I have a question about adult step kids.

[tntblake]

I'm on both sides of the fence. I do not think I would appreciate my young children calling someone else mom. As adults, it is up to them to decide how it will be. On the other side of the coin, I have a step daughter that I have raised since she was 10 and she is now 21. We had full custody. She calls me by my first name to my face but refers to me as her mom or step mom depending on the situation.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

I have four step kids. As far as I am concerned, they are as much my kids as are the ones I gave birth to. Yes, they have a great mom, and a great relationship with her. That does not negate their relationship with me. The relationsip between their mom & stepdad and their father & I is quite cordial. None have ever called me mom, but their children call me grandma. Depending on the situation I may introduce them as my stepson/daughter or simply as my son/daughter.

Every situation is unique and different, and if your kids (step that they are) are fine with you referring to them as your kids, then that is all that matters.

 

[acid_chipmunk]

I am an adult step-kid. I haven't read all the responses, but need to comment.

I would feel hurt if my step-mom didn't think of me as her kid. Yes, I get along great with my mom and she is always there for me, but I know my step-mom would be too. My mom doesn't mind that my step-mom thinks of me as her daughter, because she knows no matter what, SHE is still my real mom and nothing can change that.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Thank you for that! I have talked with the kids and they are all fine with it.

I appreciate all the different responses from everyone too. It helps give me a better perspective. While I will never like this woman, I won't disrespect her. She is not even my FB friend!!!! I had to block her so the kids didn't have to calm her down all the time.

I feel I need to make this point too. Since Ken and I met almost 4 years ago, I have MAYBE spent 4 hours around this gal. I was always nice to her, why NOT be? She chose to dislike me.

My son's stepmother always called him her son and it never bothered me. I feel it just shows there is love for the child there, and why would I not want that?

 

[debilorrah]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

Quote:
The only issue I have with this point of view is that when you refer to a child as a step you separate them from other kids. I have raised foster kids that I got when they were in their late teens. When I am referring to them in some settings I make it clear that they're fosters. But, if they can hear me I refer to them as my kids and say I have 4 kids. The evolution of that evolved with the relationship both with them and them with my bio kids. DH and I have two kids who are very young. Our relationship with our fosters is VERY convoluted. It is hard to explain even here how these youngsters came into our lives and why we took them in. So, I let them take the lead in how they refer to me and DH.

I agree with this 100%. My own son, whom they refer to as their brother, is the same age as Kenny, and to call Kenny a step son, especially when he was 17 and still living here with us, I felt separated him away from the family, and I know step families are hard enough.

When Kenny tried to commit suicide, my son was the only one he wanted to talk to for days on end. They are brothers no matter what anyone else says.

I am over it now. Irritated last night, and I needed perspective. Thank you everyone!​

 

[zippitydooda]

I didn't read all the posts, so if I'm repeating...forgive me.

I have 3 bio kids and 5 step kids (all but the last bio kid is an adult). IMO, any time ANYONE loves any of my offspring, or those of my husband, I consider it a blessing.

There is too much hate, anger and bitterness in the world. I am PROUD that all my kids (yes, including the step in there) are the kind of people that others can love and appreciate.

If the bio mom has a problem with YOU loving her/your kids.....that is HER problem. She will either get over it or not.... you can't stop your heart from loving them, so why should you hide it? To protect a person that doesn't give a flying hoot about YOUR feelings.? Sheesh....she needs to find something important to focus on. If that is the worst thing she has going on in her life, she is very fortunate.

Keep loving 'em..... and shout it to the world!

 

[SarahBeth9394]

I would absolutely have a problem with another woman refering to my children as "my kids" when referring to them. If my hubby and I divorced tomorrow and 4 years down the line he had a live in girlfriend calling them her kids I'd flip (my oldest are 17 and 18 now so it would be close to what your situation is). Firstly I'd be upset because I birthed and raised the kids and would feel disrespected and a bit belittled if someone else called themselves "mom" to my kids. I'm also a big believer in marriage and what it signifies so I would have a problem with someone not married to my hypothetical ex calling the adult children her step children as well. I also wouldn't be at all keen on her calling my grandchildren when they came her granchildren. However if the hypothetical ex married the girlfriend the kids would be "our kids" meaning my kids, his kids, and her stepkids. And if she loved them the way deb loves Ken's kids then that would be about as good as it gets.

That being said deb we know you love Ken and his kids; you've been through alot with them and have bonded with them as a blended family would. You are Ken's partner in life. You've made a home and a life together. You live as if you are married. Heck I didn't even realize that you hadn't gotten married yet. I would even be inclined to say "just go get married already". But that is because I am a big on commitment and how marriage signifies it.

Now this is just my very honest opinion and I'd like to follow it up by saying that over the years I've posted back and forth with deb, I've lurked and not posted for a long while as well. But I do feel that I can state that without a doubt she is a good person with a great heart.

 

[Julie08]

My step kids are 29, 25 25 and 22....... I have been with their father for 20 years. I tell people I have four step kids and 1 homemade. Never call the steps my kids. However I do call the 9.5 grandkids my grandkids. I am their grandmother I am married to their grandfather. I was married to their grandfather before they were born.

edited to add....... They have never called me Mom either.

 

[TigerLilly]

Debi, the way I look at it is if the adults are all MATURE enough to be thankful what each has brought to the table & the kids are grown, it's the grown kids' decision as to who gets called what!
When my oldest son would tell me that his Daddy had a new girlfriend, I would ask if I could meet her. Most of them I didn't like (partially because I wasn't that mature yet, partially because they were party girls), but the one I did, I took the time to get to know...her son spent the night with us, my son spent the night with them. It almost broke my heart when Daddy & her split up! She was good for with son--that's all that I cared about.
Now, years before when I remaried, we didn't want DS1 (age 4 or 5) calling my husband by his name, so we let him come up with a name. He chose Pap. That 'boy' is now 28, still calls him Pap, sometimes calls him more than he calls me, and has told BOTH of us on numerous ocassions that Pap was more of a dad to him than his own father was. Daddy was too busy partying then, he's calmed down a lot & is in constant contact with his son. When this son got married a couple of years ago, Daddy & I did our thing as mother & father of the groom (being introduced as such), but Pap was on the groomsmen. Honestly, we are ALL just one big, happy family.
Did I ramble too much? Sorry...point is, we do what's good for the kids, no matter how old they are. And now that they're adults it's nice to see that they are their own person/people. Don't worry about the heifer with the problems--let HER deal with them. I, for one, am proud that other people love my children enough to want to call them their own.
Besides, ANYone can be a mother or father, but it takes someone special to be a

Mom/Mama, Dad/Pap/Pop.

You get the picture.

 

[teach1rusl]

I think your husband's ex must be very insecure...

The only thing I ever worried about with any of my son's step mothers (because there was more than one...lol

) was that they treated my son fairly. If they treated him as one of their own (and one nice lady DID) it meant more to me. If they'd told me or others that they considered my son as their own children, it would have meant the world to me.