Is it Wrong to have a "Crush" on Someone if You Are Married?

[Chickie Mamma]

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Thanks for the recommendations on the books! I will definately look them up. I will try anything at this point. I appreciate it!

 

[Sir Birdaholic]

Hey Gagaler,

Good Mornin' The hammock has been replaced so I can rest every once in a while. Sure can't use it as much as I'd like!

 

[Sir Birdaholic]

Mornin' Chickie, Feel any more loved today?

You have alot of support on BYC, so when you need a "pick me up", just holler!

 

[dixieland]

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This is an awesome group of people!!! And Chickie, we're here for you!

 

[Chickie Mamma]

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Definately NOT out of line! You have pointed out many interesting things. About the weight loss... I have heard about the hormonal changes etc. I know my self esteem has shot up considerably. After gaining 55 pounds with my first daughter, I was miserable. I lost some, but gained it all back with my other 2 children. More miserable! I have been working soooo hard to lose the weight. Gym everyday, and followed the weightwatchers point system. I am in the best shape I've been in years (except for some stretch marks) I'm even thinking of getting my belly button pierced (always wanted one) now that I can see my belly button

He will tease me while eating brownies and cake (just not nice). I thought maybe the weight gain was a problem on my side, but now I realize its just him. I need to go back to work. I have sent out applications etc, but no one is hiring in our small town. I need to be fairly close to home as my son is in Kindergarten and has many medical issues (Severe food allergies, Asthma etc). I worked online for 3 years and have only been out of work for the past year and I was able to be home with the kids. I never daydreamed about anyone before, and it does worry me from time to time. Its almost like I am waiting for my "prince charming" to come and take me away from all of this. I've never been treated like a "queen" and I wouldn't know where to even begin. But I do get a little envious of others and how they are able to pamper themselves from time to time. I feel like Cinderella sometimes, and hope there is a happy ending for me too

 

[Chickie Mamma]

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I was dreaming about you all night!

 

[Chickie Mamma]

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This is an awesome group of people!!! And Chickie, we're here for you!

My BYC friends are the BEST friends in the world. Its nice to know we can talk about anything even if it has nothing to do with chickens

I thank all of you for the support and advice!

 

[Sir Birdaholic]

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I was dreaming about you all night!

You sure the dream was about me, or my hammock art?

 

[welsummerchicks]

"It depends". Some crushes are just plain old fun, and some are a deeper expression of what's wrong in a relationship.

Sometimes, when people tell me about their spouses, they both have what I call an 'Angry List'. I'm angry because you did this. I'm angry because you did that. They both will shout out their 'Angry List' and neither one is listening to the other, the other one will just shout out their 'Angry List' louder or say, 'My angry list is better than YOUR angry list!' Most of the time, the 'Angry List' is a cover for feelings they don't yet understand or are ashamed to address. While people DO get hurt in reaction to other's behavior, often it isn't about that at all. It's about a basic feeling of not feeling loved, cared for or respected.

If we heard hubby's point of view, it's likely to be very, very different. I would bet that the two of you see this marriage from totally opposite perspectives.

You SHOULD be able to come here and write, 'I feel' and then write, 'My husband feels' and be able to not just explain his point of view and then explain why it has no worth, but to say exactly how and why he feels that way, and why his feelings have merit too. You did not do that. That could mean you may not understand his view, don't want to present information about both points of view so you'll get more support here, it could mean you no longer CARE about his view.

MOST of the time, it means none of that. It means a person has gotten wrapped up in their own problems and feelings and CAN'T see the other person's side. It's not selfish or mean or uncaring at all, it's that the other person's view is sort of 'overshadowed' by the spouse's pain and anxiety.

For one thing, I'd have to say, that going by the numbers, divorce isn't that unusual. About 50% of marriages seem to end that way. I think in the past, marriages tended to instead, go on for years and years with the two living in the same house, not getting divorced, but not getting along or being a comfort to each other, either.

Fooling around isn't unusual, either. Some studies say that about a third of married partners, have affairs, sometimes as part of leaving the relationship, sometimes just well...on the side or even unplanned, without intention of leaving, but the other finds out and won't put up with it. Usually a male won't put up with a wife having affairs in our society...but of course traditionally, as most of us know, a woman is often expected to 'forgive and forget' if her husband has an affair.

Then there is the issue of expectation. If you married a fellow who was quiet, undemonstrative, and lacking in career goals, he may have a 'flare up' during his early adulthood where he seems about to 'break out' of that mold and change, typically, people sort of fade back into their old habits after a few years of exploration. What you find disappointing could really be, 'that's just him'. That's who he really is.

Some of who he is, you just have to accept. People don't really change much over their whole lives.

But...what can you do with the person who is 'that's just him' when he isn't meeting your needs.

Three things. One - change what you expect. Two - find other ways to make you happy. Three - stop expecting to be fulfilled by your marriage.

