for the future ~
