husband being shipped out with marines

[ruth]

Becky89* :

I don't know how else to keep busy, I have a job as a writer for the local paper but that job ends at noon everyday. Since I got pregnant Josh hasn't wanted me to clean or cook my own meals. He asked his best friend and my best friend to do it for me, Trisha and Kirt are a cute pair!!!

Oh my gosh hon, you are 18 years old, at the peak of your physical condition - you should be capable of not only cooking and cleaning for yourself - you sould be able to plow the fields.

Point is, stop being the frail victim that needs Josh at home or others to take care of you and protect you. Look down - see those two feet (at least before you get too big to see them

) now look up and ask God to give you the strength to start standing on your own two feet. No more victim to abusive father, no more needing others to do basic tasks for you.

If you don't need the money a full-time job would bring in then volunteer somewhere. By helping others you will gain a feeling of self-worth that I sense may be lacking.

When you talk to Josh he needs to hear how you are staying busy, active in church and prayer groups, visiting with friends he knows and trusts, volunteering, etc. He doesn't need to worry that you are wasting away without him.

As I mentioned, my son served in Iraq and the men that had the hardest time were the ones whose wives were out running around, partying, whereabouts always unknown, who didn't work and yet could never account for where they were. If you work full time then Josh will know where you are every day - same if you volunteer somewhere or have a regular ladies prayer group day. Please don't think I or any of the others who tell you this are accusing you of being unfaithful, we are tyring to explain how the deployed soldier's mind works - they are either worrying about the frail and fragile mom or wife left at home who is a basket case or they are worrying about the wives who don't have any accountability. My son had a man in his troop that had special permission to call his mom every day, starting in boot camp, because she was under a doctors care for a nervous condition over his joining the Army and was so worried that he somehow got special permission to make these phone calls when the other men were not allowed any calls home. Let me tell you, it did not make him special to his troop - just the opposite - they hated him.

So please, hon, stop with the poor, pitiful you stories. If you are telling them to us, I'm sure Josh has heard enough of them. You are the wife of a deployed Marine and it's time to start acting like one - which means being STRONG. Others have suggested that you get in touch with the services offered military wives and I strongly urge you to do that. You need the support and encouragement they offer.

By the way, I too married young and had three children in a row. I too was from an abusive household and had to start taking care of myself at 13. If I can do it, you can too.

May God bless you in every way.

Monique​

 

[cat]

I have to agree with Ruth, I married a soldier 22 years ago, he is deployed in Iraq right now. Its time to woman-up honey or you are never going to make your marriage work or stay sane.

Right now your husband needs to be concentrating on staying safe, not worrying about his fragile wife, so do him a favour and tell him how great you are doing and how well you are coping, even if you have to fake it till you make it!

I had my daughter at 19 and despite all the people who thought I was too young, wouldn't cope etc, I did just fine, and I was living alone in Germany, not speaking the language, with no family to help me, whilst my husband was in the Gulf the first time! so i speak from experience when i say, it will get easier!

Army life can be great but it is certainly hard and there are lots of times you are going to be alone, so get used to it. You can do this, its like everything else in life, hard at first but gets easier with repetition. and you always have us crazy chicken people to talk to

 

[Wildsky]

I bet a fun thing to do would be to join an excersize group, or walking group. You need a lot of strength for birth and baby!

I agree with Ruth, you can't sit around and let others do the basics - when baby comes you'll be SHOCKED and just collapse from the sudden amount of work and it will be really hard to deal with - start now, if there is no medical conditions - get fit! stay fit, do all your household chores and then some, volunteer as was said earlier.....
Animals shelters, homes for the elderly......

 

[Becky89*]

I do the basics I do them all the time its just that Josh wanted to Pamper me and everything and I was almost put on bed rest a couple months ago because of an issue I don't want to talk about. I can stand up for myself trust me I don't care what my nerologist said I honestly don't think he knows what I deal with everyday.

I already volenteer at the local library and I work there every wednesday from 9 30am to 2pm.

with my parents divorce and my sister always calling to take her places I honestly don't have time for a full time job and starting next week I have asked my aunt if my little eight year old cousin can hang out with me. My sis and my friend Trisha have both agreed to get me out more, we are going to the drive in tomorrow night as a matter of fact

I have picked my head up a lot these past two days and I am sorry if I may have hurt anyone with my words but this baby and his father mean a lot to me. I almost lost the baby my second month of being prego and I am very very protective when it comes to my family.

 

[Tailfeathers]

Becky, you're getting a plethora of sound, sage advice. I won't add any more at this time except to say that Ruth (Monique) gave some great advice from a woman's perspective that you should accept and apply as best you can.

