Is it Wrong to have a "Crush" on Someone if You Are Married?

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Definately.. well said!
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Yes, I do feel its wrong to have this "crush".. and yes, he may be a jerk too. Neither of us are the same from when we got married.. I agree. But I think the difference is that I "grew up" and he didn't. He has no responsibilities other than working. I accept that, but I need a little too. I thought it was me when our problems started. After 3 kids, self esteem was low. I am 4 pounds lower than when we got married. Lost 22 pounds since May. I worked hard at the gym, and have watched what I ate. He gained 60 pounds since married and could care less. Physically, we are hurting too. I have the energy to keep up with the kids, etc.. He is now, lazy, and out of breath often, doesn't want to be bothered.
 
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Very well said Cindi!!!

I wish I could snap my fingers and fix this for you..I know how much this hurts and can really damage your self esteem......Sending hugs to you now
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Thanks for the hugs
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I just don't want to feel like this anymore
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If your a book reader I can recommend some books that were recommended to me by a counselor.

The first is "Too Good to leave to bad to stay" it goes through different scenarios and tells you if most woman in that situation were happier staying or leaving.

The second is "Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix. It explains why we chose the person we did and has ways to work on the relationship. My ex husband would not work with me on it. I did do it by myself and it really improved future relationships.

You could also try some Dr Laura methods. See if trying to be his lover might make him interested in trying to regain what you use to have.

Other than that I really wish you luck.
 
If he's willing to go to counseling on his own then that's great! It's a start in the right direction. Let him go and you go too. Sooner or later you will get on the same page. At least you'd both be taking steps to fix your marriage. If you both do nothing nothing will change.

If you both try and the marriage fails, you can know that you did everything possible and your children will know that as well.

I just read in a magazine that when you're talking things over hold each others hands. It may feel awkward at first, but it's hard to get huffy and walk away when you're holding hands.
 
Chickie Mamma...have you thought about what kind of effect your weight loss has had on you mentally? I know that sounds like an odd question, but I have lost 30 pounds recently as well, and have had a couple bouts of depression as my body is adjusting hormonally to the changes. I had a friend who did the gastric bypass and after losing a load of weight, she was convinced she was in love with another man. It has something to do with the endorphins adjusting blah blah I don't know exactly, but here's my theory
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When we were bigger the hormones were more diluted, other body parts that MAKE the hormones, have not adjusted as quickly. Maybe they are just playing catch up? It does happen and those who do the gastric bypass are forewarned that it can be an issue. I lost 30 pounds in 8 or so months, and I am having mild symptoms. It's worth Googling at least
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On another note. The DH not growing up, working and that is it...umm been there done that as well, and he needs a reality check. DH sat around on a video game
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That was my major issue with my DH. Not doing things with/for the kids etc. etc. Kids suck the life out of you...and I mean that in the nicest way
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He should at the very least be responsible for putting them to showering and getting in the bed at night! Not doing things around the house...I am TOTALLY with him on that, but vegging in front of the TV all night after supper....I'd put a tack strip in his easy chair and super glue the buttons to the remote down! OR do what I did and go back to work for a few months, he'll recognize all the hard work when he's stuck with some of it
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Also, I get that he is 'lazy' and such, but it could be the additional weight...lace his food with nutrition!!
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If he drops a few pounds too he might actually FEEL like doing something with you and the kiddos. I was always exhausted when I had that excess weight!!!! And irritable...we won't go into detail about my moodswings then.... Maybe you should just stand in his shoes for a moment and see what it is like. Going back to work gave me some perspective about what DH had to deal with on a daily basis, and gave him a view of my daily schedule crunch with the kids. People(self included) often get stuck in their own little ideas of how hard/bad things are until they take the role of the one they are complaining about. Going back to work was my reality check. I am SOOOO THANKFUL DH does not want me to keep working outside the home!! It is STRESSFUL! It is REDUNDANT, and it is now all his! I'll scrub toilets thank you very much
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AND I will do it with a smile on my face! It takes two to make it work. He is bringing the money home, you are making sure there is a home to come home to. Sounds like both of you may be taking each other for granted a bit. I know that was mine and DH's issue to a large degree.

I really hope none of this is out of line. But, I almost feel like I am talking to myself a year ago. If my hunch is incorrect...feel free to tell me to shut my face
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Cindiloo has some very valid points! Especially about the role reversal....being a SAHM is vastly different than being the bread winner. Both can start to feel taken for granted in these roles but for very different reasons.

Ever heard of that movie "Fireproof"? Excellent movie for these types of situations.
 
Okay, as a man, I'm going to tread into the dangerous waters here. From my own life experienes (including from my friends), there are multiple sides of the story. I'm not attacking or nit-picking your story, but I did pick up on two data points that gave me pause - 10 yrs as a stay-at-home mom and weight issues. You said there was no abuse, which I pray is true. You're also about the age where I've seen many marriages run into the same trouble.

Life is hard and complicated at times. When communication breaks down, we start to tell ourselves "stories" (see any mgmt books on communications "Crucial Conversations, Dale Carnegie, etc) to fill the gaps in our perception of reality. I get personally frustrated when the "I'm not happy" is used to excuse all sorts of behavior, I think it's the encroachment of the instant gratification and entitlement mentality seeping into our society. You need to be strong and guard against the temptations.

I'm not evaluating your situation for "right" or "wrong". If you are so inclined, take a quick read of this article and see if anything may apply in your situation.

Walk-away wife syndrome:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

Maybe your husband is a jerk and you are 100% justified. Then again, maybe not. Regardless, I hope there is a postive outcome.

I'll go back under the chair now.
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This is coming form a man who has been married much longer than you have. Let's assume the husband has a ton of faults, and you're ready to move on to a new life, but not get divorced. If the new man in your life knows you're married, and he still goes out with you, what makes you think he won't do the same to you when you are together? Women are women, and men are men. We both have faults, but cheating on each other is not a solution. Find a way to save your marriage or get out of it. Hopefully you two will be able to save what you have. I'd suggest making a nice romantic dinner for him (with candle light and all) (find someone to watch the kids), and see what happens. He won't be expecting it. Good luck.

Ed
 
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