Getting married and looking for advice!

[bluejeans]

I am getting married this coming October to my best friend. I have no doubt I want to marry him and that he is "the one", my soulmate, my other half, etc. but I have never been good with change nor have I ever moved out of my parents home and been away from them for long periods of time. Right after the wedding we are supposed to be moving to Wisconsin for a few months so he can take classes. We live in Ohio!

So partnered with a big move, I am also worried about the physical aspect of the relationship. I am not a touchy feely person while he is and super clingy. We have an understanding about that, but it still worries me in the long run. I've also dealt with relationship issues my whole life, romantically, and it scares me the thought of commitment as well as if he will keep true.

I guess I just need advice or some encouraging words to make me feel better? I am going to get married despite these feelings as I feel I am ready for the next step, but kind words and maybe good experiences in your own lives would help a girl out. Just a little background information, we have known each other since the fourth grade and have been dating on and off since then. I am twenty and he is nineteen and recently got back together after two years apart after graduation.

Probably one of the sweetest, most patient, understanding, funniest guys in the world!

My wife and I were married when i was 19 and she 18 we just celebrated .this summer our 50th wedding anniversery
My advice would be (if you dont have one ).Join a good bible believing church a wels church while in wisconsin. As they give marriage classes and will be your support group after your married. Their is a old evil foe called Satan and
He hates every thing about good marriage and will try to destroy what you two have. Your going to need Christ and his Church.

 

[EggSighted4Life]

How do you know when to draw to line when you have the feelings it all will work out and has a reason? I still believe things have a reason, I don't quit easy; but I have also learned it sometimes turned out for the better to quit. How do you solve this?

That's a difficult question since everybody has different limits.

The truth is even when we quit something... it STILL works out one way or another... and yes I think EVERY thing has a purpose... and that ultimately is to produce fruits in our life. Just like plants go through seasons... of dormancy or a winter if you will... so must we.

When hard times set in... instead of saying "oh no, here we go again" try to remember... "Alright, here we GROW again"... growing doesn't happen in our comfort zone. It includes stretching and bending, sometimes to the very brink of breaking. The winds that blow strengthens the stock. It has to be strong but also flexible. It didn't get that way overnight but through practice... Practice being patient, understanding, forgiving... sometimes things creep back in on us... even if we have forgiven in our hearts... our mind is still very easily distracted and WANTS to protect us and make us build walls of anger and resentment... Forgiveness is for US not the offender... or we will be eaten alive with our hate, anger, and worry. But when it creeps in on you practice... chances are whatever is bugging didn't just happen instantly and neither will TRULY letting go... just keep practicing.

The line is very thin... I have broken. (now to a little semi religious testimony) I thought God said he wouldn't give us more than we can handle??? Turns out, ALL things are possible WITH God... on my own I could not handle it (tried to take my own life, MANY years ago). Hated and resented God for rejecting me and not taking me home that day. I couldn't take it anymore and I had nothing left to give. I was completely depleted of self. An empty shell with no hope or desire... brought on by a seemingly failing marriage... that I gave my ALL... I had no personal identity left.

One day, I realized that EVEN God need to be forgiven... for ME to fully enjoy and appreciate life. That day turned out to be a catalyst of healing for my family! My husband realized my true motivation behind my many misunderstood actions. He used to think I wanted to control him but found out I was really TRYING to protect him. He found out that his providing for the family wasn't meeting our TRUE needs for love and acceptance and there is something deeper.. even if that isn't what his CULTURE had ingrained in him. We learned that the LOVE language we were speaking was different. And we were influenced by so many outside forces. Of course medical treatment for underlying conditions was partly key.

And with all our issues... how did I know God wasn't the one who wanted us to go separate ways and it was out own stubbornness that had us following this awful path? MAYBE He was trying to lead us apart and Satan wanted us together so we could be unhappy and defensive all the time. The mind and the heart battle... Love hurts. I say follow the heart... the mind lies... that is if your heart can be honest with you.

