I need a little relationship advise

[hdowden]

you are getting a lot of good advice on here all i have gotten is the you need to get over it talk. me and my ex have been on and off since augest 2007, we have 2 kids together and was planning our future until this breakup. its been 7.5 months now and i am still hurt and crying over it and no one around seems to understand how much i do love him and how hard it is to deal with (espically since we have kids together and constant contact isnt helping) he wasnt excatly the nicest guy and thinking back on it he really did treat me like sh*t but that doesnt erase the fact that i love him and have tried my hardest to work it out with him and he doesnt even try.

all in all it takes time to get over a breakup and each person is different, it can take a week, a few weeks, a few months, and sometimes even more than a year. you will know when you are ready to be in a relationship again, i for one am not ready to be in one and still cry.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
If you spend a little time letting him show his real self to them, things will go better in the end. I am a parent, but not THAT parent. I choose to accept who my son brings home, and if bells go off, I tend to find real and tangible things I disagree with that make sense. Not just a gut feeling. NOW he listens to me! LOL!

I wish I had listened to my mom 4 years ago, but that's another story. For now I am definitely going to get him to come over and talk with my parents for a bit. He respectful, so that should go well.

Trust me, there is always ONE time in our lives we wished we had listened to our parent/parents. At least one. LOL!

 

[sheaviance1]

I think I would just deepen your friendship and let things happen naturally, in their own time.

 

[chubbydog811]

Quote:
Great advice here, but this one from sheaviance stuck out to me the most...

There definitely is no set time for getting over it...Just depends on you!
I was with my ex for almost 4 years. I was over him within a couple months, but I went out with an open mind and didn't expect anything (of any sort of relationship I mean. I was hurt and angry, and was holding a huge grudge against men at that point). If you just let things happen the way they should, it will work out eventually! It took me about a year before I got as far as dating again, though I am excessively stubborn/picky, so that was more by choice than anything.

I happened by an old grade school friend this past summer, and we started hanging out - both of us had previous bad relationship break-ups and neither had any interest of dating anyone - we were just looking for someone to spend time with, since most of our friends moved away after high school/for college...Well, let me tell you - that changed in about 2 weeks after meeting up again. The more time we spent together, the harder it was to be away. We've been dating since June of this year - and I can honestly say, he is the first person that I have been able to spend every day with and still have no motivation to go at his throat.

Anyway, point being, if you let things go the way they are supposed to instead of forcing it one way or another, you will be much happier in the end

When something is supposed to be, it will happen.

Good luck with everything

 

[chickened]

I would not rush into anything, if he is truly a good guy he will wait it out for you if not he will leave shortly if he does not get what he really wants(there is no shortage of easy women). A 25 year old male with a job is becoming a rarity these days and one that wants to take care and cherish you is even more rare. Looks will become less important to you as you get older so you are best to have something in common and be able to get along. No guy is good enough for mom and dad so forget that one.

 

[zzGypsy]

take your time. you've got time, he says you've got time... trusting that he means what he says is a great place to start. you can ask him to let you know if he starts to feel impatient, or like the time is running out. if he says he will, trust him... communication is a big deal in relationships, here's a good place to start.

find fun things to do together, and try to plan things that are not just the two of you... go with a group of his friends, your friends, his family, your family. things to keep it light and fun and help keep the brakes on until you're ready for a relationship again. you're right to go a little slow, it won't be fair to either of you if you jump in and find out 6 months from now it was a rebound thing... and that may be something you really can't tell just yet.

he's willing to be patient because he *KNOWS* what he wants. and he's wise enough to understand it won't work unless you *know* too. those are good qualities to start off with... trust that bit of wisdom and use the time to heal. you might want to keep the physical part of your relationship in the cooler for a while - the accompanying chemistry can keep your brain (and heart) from finishing the healing work you need to do.

my guess is, if you ask him, he'll tell you he'd rather wait and have you be sure you want to be with him, than get tangled up too soon, and then have you uncertain and torn between him and someone else (your ex or someone else.)

if he's the good guy he sounds like, and not a hormone-driven opportunist, he'll be patient.l If you go slow, then when you are sure, say yes to the next step, he will know its really about how you feel about *HIM* not just that you're hurt and lonely. and knowing it's coming from how you feel about him will make his heart sing.

how long to heal? no way to know that from here. but there are things you can do to help speed it along. cry all you need to, but don't just cry, think about what didn't work, and why. think about what did work, and why. think about what you should have seen as problems but ignored, or somehow didn't see. think about why you chose a guy who ultimatley turned out to be not a good match for you. think about what you put up with that you shouldn't have. think about what you could have given that you held back. think about how *you* were in the relationship that made it better. and made it worse. get to know yourself a bit more - how you are in relationships, what you're good at, what you're not, what you really need to do better.

because all the learning you can dredge out of the last relationship will benefit the next one.

when you get an 'ah-HA' about your past relationship(s), maybe talk them through with this friend, get his take, learn how he is in those kinds of situations. talk about how *you* could do that differently, how you can develop the areas where you're not so skilled, or not so strong. a good friend, something you want from a husband, can help you grow, help you become your better self. it's good when partners have similar ideas and strengths, but it's also good when they have complementary strengths too.

anyway, go slower than you think you need to, take your time, use your recent loss as a source of enlightenment. in my experience, pain is a teacher. when we get it, really embrace the lesson the pain is there to teach us, the pain evaporates. dig in, get your lessons, it will free your heart to choose where to be, and bring with it the gift of being just a little wiser.

 

[Razadia]

Thanks for the great advise everyone. I'm going to take my time. He's coming to hang out with my family on Christmas after he spends time with his parents and siblings.