I thought grandparents were suppose to be a god-send.

[darkmatter]

Ugh... grandparents, what are you gonna do? Seems we never raised our kids right and the grandparents seemed to make a point of favoritism toward the cousins on birthdays and holidays-------Hah! those spoiled whinny emo kids got into trouble with drugs, the law, and living a parasite lifestyle now. My kids got to have pets when young, played outside, got knifes and firearms and lawnmowers when young, went hunting and fishing often, learned to maintain their own vehicles. Both went on to higher education and now have good careers with full time jobs and healthy relationships. Grandparents---stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

 

[CityChicker]

Wow. None of us can really know for sure what is going on. It really sounds like you are in a bad situation all around. Reading this thread I cannot get out of my mind the fact that just a couple months ago you were posting about your husband being in a religious cult that had totally over taken his life. You had packed up and moved out with the kids and were concerned because he couldn't even say whether or not he would kill your children if the cult asked him to. You are in an extreme situation. I am glad that these things have seemingly been resolved and you are back together and he has ended his involvement in that.

You have to understand how these things sound to people on the outside looking in though. These things you told us here just happened a couple months ago. In most situations, I would think that the grandmother's behavior was completely out of line. That and I would normally be furious with the school. In this situation, I am not so sure what to think. I think it is very possible she is the one pushing the school to do a home visit. She is probably even asking them to watch for signs of abuse. Based on the "big picture" of your situation, I am not so sure that a lot of people here wouldn't be doing the same thing if it were their grandchild. I think a lot of people (if not most) would probably be trying to get outside help in this situation via CPS or some other source. I mean seriously just a couple months ago you were concerned whether or not your husband would kill your children. To the people reading this thread, if you were the grandmother 900 miles away, what would you do? That is somewhat of a rhetorical question. I am certainly not trying to be harsh with you. I know you have been through a lot. I just think that, given what you yourself have said about your husband and your situation, most grandparents would be extremely concerned about the safety of their grandchild. Most, in fact, would probably be doing a heck of a lot more than just calling the school.

 

[StrawberryHouseMouse]

I understand where your coming from. She doesn't know anything of that situation I had with him however. I don't talk to her, and he doesn't talk to her either. Neither of us communicate that much with her at all. I admit that what happened a couple months ago was likely a little over exaggerated on my behalf. Weither he understood the question or not, and weither I misunderstood his answer. After I had sat down and talked it out very thoroughly with him, we understood each other a lot more. I usually go with my gut, and after talking to him my gut told me that everything was fine, that it was just a huge misunderstanding. And the reason why he didn't correct me in the first place was cause he was confused and cause I was hauling it out of there so fast his head was spinning.

 

[CityChicker]

I understand. I know sometimes it is easy to take something the wrong way and then the next thing you know it is blown out of proportion. I am so happy for you that it seems like it was all a misunderstanding and you guys are working on your marriage. I have to wonder if his mother does know about it and you just are unaware. If she is talking to your mom, I wonder if your mom said something about it. Who knows. If she doesn't know about it and this is normal behavior for her, that would really irritate me beyond belief. Maybe you and/or your husband just need to sit her down and say that this is the way it is, you are working on your marriage/family, and you do not need her being this involved in your child's education like this (to the point that you are being excluded). I would still be really angry with the school as well. Honestly, your MIL sounds a lot like mine (except that mine is wonderful most of the time). Mine can certainly "talk a good talk" though and worm her way in to situations that she has no business in (as much as I love her, LOL).

Anyway, I hope you guys get this all worked out. I am thrilled to hear that things are much better than they were a few months ago.

 

[EweSheep]

Mouse, I am sure glad it was all a misunderstanding. At least you two had some space to think about it and come together on the table and be able to resolve things. Glad he was out of the cult LOL!

As for the grandmother, I see red flags all over the place when it concerns your daughter and her schooling. From this day on, put a stop to it. Talk to the adminstrator and principal that they have went too far in authorizing the grandmother access to your daughter's information. I agree with Pineapple's posts....downright fraud and she should be fired from her job.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

My aunt was an elementary principal in the school district I grew up in; this was before the laws about privacy for education records were put into place. She always knew the grades her nieces and nephews made on our report cards because we called her up and told her. She would NEVER have gone behind our parents back and looked up information, even though it was not a rule/law at that time. She would have considered it unethical. But by the same token, she had a great relationship with all her nieces & nephews, sister and brothers and inlaws. In her eyes there was nothing we would ever do that was wrong. And so we lived up to her expectations. She was (still is at almost 97) everyone's favourite aunt. When I was in High School I met someone who had had her as a principal--apparently she could be a real terror when she needed to be. But her teachers and most of her students adored her.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Information needs to come directly from you, your husband or your daughter (with your knowledge and permission). I think you and your husband need to sit down and decide the types of information you will and will not tell her. Living 900 miles away, knowing about every test grade and assignment is ridiculous; on the other hand, if she lived nearby and babysat your daughter regularly during the week, that information might well be reasonable. Telling her that you like the teacher and why, the number of kids in the class, report card grades, significant achievements are all probably reasonable. Telling her your concerns about the teacher..the curriculum...your daughter's grades or similar matters might be reasonable if she seemed like a more reasonable person, but with the strained relationship you have, I personally would not choose to share that information. And since she regularly talks to your mother, you may need to limit what you tell HER.

It takes two people to make a relationship. One can have a cordial relationship while still maintaining privacy. Knowing that you like to drink your coffee a certain way in the morning does not invade ones privacy to the same extent as telling all the nitty gritty details of ones life. And yet it still helps forge bonds.

 

[Katy]

I think his mother probably knows a lot more about the situation than you think she does....and probably from your mom. Honestly if my daughter or sons had my grandkids in that kind of situation I'd be looking at getting an outside agency involved too for a home visit plus coming to visit myself. You say he's out of his "cult" now, but how long till he's involved in something else? I'm sorry but there is no reason for him not answering H_LL NO when you asked if he'd kill his kids if the "cult" asked him too....no amount of confusion on his part is an excuse for that.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

If I understand what Strawberry now understands, it is that when he said he did not know, he did not mean that he did not know whether he would sacrifice his children, but that he meant that he did not know how he would phrase saying no. Not having been party to the first or later conversation, or knowing either of them, I really cannot say which is a more accurate meaning of his words. Miscommunication is a very common thing; probably a lot more common that actual communication.

 

[StrawberryHouseMouse]

Quote:
Your right for the most part. He said to me in the later conversation he didn't think that they would ever ask him to do something like that. And that if they did for some reason, he wouldn't know what to say to them cause he would be shocked. He then told me of course the answer would be no, and he would have some questions for them, but the main thing is that he wouldn't ever obey anything they said for him to do that he didn't feel right doing. That being one of the things he would totally not feel right doing. And I do believe him. He proved himself to me by cutting all of them out of his life. He's never done anything weird like that before, its not a habit of his. I don't even think he knew what he was getting into when he first joined them. They posed as a religious group, and from the outside, for those who didn't know all the details, it did look like a Messianic religious gathering of people. They where very tricky in they're ways. A lot of people ended up quitting them that was a part of it when he was. Since he worked with most of these people at the plant, then he knew of the things being said. Some people came to him after they quit and told him why and what happened. After a while it seems like they quit reading the Hebrew bible all together and started talking about "the fellowship" more. And the man who was serving as the leader role even decided to start rewriting the bible in his point of view. So even he realized that getting out was a good thing. Things have been a lot better with us since. We still get in a few little arguments here and there. But I think every one in a relationship does that.