I need some help, advice - not chicken related

[debilorrah]

Here is the list:

Fiance had a biopsy last Thursday to test for prostate cancer.
Mom is disabled and needs help running errands, etc.
19 yo step-daughter wrecked her car, so she no transportation to school
17 yo step son slit his wrist about a month ago (he is doing MUCH better with the right medication)
19 yo son got punched in the eye so hard he needed 9 stiches

My problem is that EVERYONE looks to me to help them out. Step daughter needs a ride to schoo; fiance has no strength so he naps when he gets home from work; I have to run errands for my mom, AND stop at the store to get things missing for dinner.

I am getting pulled every which way I can get pulled. I feel like I want to go to bed and stuff ear plugs in my ears and just sleep for 3 days.

None of the kids EVER pick up after themselves, no matter how much I yell or how mad I get. They are all allergic to the dishwasher so things get piled up in the sink. I told them all if the kitchen wasn't spotless when I got home no one was getting dinner. I am at my wits end.

 

[miss_jayne]

wow! i am so sorry to hear that life is being a real challenge right now.

first, you need a time out. time for YOU. whether you go to a movie or shopping alone or something, get out. people only bend so far.

secondly, you need to set some ground rules that have to have consequences. stick to them.

let people know when they ask for help HOW you can help, not do whatever they want.

ie:, 'Mom, I want to help you get to the store, but I am doing the grocery shopping on Thursday. That is the only day I can do it. Why don't we make a menu out for you for the week and I can make sure you have everything you need. I sure love you, Mom!'

do what is IMPORTANT, not URGENT. urgent things fall away quickly and wont matter in the end. ask yourself, is this going to matter in ten minutes? if not, guess what, chuck it out with the trash.

all this being said, i feel for you as a person. i will keep you in my prayers and bless you tonight.

'

 

[tfpets]

I wish I could say something that could fix it for you in one swoop....but I make the same choices each day myself, and frequently overload and overdo it too. Take care of yourself, and maybe you should put your earplugs in and sleep for three days. Who's gonna take care of you? You.
Just remember, there are people here who care about you....and you are one of the caretakers of others......I think it's pretty common among us chicken people, that we are the caretakers.....get some rest when you can....

Tina/tfpets

 

[debilorrah]

Thanks guys. I am rather overwhelmed today. In case you couldn't tell. Sometimes just TYPING really really hard helps.

I already told my stepdaughter that if I do take her to school she needs to find her own way home. She signed up without any idea how she would get there and back.

 

[the1much]

do absolutely nothing,,, let them ALL fend for themselves,,, what are they learning by you doing it all?,, give them knowledge they'll use for the rest of their lives,,"how to live on their own". ,, just like wiping their butts when they were little,,,, could you imagine if you never made em do it on their own.

 

[debilorrah]

HAHAHAHA! My son is pretty self sufficient from years of me being a single mother. Although he is still a pig and won't get off his lazy butt and go to school or work. The others have been raised by their father, and he is not a neat nut at all. I just need to go on strike for a while. My son called and asked what was for dinner and I said "Nothin if that kitchen isn't clean, and I mean the floor too!!!". He hung up bewildered.

 

[Wildsky]

I'll second 1much.

pass the buck to the kids - they're all old enough to be doing something (errands for mom? YES)
Daughter needs to find her own ride or catch a bus if there is one available - offer to buy her a bike (check craigslist)

Go out to dinner with some girl-friends, and leave the lot to figure it out for themselves... if there are dishes piled up - make sure you have a plate and knife and fork for yourself. Put the rest in a BOX and put it outside - DIRTY - that way you won't have to look at it.

Stuff lying around on the floor - clothing etc... put it in big trashbags, dump it in their rooms or where ever you don't have to trip over it.

All done, that little round the house with a few trash bags shouldn't take long.

 

[the1much]

now do it,,,, and do the same with the laundry, floors,, and everything else,, they either do their half FIRST,, or you dont do your part in HELPING them,, not DOING it ALL for em hehe

they'll catch on in a week i bet lol

 

[Chicken Boo]

Oh, my. I feel for you. Have a hug.

I agree with Miss Jayne, take care of yourself first. Otherwise, you will be no good to anyone, including your chickens. Do whatever it takes to get some time to yourself (hide at a friend's, go to the movie's, check into a hotel and soak in the tub, go get a massage). Then, do not do anything that is anyone else's responsibility. Feed yourself and your fiance. Do your own laundry and wash your own dishes.


The following is me spouting off at the mouth and you can take it seriously or ignore me as I stick my nose where it does not belong:
I do not know your situation in detail but I suggest (if it fits) that you tell the 19 yos that if they want to stay, they will pull their own weight. If they do not like it, tell them to get jobs and get out of your hair. You do not have the energy, nor the obligation, to put up with such selfish ingrates. This should scare the 17 yo enough. However, this will take backing from you fiance who should be kissing your feet and thanking you every waking moment.

I do not pay much attention to Dr. Phil. However, I have heard 2 really good pieces of wisdom from him. 1) NEVER piss off anyone who handles your food and 2) You teach people how to treat you.

I think your family need some lessons.


Have another hug and good luck.

 

[MagsC]

Lots of good advice. They need to help pull their own weight. I understand the being pulled in a lot of directions. You have to draw the line and I know its not easy.
I loved miss_jaynes idea on how to talk to your mom.