There were lonely times in my marriage. My husband and I BOTH had a LOT of maturing and growing to do. There were times we grew apart... BUT we tended our garden... adding nourishment where needed and pulling the weeds of life when we can... around ourselves and each other... we have now grown together and tend each other AND ourselves... and KNOW we no longer have to worry about the weeds in the middle... yes they will be there and sometimes I might be to busy plucking weeds on my other side but my husband will tend the center. And sometimes he might be busy on his other side while I tend the center. We are rarely exactly 50/50 and have such a hard time... sometimes it's like even though we are in the same garden we face different weather patterns and he might be in winter or fall while I'm in summer or spring or vice versa... Yet somehow we shelter and help each other... and TRUST wholeheartedly (even knowing their shortcomings) that they DO have our back and best interest in their heart. It's a wonderful feeling to truly KNOW you are NOT in this alone.

But you MUST know the core being of the other person... If they are hitting you and say I'm sorry it won't happen again... as much as you WANT to believe them and THEY want it to be true... it will happen again, they need help. If they are using drugs... and sell your stuff or meet hookers... but you think they are OK WHEN they aren't using.... those are lies and you NEED to get OUT. They need help. Whether we like it or not... we all do have a higher power that drives us... And no one can be reasonable when they are being driven by higher power of mental illness or drug addiction. Can they get help and recover??? SOME can, but not all. And for those who do it will be a process. Ask yourself WHY you are committed... is it habit... you are just used to it and scared to be alone and have your own issues that need some rehabilitation? Is it really Love? And is Love the end all reason to be with someone? I say NO... Love is a choice... we may not choose who we love... but we choose our actions... we can't fully love another if we don't know how to love ourselves OR what love even is... Not selfishly... but when our own cup is full it will run over and pour into the lives of others. This passage doesn't refer only to marriage... but to LOVE in general.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

One more thing about when to draw the line.... set some boundaries for yourself. Know your boundaries. Is there a deal breaker for you? Discuss your boundaries so it is CLEAR when they are being crossed.

Sorry if this wasn't helpful much... Hang in there!

 

[Loopeend]

That's a difficult question since everybody has different limits.

The truth is even when we quit something... it STILL works out one way or another... and yes I think EVERY thing has a purpose... and that ultimately is to produce fruits in our life. Just like plants go through seasons... of dormancy or a winter if you will... so must we.

When hard times set in... instead of saying "oh no, here we go again" try to remember... "Alright, here we GROW again"... growing doesn't happen in our comfort zone. It includes stretching and bending, sometimes to the very brink of breaking. The winds that blow strengthens the stock. It has to be strong but also flexible. It didn't get that way overnight but through practice... Practice being patient, understanding, forgiving... sometimes things creep back in on us... even if we have forgiven in our hearts... our mind is still very easily distracted and WANTS to protect us and make us build walls of anger and resentment... Forgiveness is for US not the offender... or we will be eaten alive with our hate, anger, and worry. But when it creeps in on you practice... chances are whatever is bugging didn't just happen instantly and neither will TRULY letting go... just keep practicing.

The line is very thin... I have broken. (now to a little semi religious testimony) I thought God said he wouldn't give us more than we can handle??? Turns out, ALL things are possible WITH God... on my own I could not handle it (tried to take my own life, MANY years ago). Hated and resented God for rejecting me and not taking me home that day. I couldn't take it anymore and I had nothing left to give. I was completely depleted of self. An empty shell with no hope or desire... brought on by a seemingly failing marriage... that I gave my ALL... I had no personal identity left.

One day, I realized that EVEN God need to be forgiven... for ME to fully enjoy and appreciate life. That day turned out to be a catalyst of healing for my family! My husband realized my true motivation behind my many misunderstood actions. He used to think I wanted to control him but found out I was really TRYING to protect him. He found out that his providing for the family wasn't meeting our TRUE needs for love and acceptance and there is something deeper.. even if that isn't what his CULTURE had ingrained in him. We learned that the LOVE language we were speaking was different. And we were influenced by so many outside forces. Of course medical treatment for underlying conditions was partly key.

And with all our issues... how did I know God wasn't the one who wanted us to go separate ways and it was out own stubbornness that had us following this awful path? MAYBE He was trying to lead us apart and Satan wanted us together so we could be unhappy and defensive all the time. The mind and the heart battle... Love hurts. I say follow the heart... the mind lies... that is if your heart can be honest with you.