Starting with that one - marriage can only do so much for you. Many of us expect our marriage to do EVERYTHING for us. It does not. If you are unhappy with yourself, and have not created a life for yourself, independently, you WILL be unhappy, despite being married. Many of us put an AWFUL load on a husband. He's expected to be more like a close girlfriend, really, and listen to everything we have to say. And he's expected to fill holes he can't possibly fill. When we are unhappy in ourselves, we start to look around and point to others as making us unhappy, as not being 'good enough'. While I would NEVER say a husband should NOT be a companion and a friend and listen sympathetically. Many men seem to interpret anything like the above as completely absolving themselves from being a partner and a friend, and it doesn't. I only mean that a partner can only take us so far. Then something needs to come from within ourselves, to bring us happiness.

How about finding other ways to be happy? Weight loss is a good start. One feels better, clothes fit better, one has more energy. And the occasional appreciative look from passers by is not so bad either. Slim and fit, one can do sports, and other activities that mean going out and meeting people, and feeling good about oneself. Having interests outside the house is good too. And NO - I don't count sitting at the computer, or writing on BB's. This leads instead to one just sticking to the same old patterns of thinking. Studies have already shown people use the internet to CONFIRM their beliefs, not to change them. We go to websites where people agree with us, mostly, and if someone doesn't agree, they get drummed off the website. And sitting in front of a computer is passive and you have too much control over it. It's simply too safe. Get off the chair, put away the computer, go outside, and get away from your house and home. Do something completely different.

Is an affair part of 'getting needs met'? For some it is. I have a relative for whom I felt it was more about not facing her problems and expecting to be constantly entertained and adored. I have a friend, on the other hand, whose husband told her to go ahead and have an affair, he said he knew he wasn't keeping her happy, and that he wasn't capable of being warm and loving...with anyone, and he didn't know why, and that he was sorry. She didn't have an affair. She was shocked and to be honest, impressed that he said that...it convinced her that even if he couldn't show it, he really did deeply love her.

Some people go too far in 'wanting affirmations of love'. The wife who constantly says, 'say you love me' is an old standard Hollywood joke. For some, though, they do actually need a lot of affection and attention - some people simply function better that way, outward demonstrative affection simply keeps their mental machinery well oiled. Paired up with someone who thinks affection is a 'reward' for 'proper behavior' that is to be doled out as a form of manipulation and control, that is a disaster.

What about expecting something different? We are not all so made that we can just DROP all of our emotional needs and feelings. We cannot ALL simply exist in a wasteland. Not all of us, really are happy living with a man who spends all of his time watching tv, working, or going out with his male friends. But we CAN make compromises. Perhaps it's better to talk to a girlfriend who has the same hobby, and perhaps we can get different needs from different people. And perhaps we can even learn to do without some things. Perhaps we can schedule a more romantic time with the husband rather than always doing chores or work around the house with him. Maybe it's important to take a day off, even when things aren't done. And maybe if we're very choosey how something is done, maybe we can do it ourselves. Maybe we'd be better off being a little more independent. Maybe a club, a sport, a charitable cause, would make us feel needed, important and significant in this world.

My friend's husband was simply not very affectionate or demonstrative. She got involved in some volunteer work and no longer was like a person dying in the desert of thirst, looking for affection from her husband. Not surprisingly, the minute she needed less from him, he started to open up and be more affectionate. He simply was one of those many men who, if they sense any expectation or pressure they close up like a turtle into a shell. He was really not the right person for her, but by by changing up the game some, he changed. Some things people do CAN be changed.

If there is something blocking a person from being who he can be and who you need him to be, you can change that. You can't create a caring person when there is no caring in there, but you can remove roadblocks.

And the trick is, you never ever, really know, what is a road block, and what is just not in there. You never know til you change how you are dealing with the person and see if he changes. But you gotta change up the game. Big time.

 

[AhBee01]

You said he gained 60 lbs,and could care less, seems like he may be depressed himself. He may have low self esteem. He has seen you make a big change and he hasn't done that. If he walks away when you try to talk, your approach may make him defensive like you are picking on him( even if you are not.) Maybe write him a letter about how you feel. He can't walk away from a letter, he might not read it but still, write it out and tell him what you want and what you need, and then ask him what he wants and needs.
Maybe ask him on a date, and go somewhere that you both would enjoy. Let him know that you know we are in a rut what can we do to spice things up.
Then you said you have trust issues, then you need to get some help, for yourself, go with out him, then as time goes by, you might get him to come, you never know.
Your crush is reflecting what you want in a relationship, now that you are feeling pretty, it is normal to want to do things for yourself even Moms need pampering.
You need to know where you stand with your Man, does he still love you, do you love him, is the trust issues getting in your way?
Stay away from this crush, you don't want to act on it. You need to find you, and know where you stand in your relationship.
Good luck this is the hardest thing to go through.