Getting married and looking for advice!

[Loopeend]

Wow that’s a crazy outlook on life. I’m not trying to insult you or anything, I respect everyone’s world views. It just gives me anxiety even putting myself in that mindset. My relationship with God and my commitment to one person for life is what keeps me grounded. If I need constant good feelings and circumstances to fuel my love for someone, then in my opinion it’s more like lust than love. I struggle with depression and anxiety so much that I can’t even fathom the hole I’d be in if I let divorce be an option in my heart.
If I had fears about my partner falling in love with someone else, it would need to be addressed and fixed immediately. I wouldn’t have gotten married if I didn’t trust my husband 100% or didn’t believe I could talk to him when I am struggling with trust. I can’t even imagine how much it would hurt if I knew he constantly had divorce in the back of his mind as a scapegoat if he suddenly decided he didn’t want to make our marriage work. I don’t believe in “the One,” I believe you have to choose to commit yourself to one person for life. You have to want to make it work.

Don’t take that the wrong way, I love and respect many people who have had divorces in their lives, including my husband’s parents who have both now been remarried to separate people for 20 years or something like that. I love them both like their my own parents, I just know first hand that it’s incredibly sad for everyone involved.. if someone is really that flippant about marriage then why even spend the time and money on a contract you don’t really believe in just to spend more money later when it’s not going the way you wanted it to?

That sounds aggressive but I’m really just deep in thought, please don’t be offended. I’ve honestly just never heard that point of view so clearly laid out like that. Again, not trying to provoke anyone, these are genuine questions that I’m wondering. Maybe I’m in the wrong for even asking.

No, I'm not offended.
That is why I said 'this might sound negative'. I know it comes off that way.

I really want to be with my partner forever, a marriage means a lot for me, allthough I'm not religious it has great meaning for me. We haven't gotten married yet because of my anxiety's. But lord, I secretly want that sooo bad.. but it is a scary change with negative thoughts on your mind.
My anxiety's come from a bad place and bad relationships.
This way of thinking helps me to stop my anxiety's. Because they stop these negative thoughts I can focus in the here and now. It is not what I REALLY think or feel; but a way to tackle these pesky useless negative thoughts. And realise they are useless.
Telling myself 'relax, you can allways get out', let's me breath again and creates room to focus on my partner.
These useless 'what if' thoughts melt like ice in the sun when I tell myself 'there will allways be a solution, a way out, the cat will land on his feet again, so it is useless to 'what if' now'.

 

[kwhites634]

I am getting married this coming October to my best friend. I have no doubt I want to marry him and that he is "the one", my soulmate, my other half, etc. but I have never been good with change nor have I ever moved out of my parents home and been away from them for long periods of time. Right after the wedding we are supposed to be moving to Wisconsin for a few months so he can take classes. We live in Ohio!

So partnered with a big move, I am also worried about the physical aspect of the relationship. I am not a touchy feely person while he is and super clingy. We have an understanding about that, but it still worries me in the long run. I've also dealt with relationship issues my whole life, romantically, and it scares me the thought of commitment as well as if he will keep true.

I guess I just need advice or some encouraging words to make me feel better? I am going to get married despite these feelings as I feel I am ready for the next step, but kind words and maybe good experiences in your own lives would help a girl out. Just a little background information, we have known each other since the fourth grade and have been dating on and off since then. I am twenty and he is nineteen and recently got back together after two years apart after graduation.

Probably one of the sweetest, most patient, understanding, funniest guys in the world!

Get some fertile chicken eggs & put them in an incubator. You can sit & watch them for three weeks, then he can play with the chicks that hatch.

Ann Landers

 

[Tesumph]

No, I'm not offended.
That is why I said 'this might sound negative'. I know it comes off that way.

I really want to be with my partner forever, a marriage means a lot for me, allthough I'm not religious it has great meaning for me. We haven't gotten married yet because of my anxiety's. But lord, I secretly want that sooo bad.. but it is a scary change with negative thoughts on your mind.
My anxiety's come from a bad place and bad relationships.
This way of thinking helps me to stop my anxiety's. Because they stop these negative thoughts I can focus in the here and now. It is not what I REALLY think or feel; but a way to tackle these pesky useless negative thoughts. And realise they are useless.
Telling myself 'relax, you can allways get out', let's me breath again and creates room to focus on my partner.
These useless 'what if' thoughts melt like ice in the sun when I tell myself 'there will allways be a solution, a way out, the cat will land on his feet again, so it is useless to 'what if' now'.

That does make sense, thank you for not being offended by my direct questions haha.
I brought a lot of baggage into our marriage from my childhood, and have been having to face the music now that it’s not just me. I can definitely relate to the anxiety self-talks, but funnily enough it’s usually my husband who is telling me “it’s okay if this situation doesn’t work out, there’s a million possibilities and none of them are wrong.” He puts an end to my what-ifs haha.
I sincerely hope your relationship works out. When you do decide to make someone the one and open up your weaknesses, you become so much more of a complete person.