There were lonely times in my marriage. My husband and I BOTH had a LOT of maturing and growing to do. There were times we grew apart... BUT we tended our garden... adding nourishment where needed and pulling the weeds of life when we can... around ourselves and each other... we have now grown together and tend each other AND ourselves... and KNOW we no longer have to worry about the weeds in the middle... yes they will be there and sometimes I might be to busy plucking weeds on my other side but my husband will tend the center. And sometimes he might be busy on his other side while I tend the center. We are rarely exactly 50/50 and have such a hard time... sometimes it's like even though we are in the same garden we face different weather patterns and he might be in winter or fall while I'm in summer or spring or vice versa... Yet somehow we shelter and help each other... and TRUST wholeheartedly (even knowing their shortcomings) that they DO have our back and best interest in their heart. It's a wonderful feeling to truly KNOW you are NOT in this alone.

But you MUST know the core being of the other person... If they are hitting you and say I'm sorry it won't happen again... as much as you WANT to believe them and THEY want it to be true... it will happen again, they need help. If they are using drugs... and sell your stuff or meet hookers... but you think they are OK WHEN they aren't using.... those are lies and you NEED to get OUT. They need help. Whether we like it or not... we all do have a higher power that drives us... And no one can be reasonable when they are being driven by higher power of mental illness or drug addiction. Can they get help and recover??? SOME can, but not all. And for those who do it will be a process. Ask yourself WHY you are committed... is it habit... you are just used to it and scared to be alone and have your own issues that need some rehabilitation? Is it really Love? And is Love the end all reason to be with someone? I say NO... Love is a choice... we may not choose who we love... but we choose our actions... we can't fully love another if we don't know how to love ourselves OR what love even is... Not selfishly... but when our own cup is full it will run over and pour into the lives of others. This passage doesn't refer only to marriage... but to LOVE in general.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

One more thing about when to draw the line.... set some boundaries for yourself. Know your boundaries. Is there a deal breaker for you? Discuss your boundaries so it is CLEAR when they are being crossed.

Sorry if this wasn't helpful much... Hang in there!

It was very helpfull. In my opinion you say words that are very true.
No wait, it was not helpfull at all haha! And that was helpfull...
I think, with or without God in your life, we all struggle with the same. It is not easy to have a good relationship. Ever. Or to change. Or to grow.
You want it easy and now and not with struggles and tommorow. You want this so bad that you don't see that you are growing. People hate 'not knowing', we want to explain eveything because it gives comfort. We want rules. Guidelines.
Sometimes there are just no guidelines on this very moment...
I sometimes feel that my generation is lied upon. (80's). I could become anything I wanted, have everything I wanted; as long as I am a good person. Then it comes magically to me. Was told to me as a kid.
But that is not how it works.
We all don't know..and just keep trying. And hoping. That this is the answer. But maybe there is no answer right know? Maybe an answer will never come? We just have to be patiënt?

I have become atheist because I have too many people in my life that tell me how to do, to act, what will become of me when I do this or don't do this. Atheist is not the right word. Since it is not religion-based. I just hate people telling how you should be/act/live without listening to each other. And this happens too often, religious based or not.
"I think I'm depressed I keep having thoughts of suicide" "why don't you just smile more?'
"I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can't get myself out of bed in the morning' 'You should just get out of bed in the morning'.
"I am worried that I drink too much to not have to think about the death of my mother' 'you should quit drinking'.
That is NOT listening. That is sweeping stuff under the rug.

I am going to tell something recent personal. Because; why not. I believe in honesty.
The mother of my partner died 3 years ago. We have 7 months a relationship now. When I met him he was working 6 days a week from 6 in the morning to 10 in the evening to not have to think about his mother. This collapsed. Burnout. He is sick at home now and getting help to recover from the traumatic event, losing his mother. For the traumtic part you also have to understand that he as young man had to wash her, carry her dead body around, had to do everything for the funeral because the rest of the family couldn't because it was too hard. And they are right. That is hard. But he did it and now has a trauma.
Because he has a burnout from this it gets too personal and close for family members..
What is easier then looking at your own emotions... blaiming someone else...
I get a message from the family that I put him in this burnout and that I should leave him so he can work 'like normal' again? I am pretty sure that I was not involved in the death of his mother...
They are not listening to him; he can say 'Loopeend' is not the reason that I have a burnout it is the death of our mothe... 'no! If loopeend goes away it will be okay again!'. I'm pretty sure that if I leave him their mother does not come back...

I want to marry this man. Even after only 7 months. He listens. He works to grow and change. And not because I tell him to, because he wants it. He listens. I listen to him. We see eachother.
And I truly think; coming back to the story; that is the key and most important thing to have a good relationship or marriage. Talk. Listen.

