I have a question about adult step kids.

[jtbrown]

I am in a similar, but different situation as the adult stepchild. My father remarried while I was in my early thirties after my mother passed away a few years earlier. My brother and I were both excited to see him move on, date, etc., as we felt he was young at 50 and deserved to have another partner in life. We know he loved our mom dearly, and was devistated when she died, but he didn't die with her and we wanted him to be happy.

He married a lady in our small town, I went to school with her son, my brother went to school with her daughter, we all got along well in high school, and continued into early adulthood. My brother and I as well as my mother's mother and her children were all very pleased when they got together.

She refers to us as her kids, and my children as her grandchildren. Sometimes I hear her say, they are Howard's children if it is someone to whom it makes a difference. But point is, she loves us, we love her, we loved our mother, and my mother knew her. It is not odd, we are not offended. My kids never met my mom, but are aware that Nana married Papaw after my "real" mom died. They know of my mom, we have pictures, we talk openly. Regardless of a situation, if the marriage didn't work, or a partner died, we should all be greatful that a new family is formed in place of an old one. I know it is different than divorce, but, at the same time, it is not. I am honored to be a part of her family (I think she should be honored to be a part of ours ). Maybe "polyanna"thinking, but it's what we've got, life is too short to think otherwise.

 

[ebwy2]

I left home and married before my mother re-married. her husband is not in any sort of father-type role in my life and never has been. I refer to him as "my mother's husband" and very quickly correct anyone who dares call him my dad.

legally, I know he's my step-father, but he isn't in a position to deserve that title.

 

[#1California Chick]

Quote:
I am the mother of three adopted daughters. I told them and their birth families my simple belief: You can NEVER have TOO many people who love you!!! I have been open (now that they are adults) to their spending time with their birth families (and I finance the trips). As far as I am concerned there is NO downside. I am happy to share my daughters with other people who love them!

I have also thought about what I would call "step" children if I remarried. My thought -- "Bonus Daughters" and "Bonus Sons". "Step" has such a negative feel. But who could be unhappy to be a "BONUS" child!!!!

Cindy

 

[nuchickontheblock]

Congrats on the new grand babies. Enjoy!

Step-parenting can be a mine field! It all depends on the situation and the people involved. I raised my ex-husband's 4 sons from his first marriage for 15 years, from the time they were 3, 4, 5, & 7 (I was 25 at the time!). Their mother wasn't able to care for them, but would go totally ballistic if they ever called me mom. My ex and I also had a daughter together. Although the boys called me by my first name growing up, to their friends, teachers, etc they referred to me and introduced me as their mother. They also considered their sister to be their sister, never their half sister. As adults they are still pretty close, considering there is often geographical distance between them. We had a relatively "normal" family until the s--t head husband had an affair with another women and the youngest boy graduated from HS. The boys still consider me their mother or step mom if they need to clarify related to their birth mother. Their father's current wife (the bimbo he had an affair with) is their "father's wife", although on FB she put them as her sons and daughter. That frosted me a bit when I saw that, but I will admit that over the past 20+ years she has tried to be good to them!

I have co-parented with their father, and his first and third wives when there have been events concerning "our" children. Those have included bridal showers, weddings, grandchildren's births, birthdays, and unfortunately a grandchild's funeral as well. Sometimes it is a bit stressful, but we try to be adult about it and keep any jealousy and bad feelings tucked out of sight. The Kids are all adults in their 40's now and they have children of their own. They now know how hard it is to be a parent and appreciate my taking on 4 kids who weren't mine by birth. I was far from a perfect parent, but now that they see what it's like, they have pretty much forgiven me for any "not so perfect" moments when they were kids. One of my sons is also a step parent, so he really gets it and gives me extra hugs when he sees me. For the past 38 years, when people asked me if I had kids, I would say I "raised" 5 kids. That was the truth. Sometimes, depending on the situation, I'd add that they weren't all mine by birth, but they were all mine. That also was the truth.

Between my 5 children, I consider that I have 15 grandkids. That includes my stepson's step children. They all consider me their grandmother and gratefully there is lots of love to go around. Except for my daughter's children; the other grand kids who are old enough to understand the complexities of family relationships, know that I am not a blood relative. But it doesn't really matter. It's what's in your heart and your actions that count.

Just go ahead and love those grand babies to bits!!

 

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:
The only issue I have with this point of view is that when you refer to a child as a step you separate them from other kids. I have raised foster kids that I got when they were in their late teens. When I am referring to them in some settings I make it clear that they're fosters. But, if they can hear me I refer to them as my kids and say I have 4 kids. The evolution of that evolved with the relationship both with them and them with my bio kids. DH and I have two kids who are very young. Our relationship with our fosters is VERY convoluted. It is hard to explain even here how these youngsters came into our lives and why we took them in. So, I let them take the lead in how they refer to me and DH.

I agree with this 100%. My own son, whom they refer to as their brother, is the same age as Kenny, and to call Kenny a step son, especially when he was 17 and still living here with us, I felt separated him away from the family, and I know step families are hard enough.