From a man's perspective, there's always a part of us that wants our women to be dependant on us - but when we're over there or in some other way separated from our wives and kids, we want to know that they can handle themselves while we're gone. It gives us great piece of mind to know that our women can do whatever they need to do to at least handle situations that might come up until we can get home and take care of them again.

Finally, know this... while there is pain, heartache, trepidation, and perhaps fear in the trial you are going through, God is doing a miraculous work through all this in you, Josh, your marriage and even your soon-to-be child. There is sooooooo much good that can come out of this time if you focus on that and not the other.

When I was deployed and away from my family, I read more books, went to more Bible Studies, read the Bible for up to two hours every night, watched more Promise Keeper/Focus On The Family/etc. videos and a host of other stuff during those six-months than I ever did or do now. I had time then for things that I just haven't made time for now that I'm home everyday and night.

Take this opportunity to do the same. You've got a baby coming. Spend time reading books, watching videos, going to some classes, whatever. Take some courses in how to raise a baby and child (I'd highly recommend "Growing Kids God's Way"!!). Shucks, none of us was born with the know-how for that and I'd be the first to admit I made a BUNCH of mistakes in raising my kids. Had I only known all that was out there. Focus On The Family and Family Life Today are to great resources that I'd strongly recommend as a starting point.

Don't waste this precious time you have by wallowing in what's not there. There is so much out there today for young folks like y'all that we didn't have at our disposal. Make the best of it. Put into practice Ruth's suggestions and at the same time you're helping yourself, you will also be helping Josh!

God Bless,

 

[Becky89*]

I go to a baby course every Tuesday night and I have been reading a lot more books then what I usually do ( Thanks Tailfeathers) I usually read two books a week but I have been reading three or four depending on my work schedule. I've been taking on other peoples tasks at the newspaper inorder to keep busy. I GOT THE BEST PHONE CALL IN THE WORLD LAST NIGHT!!! JOSH CALLED!!!! he's on a ship headed over to Iraq. I was as strong as I could be and he called me his hero

He said how proud he is of me and that he he's going to try everything in his power to be here for the birth of our baby. I told him word for word what the doctors told me and they think they might have to take the baby by C-section cause of my shunt and the fact that my little one's head isn't in the right spot. If I were to have him tomorrow he'd come out the wrong way. The doctor wants to set me up for an acupuncture (sp) appointment, because I guess its suppose to help and it will turn the baby around.

 

[Wildsky]

I had acupuncture and "moxi bustion" treatment to turn my baby (I have it on Video - I was filmed for a discovery channel show)- I also lay around with my bottom higher than my head for a few minutes a couple of times a day.

Good luck!

 

[Becky89*]

Quote:
Does the whole Buttom higher than head thing work, or were you kidding? I am afraid of needles and I really don't want to do the acupuncture thing but if its the only way I'll do it for my little one.

 

[arlee453]

Edited to add...I went back to look - your OP says you are about 4 months. It's WAAAYYYY too early to be concerned about breech/vertex at this point...most babies are flipping up, down and all around in there at that point. Still the pelvic rocking and chest/knee exercises can help encourage your baby to get in a good position for labor - you can start doing those now, physical condition allowing. A baby in good position for labor leads to a much easier and less painful labor! See:

www.spinningbabies.com

How many weeks are you? I was thinking you were only about 5 or 6 months along but I may be mis-remembering that. If so, it's perfectly normal for a baby to be head up or head down or head to the side at that point in pregnancy. It has no significance that early on.

The baby won't settle into a fixed position usually until 34 weeks or later. Only 4-5% of babies are still head up when labor begins. I tell my students not to worry if the baby is breech until 36 weeks. I've also had students KNOW they had a vertex baby (head down, confirmed by ulstrasound a very short time before labor began) and get all the way through labor only to find the baby has flipped by the time it's time for pushing - so babies can and DO flip even after 36 wks - it's just more unusual.

Since I teach natural childbirth and tips to avoid unnecessary c-sections, I tell them NOT to schedule a c-section for breech baby if at all possible (and if that is the ONLY concern), but to wait until labor begins, then ask for an ultrasound to confirm position before agreeing to the surgery.

The risks of delivering a breech baby in a 'good' breech position, like Frank breech - when both legs are folded up towards the head and the buttocks are presenting first - are only very slightly elevated as compared to a vertex delivery. Unfortunately, they no longer train OBs to deliver breeches vaginally in school - they are trained to cut sections every time. Around here, there are only a very small number of OBs willing to attempt a vaginal breech - mainly because the've never seen one done and don't know what to do - they were just told to cut sections. Those OBs that are willing to catch a breech are usually older docs who were trained before the 80s.

Now for my tips...of course, if you have a medical condition that doesn't allow you to get in these positions, be sure to ask your Doc or use your own discretion...