 

[EggSighted4Life]

And I truly think; coming back to the story; that is the key and most important thing to have a good relationship or marriage. Talk. Listen.

Yes, communication is key!

I am sorry for the struggle you both are facing! I hope the recovery effort for your partner comes along well. When we are burnt out... we don't even have the energy to enjoy the things we love. EVERY thing takes some sort of effort. Even plants will die without "rest"!

It took 40+ years for my husband to START healing from his family trauma... His aunts, uncle's, and grand parents who he was left with in Korea for 2 years at the age of 10 while his mother came to the US and spent the time to immigrate LEGALLY had issue with his father and took it out on him (my hubby) by telling that his mother was never returning for him and one day he came home from school to find them eating his PET dog and laughing about it. Making fun of him for crying. Oh boy the fall out... abandonment issues and others that were stuffed down and surfaced every time we faced difficulty. And I see and feel his pain first hand. I hurt FOR him. I cannot discount how this has effected him... Finally he see's it's not what happens to you that dictates who you are... but how you react to what happens. Obviously his pain is real and justifiable. BUT he CANNOT continue to use that as an excuse for his actions TODAY. He MUST choose healing instead of reliving that day over and over. I understand this is MUCH easier said than done. Time does help wounds heal. They still cause pain at times but it doesn't have to be in constant control of your (our) life. Religion or not... what is always on your mind IS your God. (general speaking and sharing, not actually pointing a finger at you). As a man thinkith, so is he... Thought leads to action. It is SOOO hard to get out of a spiraling mindset.

It is NOT easy to have a good relationship, you are correct. It is heavily impacted by our relationships we had from the day we were born.

Please know... I'm not trying to push the Bible on you... just share my understanding a little. One interesting thing it says... man and woman are to leave their mother and father and cleave to one another. And in ALL the world... I see most animals reach a teen phase where they buck up and venture out on their own... to become their own person/being. To use what skills they were taught but choose their own path/new family... Your partner sounds like an amazing person, who with good support will very likely overcome this. Recovering from burn out, something my husband and I are just starting to... boy can it ever be hard... exhausted, beaten down by life, even JUST breathing takes effort... I remember! And some trauma is like you have been to war. People DON'T come back from war happy and functional. They come back stressed and shell shocked... ducking at every flying thing expecting a bomb. They don't know how to decompress or how to connect with "civilians". They see every relationship as one that can end in tragedy so best to build a wall. Plus they don't wanna share their trauma and have us feel their hurt. Often presented as anger. Everyone will have their own timing and differences. Continuing to provide a safe place without flash bangs or explosions going off all the time keeping the warrior on edge, where their fight or flight system can get a little reprieve should help. But they may still react when a car backfires... it's a natural survival instinct...

Ahh, "family"... what I learned and the movie Ice Age (I think 4) really brought home for me... I had a birth family. My parents are heroin addicts and my brothers and sister followed the path of having their kids taken to foster care. They ALL call when they want something expecting me drop my life and even to choose them over my husband. But they aren't showing LOVE (remember the definition I posted)... If blood is thicker than water... why do they never choose me? With family like that who needs enemies? Well, we can't choose which family we are born into... but we DO choose the family we pursue... As an adult I realize the friends I keep ARE my chosen family! That used to hurt... and it still does a bit. It's hard to realize you lost your mom... even though she is still alive. Chickens have been my recent past drug of choice, and they are working to a degree. They are ONE tool in my box towards recovery. Dogs also really helped a LOT as they are very loyal and don't hide their feelings or fake it.

Listen.. I'm going on and on here... and I'm not trying to not hear what you are saying. I do here you loud and clear is the point I am trying to make. And you are not in this alone even when it feels like it.

He works to grow and change. And not because I tell him to, because he wants it.

That is so awesome! And it really counts. I believe he will have healing and be blessed beyond belief. Sounds like he is trying. I love when people want to be better because THEY want to. (I know it is still a process though, sometimes slow.) You sound like a very smart person, and caring. I hope you both hang in there and grow stronger together. Talking and listening is a great start, HEARING and understanding, possibly even better. Thank you for sharing!