 

[kwhites634]

Haha I had plenty of people tell me I was too young as well. I get where they’re coming from, but at the same time, I knew what I wanted and what I was getting myself into. The highschool dating scene was never my thing, too shallow and stressful, I really don’t miss it one bit. I love being committed and knowing that if everything else fell apart I would still have my soulmate. We are very different, but even in the short amount of time I’ve been married, seeing the way we make up for each other’s faults is really awesome.

And for the record, my mom got engaged to my dad when she was 18. They just celebrated their 30th anniversary.

I married DW when she was 18, a month out of high school, & never lived outside of her parents' home. 52 years, 2 kids, 5 grandkids, & 4 greatgrandkids later, here we are.

 

[Tesumph]

I married DW when she was 18, a month out of high school, & never lived outside of her parents' home. 52 years, 2 kids, 5 grandkids, & 4 greatgrandkids later, here we are.

That’s awesome. I love when people beat the odds.

 

[Loopeend]

I can definitely relate to the anxiety self-talks, but funnily enough it’s usually my husband who is telling me “it’s okay if this situation doesn’t work out, there’s a million possibilities and none of them are wrong.” He puts an end to my what-ifs haha.

What your husband does, is what I am doing to myself, and tried to tell..
But I guess went a bit wrong, I used a too heavy example, English is not my first language, we type and can't see each other.. things got lost in translation I think.

But I guess I mean you have to find a way to stop your 'what-ifs'. How I do it might work for some, for others it doesn't. But I thought I type it anyway in case someone can benefit from it.
What-ifs can be poisenous for a good marriage or any relationship, even your relationship with yourself. You are filling things in for what you have no proof of. What-ifs about the future are are sadly only answered by waiting untill it is the future... what-ifs about persons can be solved by actually talking about it with the persons.

But the most relevant question; will there be chickens on your wedding?

 

[Tesumph]

What your husband does, is what I am doing to myself, and tried to tell..
But I guess went a bit wrong, I used a too heavy example, English is not my first language, we type and can't see each other.. things got lost in translation I think.

But I guess I mean you have to find a way to stop your 'what-ifs'. How I do it might work for some, for others it doesn't. But I thought I type it anyway in case someone can benefit from it.
What-ifs can be poisenous for a good marriage or any relationship, even your relationship with yourself. You are filling things in for what you have no proof of. What-ifs about the future are are sadly only answered by waiting untill it is the future... what-ifs about persons can be solved by actually talking about it with the persons.

But the most relevant question; will there be chickens on your wedding?

Amen about the what-ifs! They are nothing but poisonous seeds of doubt. I think we may have gotten things lost in translation, your explanation makes a lot more sense now. Thank you for answering me!

 

[kwhites634]

That’s awesome. I love when people beat the odds.

It hasn't always been peaches & roses, but we've managed to work it out.
One of the best managers in Baseball's Major Leagues, Buck Showalter, of the Baltimore Orioles, likes to say "We're never as good as our best games, but never as bad as our worst games". There's a world of truth right there. Marriage is the biggest, most important game most of us will ever be in; we owe it to ourselves to give it our best shot, knowing we'll have slumps along the way.

 

[Redhead Rae]

Congrats!

My situation is a bit different from your's. I didn't marry my DH until I was 27 and he was 31. We also are both very touchy, cuddly people.

We married just a little over a year after we met. We were engaged after 6 months. Before my husband, the longest relationship I had was 2 months.

However, we are both Christians who were virgins until after marriage. My husband hadn't even kissed anyone else.

I understand what you mean about feeling weak in your faith. Usually, when things are good, it is hardest to remember to pray and seek guidance. And when things go wrong, you don't feel like you deserve his attention because of how wishy-washy you've been.

My advice, look into the 5 love languages. You need to figure out what your fiance's primary love languages are and figure out how best to show love to your future husband, and how you best receive love. My husband and I are fortunate that we have our runaway first love language in common, Physical Touch. My second and third are Quality Time and Acts of Service. My husband's second and third are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Words of Affirmation used to be my third, but since having my son, Acts of Service mean more to me than Words of Affirmation. The one love language that

The biggest relationship killer is unmet expectations. If you can't figure out how your partner best receives love, than they will often feel unloved. For example, your fiance could be showing love by buying thoughtful gifts and making grand romantic gestures, but you resent the extra time he is putting in at work to pay for these things and would be happy if he made it home for dinner and a movie a couple nights a week and he assumes you are ungrateful when he is working so hard to show you how much he loves you.

I hope this helps.

 

[Loopeend]

Congrats!
My advice, look into the 5 love languages. You need to figure out what your fiance's primary love languages are and figure out how best to show love to your future husband, and how you best receive love. My husband and I are fortunate that we have our runaway first love language in common, Physical Touch. My second and third are Quality Time and Acts of Service. My husband's second and third are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Words of Affirmation used to be my third, but since having my son, Acts of Service mean more to me than Words of Affirmation.

Never heard of this. Is this a religious thing if I may ask? You mentioned that you are Christian; is this something that you got taught through your religion or somewhere else?
It sounds like it makes sense in every relationship. I would like to know more of this. It sounds very logical en true.