Best think you can do to encourage the baby to flip into a head down position is to get in a chest-knee position. Get a good comfy pillow. Get on your hands and knees and then lower your arms out to the sides so you are resting on your chest and knees with your bottom up in the air. HOLD THAT POSITION for at least 25-30 min or as long as you can stand it. Eating something surgary before you start can get the baby more active and encourage him/her to move.

Pelvic rocking can be good too - get in hands and knees position and SLOWWWLLLY raise up the back like a cat arching your back - isolate the movement between the belly and bottom...your shoulders should be very still. Then relax your back and let your back sag downward. Use your muscles to control the movement into the downward position and then relax fully for a moment. Do 20 in the morning, afternoon and evening - increase to 40 per session for a total of 120 per day - this will help encourage good fetal position, strengthen the back, belly and bottom and help prepare and build staminia for later pregnancy and labor.

Moxibustion involves positioning yourself in a head lower than bottom position while burning a big ole incense stick held between the toes. There are other positions used too... Personally I don't believe the incense has anything to do with it - it's requiring the mom to stay in the position for as long as it takes to burn down the incense that encourages the baby to turn.

Chiropractic care can help - there is a techinque called 'Webster' that is meant to help turn babies, and get them in good alignment for labor. Be sure to call around and find a DC that if trained in the Webster and has had good success with it, and has experience treating pregnant women.

There is also something called an 'external version' that is done by an OB that involves manipulating the baby externally to get the baby to turn head down. It's usually done after 36 wks, and with ultrasound guidance can be effective if you have an OB that has good success rates.

There are a lot of good tips and information about turning babieson the website below. Be sure to consider any pre-existing medical conditions, obviously, before assuming any odd position, etc.
http://mother-care.ca/breech.htm

And yes, I'm a professional, certified childbirth educator...

 

[ruth]

Thanks Arlee for your informative post. I'm so glad someone "in the know" posted because I too thought "almost four months" pregnant is way too soon for a doctor to be telling someone they needed a C-Section, baby's head not in right spot, needed acupunture to help turn the baby.

Becky - When you posted on the 15th you said you were "almost four months" meaning three months plus??? Like Arlee posted, that's way too soon for a doctor to be scaring you this way. Maybe he's one of those doctors that likes to give you every scenario, good and bad, that can happen in a pregnancy, and in your "condtion" (as they used to call it), you picked up on the worse. Please try and not worry so much. I know it's hard but worrying will drive you crazy and won't accomplish anything good. My signature line is from Matthew where Jesus talked about not worrying.

I hate to say it, but please don't get your hopes up that Josh will be there for the birth - he won't unless there is some miraculous change in military policy - won't matter if you have a C-section or not. It's best to accept that and move on. Though sad, you won't be the first or the last military wife to give birth while the father is deployed. They also are not going to tell him how long he will be gone and even if they do, it's not worth the paper it's not written on

(Now all you military folk know that's true.)

I'm talking to you as I have to my own daughters who are now 27 and 28. My oldest daughter is highly paid therapist who works for a posh treatment facility "resort" for women where it's usually a 3 month committment at $90,000 cash (no insurance) so it's for the rich and famous. I'm going to save you three months treatment at one of the best facilities and give you her $90,000 advice which she learned growing up with me - it's a really hard phrase to swallow at first and is not meant to be cruel - here goes......."Get over it" Doesn't matter what "it" is - get over it and move on - stop letting "it" control your life, make you a victim, cripple you in any way. She travels and speaks to young women and tells them they do have worth and they can do it on their own - they just have to stop saying "I can't" and to stop blaming parents, the man in their life, whoever.

I know what I say is hard to listen to - believe me my daughters have told me often enough. But when it comes right down to it, in order to be a well balanced woman, you have to have your own interests (aside and apart from your husband), you have to be able to stand on your own two feet, you have to believe you can do it and that you have worth.

You posted that you can't work full-time because of your parents divorce and the fact your sister calls all the time - those aren't reasons to adjust your life around - those are issues THEY need to work on. You need to focus on yourself, your deployed husband and your marriage and your unborn child.

I read on another thread that you were once a rodeo riding barrel-racer. How very brave of you - now that's something I would be way too scared to ever think about trying. I read also that you were thrown once and have never ridden again because it scared you too much. Life is that way - Life is a horse that throws us on a daily basis and in ways we never deserved or saw coming - but we always, always, have to look that horse square in the eyes and get back on.

All love and motherly concern for you Becky, take care. If you ever want to talk, you can PM me. I would also be happy to give you my daughter's cell phone number and she would be happy to talk to you free of charge. She considers it her mission and calling in life to reach out to young women.

Monique