Honestly, if you can get past all the people telling you what to do and how to live (a MAJOR drawback for Christianity)... maybe by realizing they aren't Jesus and may not have a clue... it really does help to have your life/heart filled with the Holy Spirit. I don't care what people say, I care what God says. And my take while just as black and white as many other hypocrites... knows the peace that comes from knowing.. I have been transformed by this world and NOT conformed to it.

I strive to let my life, (chosen) family, and marriage be a living testament to the power of God and His healing. I wish I could share the JOY with everyone. Happiness is fleeting but Joy is everlasting. Trust me, I have NO room to tell you how to live! And according to the Bible most who think they can pluck a splinter from your eye, need to remove the plank from their own first.

 

[Loopeend]

Yes, communication is key!

I am sorry for the struggle you both are facing! I hope the recovery effort for your partner comes along well. When we are burnt out... we don't even have the energy to enjoy the things we love. EVERY thing takes some sort of effort. Even plants will die without "rest"!

It took 40+ years for my husband to START healing from his family trauma... His aunts, uncle's, and grand parents who he was left with in Korea for 2 years at the age of 10 while his mother came to the US and spent the time to immigrate LEGALLY had issue with his father and took it out on him (my hubby) by telling that his mother was never returning for him and one day he came home from school to find them eating his PET dog and laughing about it. Making fun of him for crying. Oh boy the fall out... abandonment issues and others that were stuffed down and surfaced every time we faced difficulty. And I see and feel his pain first hand. I hurt FOR him. I cannot discount how this has effected him... Finally he see's it's not what happens to you that dictates who you are... but how you react to what happens. Obviously his pain is real and justifiable. BUT he CANNOT continue to use that as an excuse for his actions TODAY. He MUST choose healing instead of reliving that day over and over. I understand this is MUCH easier said than done. Time does help wounds heal. They still cause pain at times but it doesn't have to be in constant control of your (our) life. Religion or not... what is always on your mind IS your God. (general speaking and sharing, not actually pointing a finger at you). As a man thinkith, so is he... Thought leads to action. It is SOOO hard to get out of a spiraling mindset.

It is NOT easy to have a good relationship, you are correct. It is heavily impacted by our relationships we had from the day we were born.

Please know... I'm not trying to push the Bible on you... just share my understanding a little. One interesting thing it says... man and woman are to leave their mother and father and cleave to one another. And in ALL the world... I see most animals reach a teen phase where they buck up and venture out on their own... to become their own person/being. To use what skills they were taught but choose their own path/new family... Your partner sounds like an amazing person, who with good support will very likely overcome this. Recovering from burn out, something my husband and I are just starting to... boy can it ever be hard... exhausted, beaten down by life, even JUST breathing takes effort... I remember! And some trauma is like you have been to war. People DON'T come back from war happy and functional. They come back stressed and shell shocked... ducking at every flying thing expecting a bomb. They don't know how to decompress or how to connect with "civilians". They see every relationship as one that can end in tragedy so best to build a wall. Plus they don't wanna share their trauma and have us feel their hurt. Often presented as anger. Everyone will have their own timing and differences. Continuing to provide a safe place without flash bangs or explosions going off all the time keeping the warrior on edge, where their fight or flight system can get a little reprieve should help. But they may still react when a car backfires... it's a natural survival instinct...

Ahh, "family"... what I learned and the movie Ice Age (I think 4) really brought home for me... I had a birth family. My parents are heroin addicts and my brothers and sister followed the path of having their kids taken to foster care. They ALL call when they want something expecting me drop my life and even to choose them over my husband. But they aren't showing LOVE (remember the definition I posted)... If blood is thicker than water... why do they never choose me? With family like that who needs enemies? Well, we can't choose which family we are born into... but we DO choose the family we pursue... As an adult I realize the friends I keep ARE my chosen family! That used to hurt... and it still does a bit. It's hard to realize you lost your mom... even though she is still alive. Chickens have been my recent past drug of choice, and they are working to a degree. They are ONE tool in my box towards recovery. Dogs also really helped a LOT as they are very loyal and don't hide their feelings or fake it.

Listen.. I'm going on and on here... and I'm not trying to not hear what you are saying. I do here you loud and clear is the point I am trying to make. And you are not in this alone even when it feels like it.

That is so awesome! And it really counts. I believe he will have healing and be blessed beyond belief. Sounds like he is trying. I love when people want to be better because THEY want to. (I know it is still a process though, sometimes slow.) You sound like a very smart person, and caring. I hope you both hang in there and grow stronger together. Talking and listening is a great start, HEARING and understanding, possibly even better. Thank you for sharing!

