Ok, let me rant I need to because I really am moody today. And Im irritable!! And tired........and well I just feel frustrated!
All through my life I have always been friendly to people. Im not social and some of the things I say...well they come out sounding just downright wrong and in my head there are these little red alarm lights going off, but my mouth just keeps on going. I have tried so hard to be myself and make friends but sometimes it feels as though myself is my worst enemy.
For example. I join a forum, for art, taxidermy, one for the brand of my car, even here. I try to be social, or helpful, or friendly and it always seems I hit a wall. I doubt that its intentional on the part of the people I meet, but sometimes I really wonder if what Im saying is really boring, or somehow I put people off. And if I do, I would love to get rid of it so that I can be normal. I have always felt like the hen at the bottom of the pecking order when it comes to people.
I very awkward. I see people who have had a hard time, or lost a nice bird, or had a birthday or are really happy about something, and I find it hard to express my feelings of sympathy or enthusiasm because I dont want to look ingenuine. At the same time though, I do feel for people and I want to say "congrats" or "Im sorry" but I do nothing because I dont want to look like someone kissing up/brown nosing for popularity points. If I am to say something I want the people who I speak to to know that I really do care. But I dont know how to do it.
Heck, in real life I meet people and I get the impression they are trying to avoid me. I dont chase people or hover, but I do get really nervous when people talk to me so I tend to talk either fast or babble a bit. My humor too might be beyond them. I am so lucky I found a man, like my DH who actually understands me and really enjoys my company. But is there really only one person in the whole world who can actually stand me? Am I that obnoxious or rude or WHAT??
I volunteer at the local school and when a teacher comes in, I say HI, they smile and hurry out, but later I'll walk in and see two of them talking and chatting, and when they see me they get quiet. I talk about the weather, they act polite and leave quickly. (no I dont have an offensive odor) Ive been up there since February and I still feel like a total stranger.
When i moved here, I met my husbands aunt who is in her upper 70s. Everyone seems to see her as "off" or strange. Ive known her a year now and though she is really poor, she really is great. She and I get together and bake and sit out front of her house and watch the cars go by. I enjoy her company, and yes she is eccentric, but she is really nice. We get along and we have some good laughs. I sometimes mention to other people about her and I doing stuff and the look they give me is clearly "you talk to her?!"
I dont know how to express myself well at all.
Anyway...I guess Ive been under a bit of stress and I just need to get a lot of frustration and feelings off my chest.
Im not an emotional person....just residual pms striking me...after the fact...kinda late in the schedule.
But I just feel like
If my ravings and ramblings make no sense, i apologise. My head is a mixed bag o scrambled thoughts.....its hard to put into words exactly what Im trying to say or how I feel.
All through my life I have always been friendly to people. Im not social and some of the things I say...well they come out sounding just downright wrong and in my head there are these little red alarm lights going off, but my mouth just keeps on going. I have tried so hard to be myself and make friends but sometimes it feels as though myself is my worst enemy.
For example. I join a forum, for art, taxidermy, one for the brand of my car, even here. I try to be social, or helpful, or friendly and it always seems I hit a wall. I doubt that its intentional on the part of the people I meet, but sometimes I really wonder if what Im saying is really boring, or somehow I put people off. And if I do, I would love to get rid of it so that I can be normal. I have always felt like the hen at the bottom of the pecking order when it comes to people.
I very awkward. I see people who have had a hard time, or lost a nice bird, or had a birthday or are really happy about something, and I find it hard to express my feelings of sympathy or enthusiasm because I dont want to look ingenuine. At the same time though, I do feel for people and I want to say "congrats" or "Im sorry" but I do nothing because I dont want to look like someone kissing up/brown nosing for popularity points. If I am to say something I want the people who I speak to to know that I really do care. But I dont know how to do it.
Heck, in real life I meet people and I get the impression they are trying to avoid me. I dont chase people or hover, but I do get really nervous when people talk to me so I tend to talk either fast or babble a bit. My humor too might be beyond them. I am so lucky I found a man, like my DH who actually understands me and really enjoys my company. But is there really only one person in the whole world who can actually stand me? Am I that obnoxious or rude or WHAT??
I volunteer at the local school and when a teacher comes in, I say HI, they smile and hurry out, but later I'll walk in and see two of them talking and chatting, and when they see me they get quiet. I talk about the weather, they act polite and leave quickly. (no I dont have an offensive odor) Ive been up there since February and I still feel like a total stranger.
When i moved here, I met my husbands aunt who is in her upper 70s. Everyone seems to see her as "off" or strange. Ive known her a year now and though she is really poor, she really is great. She and I get together and bake and sit out front of her house and watch the cars go by. I enjoy her company, and yes she is eccentric, but she is really nice. We get along and we have some good laughs. I sometimes mention to other people about her and I doing stuff and the look they give me is clearly "you talk to her?!"
I dont know how to express myself well at all.
Anyway...I guess Ive been under a bit of stress and I just need to get a lot of frustration and feelings off my chest.
Im not an emotional person....just residual pms striking me...after the fact...kinda late in the schedule.
But I just feel like
If my ravings and ramblings make no sense, i apologise. My head is a mixed bag o scrambled thoughts.....its hard to put into words exactly what Im trying to say or how I feel.