When Kenny tried to commit suicide, my son was the only one he wanted to talk to for days on end. They are brothers no matter what anyone else says.

I am over it now. Irritated last night, and I needed perspective. Thank you everyone!

I know your a wonderful person, or this wouldn't bother you. You wouldn't think twice about how or why she felt the way she did. Honestly, I think she is jealous, and maybe all of it doesn't stem from you loving the kids, but you loving their father and him loving you

I would avoid her if possible, she will only taint your relationship with the kids. The kids love you, and you love them. My husband's ex caused me the same trouble because she wants my husband back and saw the perfect opportunity to destroy my relationship with the kids, so they would despise me and make my life hard. Your kiddos are old enough and wise enough that she will not accomplish much.

 

[laseterlass]

As long as they are OK with it and you were not messing with him when he was married to her. Its all good.

 

[xchairity_casex]

when my sisters ex got a new girlfreind she was going all over town claiming that my nephew was her own she even told the story of his birth when she was ehhem just 14 years old!!!! my sister was furious becuase one day she took shane (her son) into the grocery store where a women walked up tp him and said "hi shane wheres your momma?" my sister looked at ehr and said "IM his mother" the girl looked puzzled and said "uh no i htink i know who is mom is"
my sister getting ready to pound this women "said obviously you DONT becuase this is MY son i carried him for 9 months and went thru hell delivering him"
while the women says "well _______ told me all about how when she was 14 she had him and how rough it was on her" with a smug smile so my sister lifted her shirt up and said "do you see those F%^$ing stretch marks?!" the women freaked and left needless to say seh had a real "talking to" with her xs new girlfreind ok she had more then jsut a talking to.

and when i was 13 my dad got remarried without eve ntelling me or my sister we had never met this women before and were quite hurt that we had not even been invited to the wedding (wereas HER kids were apart of the wedding) we of coarse got over it as we moved 900 miles away from them and they were out of our lives never spoke never sent pictures or letters nothing then one day 3 years donw the raod my dad shows up with his new wife and her 10 year old son meeting this women for the first time she was nice but a little bit insane she insisted we call her "mom" right in front of our mom! after they went back home we got a letter a few weeks later were she wrote to us "i jsut love you girls so much i think of you as my own children send me a picture of you both and ill photoshop it onto or vacation picture so its as if we went on vaction together"
we knew this women for 3 days! we didnt talk again for about a year when my moms dad died and we went down to the funeral mom thought i should go see my dad while we were there so i did they took me to there church were his wife proceeded to introduce me as HER daughter and even bought me a matching blue shirt that said "lovely daughter" and hers said "precious mother" i could not WAIT to get away from that insane women!! you might think well maybe seh wanted a daughter well guess waht she already has a daughter of her own!
this women is jsut plain crazy and thankfully i have not heard from either her or my dad since then!

 

[eenie114]

I'll stick my finger in the pie, though not as a parent, as a kid who has had to deal with parents who aren't but are, and parent's who are but aren't.

When my mom married my stepdad, I took it upon myself to add the new last name to my string. It was how I coped. I had two last names. This is my first dad, and this is my second dad. For the first while I called my stepdad David until I got used to the idea, then he was Dad, no questions asked.
WELLLL.... First dad had an issue with that.

My little five-year-old self drew a picture and hung it on the fridge with letter magnets. I chose magnets with my initials, there were four magnets.... We had a talk. I still have two last names, and don't give a dang. David is still Dad, you can just TRY and tell me he's not.

My first stepmom I started calling "Mom" right away, as I was very young. I had already adjusted to the idea of two dads, why not two moms? However, stepmom#1 wasn't comfortable with that, so we settled on Momma.... No issues. She was my mother.

Now stepmom#2 showed up when I was nine. I'm sorry, it's too late for any more parents. You can't be my parent unless you have been my PARENT, if that makes sense. David and stepmom#1 were there through all the craziness of me being a little kid. Stepmom#2 is not my mom, she is Denise. Very nice person, and I do love her, but it's too late for her to be a mom to me.

All of this to say that biology has very little to do with being somebody's parent, IMHO. If you are everything a mom should be to them, you are and have every right to be 'mom' and consider them your kids. Genes don't mean a thing when it comes to love. If I were you I would honestly ask them what they would prefer. Stepmom#1 gave me the option of calling her Mel or Momma., and I chose Momma. Denise gave me that option, too... I chose Denise.
Let them decide, and if she gives you heck, just say, "It's what they want and they're adults, so it's not your decision anymore."

 

[Fierlin1182]

Very well said, Eenie!

 

[debilorrah]

Lasterlass, I met Ken a good 6 years after they were done. I have never messed with some one elses husband. And I do stay away from her. Like I said before, total time I spent face to face with her over the last 4 years is probably 2-4 hours.

From what I gathered from everyone, she tries to make problems with everyone Ken is involved with

Lucky me.