Honestly, if you can get past all the people telling you what to do and how to live (a MAJOR drawback for Christianity)... maybe by realizing they aren't Jesus and may not have a clue... it really does help to have your life/heart filled with the Holy Spirit. I don't care what people say, I care what God says. And my take while just as black and white as many other hypocrites... knows the peace that comes from knowing.. I have been transformed by this world and NOT conformed to it.

I strive to let my life, (chosen) family, and marriage be a living testament to the power of God and His healing. I wish I could share the JOY with everyone. Happiness is fleeting but Joy is everlasting. Trust me, I have NO room to tell you how to live! And according to the Bible most who think they can pluck a splinter from your eye, need to remove the plank from their own first.

I am really not sure how to reply. I want to say so many things. Positive things. I don't feel that you are 'pushing the bible' on me. I keep the option open that I might not have all the knowledge in me. For me it is more important what you think, feel, believe and makes you happy! I don't see the use in making you feel less or small because we don't think the same way; I don't know if Gods excists. I have no more right then any other to say that I know the thruth. Because I technically don't. We all don't.

What I REALLY hate.. that I can't listen to your story.
So many sentences you type I automatically, due to my upbringin, want to say very unfriendly things. It is imbedded in me. Unwilingly.
Not only my upbringing but also the media. You mention Korea and in the back in my mind it is suddenly 'oh Gosh no, not another vietnam veteran story' you mention ice age 4? ''only stupid people like ice age 4' .
I don't want these thoughts. I know that Korea and Vietnam are not the same countries and I only know about vietnam through Hollywood! I have never seen ice age 4...I truely hate how things you are told stick in the back of your mind resulting that I can't listen to you!

I believe that being honest is the thruth. But it is not easy. I believe it has more use to explain to you why I can't understand you, and that this is frustrating for me... and tell you what I like about you then just... like fake saying 'aweome reply?'. That has no soul.

 

[EggSighted4Life]

I believe that being honest is the thruth. But it is not easy. I believe it has more use to explain to you why I can't understand you, and that this is frustrating for me... and tell you what I like about you then just... like fake saying 'aweome reply?'. That has no soul.

Agreed, and I TOTALLY respect that! It's interesting how our previous experiences DO so heavily impact what we are able to comprehend or even be willing to open our ears to. And my mood also plays a major roll... It isn't always the right time. Even when it's something I am interested in!

Feel free to PM if you have any questions or personal stuff you want to chat about knowing I'm NOT your average person, and neither are you. If you need someone to listen and not give advice or just support you some in a less public manner. Someone you aren't worried will judge or twist what you say and WON'T go running to tell anyone else.

Thank you for being honest... it gives ME a chance to grow more as a person and is something I value MUCH more than lip service.

My first impression of Ice Age movies... is tree hugger save the world agenda that I didn't wanna watch... but I'm a big kid in my heart and avoid adult drama like the plague and that ended up not being the point of the movie. There is always some semi hidden message and cartoons tend to deal with things in much gentler way... or at least help to gain understanding, for my inner child... which is where it all began.

I hope you have a great day... no, MAKE it a great day to the best of your ability. I can tell you are still growing into all of who you will be and past the things taught you that are stuck in your head but NOT serving you well! I am too, hope it's OK to call you friend (despite our differences).

 

[Loopeend]

Sorry I have the feeling I haven't told enough.
It is told to me, and keeps getting told, that Americans are stupid, lazy, unhealthy-religious, dumb, fat, narrow-minded and black ór white. With the last sentence I mean that the media tells stuff to me in such a way that you have a really white skin or a really dark skin. Americans with an asian, south-american, mixed, don't excist? I don't believe this. I think I feel great joy en comfort to tell my lifestory on here because;

Dutch people are close-minded people who never express their emotions. I think you know the German jokes about how we don't have humor. And "Dutch' are the same as "Germans'. We are not. But maybe there is a realness in this.
I like talking to people from other countries more. Because maybe we have a problem over here that has to do with not being able to be honest.

God over here made it worse. Not God. The people who said they were acting in the name of God. ww2 is very real for me. I have family members that died, lied to hide, or were making profit of the situation. I got it all. Hitler would NOT have such an audicance (from important people, random jane's and jonh's didn't know anything about it and where tending their farm. the same for slavery) if there was not so much hatered of the church. Why there is so much hate, untill today and ar active courtcases; because a lot of stupid people saw an opporunity to 'in the name of God' abuse children. I don't think I know anyone from 60+ that has not be touched. For real. It was known. It was normal that as parents you send your kids to learn to sing for free and you knew what the trade was...free lessons for touching childrens weeners (y)

I come here for ducks. But I really love and like to hear, read and learn the visions of other people in the world. How people say to me that slavery and ww2 is my fault, because I look white and Dutch, while I was not alive then... but experience as kid it was not fun. I'm Jewish, Arian, Indo (slavery). I don't have anything to say about that my parents ****ed me together. I have nothing to do that one part of the grandparents were Jewish and in time acted that they were Christian. Or the others saw an oppurunity to make money off ww2. And my grandparents met each other, But not really. My grandmother was already pregnant from a dark man and that was not okay and she needed to marry very soon because being pregnant without marriage? With a black man??!!
And know I'm still a nazi. Because I am Dutch.
I don't believe anything anymore untill I hear it from the people that actually live it.

 

[EggSighted4Life]

keeps getting told, that Americans are stupid, lazy, unhealthy-religious, dumb, fat, narrow-minded and black ór white.

Some are... not all... like any race.

I've been excited seeing your Dutch location... my father in LOVE, who married my husbands Korean mother is Dutch! Both happy, and successful, not at all fat or stupid Americans. He was raised in Holland and has shared much about how the church behaved. What you say is TRUE it's appalling what man does "in the name of God". Though I love the Lord, I do not attend (or identify with) a church currently. To me all the Earth is His house and He is with me everywhere.

It's great that we can choose to move past the ignorance we we were taught.

And know I'm still a nazi. Because I am Dutch.

I guess this goes over my head. Maybe something I am uninformed about. But I don't care about labels other people make up and nor do I take ownership of them. Yes, I currently reside in the US and am an American citizen. But my heritage is Scotch Irish and as far as I know most people in America are NOT native American and all came from somewhere else. We are a melting pot. It has both pluses and minuses.

If you take ownership and believe yourself a Nazi... that's just sad. People are people no matter their heritage. I was raised as prejudice as possible. But LOVE knows color is only skin deep. And maturity knows my parents were fools!

It's Ok for Jews to follow Christ. Again Jewish is heritage. Even Jesus was a Jew! AND... slavery was around at the time of Jesus... you know you weren't responsible.

The only Dutch stereotype I know of that they are penny pinchers or tight wads. So am I! I feel like close mindedness is partly about a generation... the older folks seem to be a lot more close minded.

Oh well.... I strive to do better than my ancestors. To be a better parent. My children, got a much different start in life and were taught to think for themselves... not to think my thoughts. In fact, both my adult children don't plan on bringing children into this world. As they have the knowledge that it won't support an unlimited population, But also because they are aware of genetic deficits... meaning my husband and daughter both have poor eyesight. And diabetes does run in our family. Both our mothers had breast cancer, and my Dutch father in Love has had colon cancer 3 times already. His mother died from cancer as well. Sounds to me like some pretty smart kids that have forethought about what they will inflict on another human. Slightly sad, as I hope to be a grandparent one day. But a decision I can respect! Maybe they will choose to adopt... which is a worthy challenge and maybe even close to my heart since I hated being a foster kid.

I come here for chickens. But have received so much more than that in personal growth and friendship! I hope the scales will continue to drop away from your eyes and the world will become a bigger and brighter place, that you and your partner will continue to recover from the hurts you've had and grow rich in Love together. Look for and focus on the good (just like you did already when you replied back there to me).

 

[Patrick Murphy]

After reading all this and remembering again my marriage history, I'm very glad that everything turned out that way, but now I am alone and enjoy it

 

[drumstick diva]

I would love to meet a good man but, I am 72 now. Haven't found any in all this time. I am Jewish. My grandparents were orthodox my parents were not. I never received any religous training. By Jewish law, if your mother is Jewish, you ARE Jewish. You know who the mother is but, you don't always know the father.

I have a son 34, who says he doesn't believe in G-D (Jews have to write his name that way). I told him when he really needs G-D. he will believe in him. G-D has given me extra lives when I was young and foolish. So I expect I will pay him back when the angel of death comes for me.