Is it Wrong to have a "Crush" on Someone if You Are Married?

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
I think I do get my strength from my mom too. I just don't want to be unhappy like she was. My mom worked her whole life too, and not because my dad didn't make enough. He had a fantastic city job that paid well, but he had a "spending" problem. He paid the mortgage and my mom had to pay for everything else. With 3 kids going to Catholic school, I don't know how she did it. She still works for her own personal wants and needs. She made sure we always had what we needed. I respect her for that. I always encourage my kids to finish what they started.. playing instruments, dance, gymnastics, sports etc.. We see that with my brother-in-law. He never finished anything as a kid (I've been told) If he didn't like it, they dropped it. Now in his 30's, he has been through 6 different jobs and now has a baby that he can barely support. So... it IS very important to teach kids this.

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
Yes, I am human. I am going to recommend the counseling again, I feel like he is hiding something by cancelling all the appointments. He went to 2 sessions alone, and once a "group" appointment was made for the 2 of us, he hasn't mentioned it again after cancelling it. Life is to short to be unhappy, but is also too short to make a life altering mistake. As far as my "crush" is concerned.. it will always be just a fantasy. Maybe in time, it will just fizzle out.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Gleaned from the OP's posts-
we just have nothing in common anymore...I think of how happy I "could" be sometimes, and I wonder if I "could" be happier
Again, happy isn't going to come from someone else. It will only come from inside you. You can be happier in the marriage you are currently in. This "happy" you have in your head is imaginary and has no basis in reality.

Definately want to state that it is NOT abusive. Just that, needs aren't met, and he has gone for counseling on past problems we have had. He refuses to go to counseling with me, makes excuses that the Dr. was not in etc... I don't think he has been fully honest with the Dr
I have tried to talk to him several times... he walks away. If he would just say "we will make it work" I would have more hope. He is fine with counseling on his own.. but together, he almost refuses.
So he is willing to go to counseling, just not joint counseling? He is unwilling to discuss this with you? I would guess that he feels threatened and is avoiding the situation. (IE If you don't talk about the problem, there is no problem.) Perhaps he is like most men and would rather rip his teeth out with pliers than talk about his personal life with a total stranger. Perhaps he is not comfortable with the doctor you have chosen. It sounds like your husband is not a communicative kind of guy. Was he like that when you married him? You cannot expect him to completely change personality just because it makes you unhappy.

My husband is nothing like the man I married. He was fun, spontaneous, had a great sense of humor. He changed so much. No more fun, no more spontaneous (well, thanks to the kids) I understand that
I dare say that your husband would say the same thing about you. It sounds like from what you have told us that every time he comes near you, you are wanting to talk about what is wrong or ask him why he won't go to counseling. He likely would say that you used to be fun and spontaneous and that now you are a drag and a nag. It is all about perspective. You clearly aren't as much fun as you were pre-children.

Its almost like I am waiting for my "prince charming" to come and take me away from all of this. I've never been treated like a "queen" and I wouldn't know where to even begin. But I do get a little envious of others and how they are able to pamper themselves from time to time. I feel like Cinderella sometimes, and hope there is a happy ending for me too
So you are waiting for the Disney ending to happen. Never mind that your husband is working his butt off all day long, you now expect him to come home and pamper you. Why can you not pamper yourself? Is there any reason that you can't go get a swell haircut or a mani/pedi? Money is tight. You aren't working. He is working long hours to pay the bills and he comes home tired. Oh yeah, the first thing on his mind is pampering you.

We have been through so much over the years and we have finally made time for each other. On Wednesday nights, we are on a bowling league. Its the only thing we have in common. I like to fish, he likes fantasy baseball. We give each other space to do the things we like to do, but never spent enough time together. I thought that would have changed.
We do go bowling together. Thats about the only hobby we share. We are both Yankee fans too. But, I will go to games with him and he won't go fishing with me or anything I like to do.
Where is it written in the marriage vows that your husband must spend all his time with you and enjoy all the same things? Why would you want everything in common? If you want to spend more time together, ask him to go do things with you. Explain that you miss spending time with just him (like you did when you were dating and before kids). Go for a walk since you are so concerned about his weight and health. Find an exercise that you can do together. Quit whining that he doesn't like to play your games and come up with games you can do together.

Neither of us are the same from when we got married.. I agree. But I think the difference is that I "grew up" and he didn't. He has no responsibilities other than working. I accept that, but I need a little too. I thought it was me when our problems started. After 3 kids, self esteem was low. I am 4 pounds lower than when we got married. Lost 22 pounds since May. I worked hard at the gym, and have watched what I ate. He gained 60 pounds since married and could care less. Physically, we are hurting too. I have the energy to keep up with the kids, etc.. He is now, lazy, and out of breath often, doesn't want to be bothered.
I wish I could ignite a fire under his butt to get some excercise. I guess his weight gain is putting a bit of a strain on us physically. I would never leave for this reason. Its the unwillingness to try that gets me, especially when I have worked so hard to make myself more pleasing to look at.

He has no responsibilities than working?! Wow. So you are doing all the house chores, yard chores, car maintenance, house maintenance, shopping, etc. All the man does is wake up, go to work and come home and go to bed. You do 100% of everything else. But wait, you say later in your threads that not only has be been working full time, he has been picking up overtime work. Have you ever worked a full time 40 hour plus job? It is exhausting. When you add to it all the family needs he is likely taking care of, the man is too tired to do everything you want.

The sad thing is.. he knows whats wrong and how I feel, and he won't change back to the man I married
Are you willing to turn back into the woman he married? I'm guessing you didn't make him feel like a fat slug when you first married. I'm guessing you were positive and upbeat and happy when you first married. I'm guessing you thought he hung the moon when you got married. I am guessing that you treated him in a positive way when you first married. Now what he gets is that he is fat and ugly, that he can't do anything right, that you cannot be pleased, that you can do better than him. Why on earth would the man want to spend any time at all around you? If you are feeling like this and you are already asking him to go to counseling he is very, very aware that you are not happy with him. He is resisting you because he thinks he can't win this game. He is not happy either and his way to deal with it is to avoid you and the situation.

This one pretty much sums it up-
My husband is 36 like me. I think its a little young to me going through a mid-life crisis. He has been working alot more, and I know he is tired. Maybe I am lonely sometimes too. With 3 kids, you can't be too lonely though. Money has played a part in all of this too.. We needed a new roof this year, garage door, his car's muffler fell off recently. His job has not offered overtime in over a year, and I guess we depended on the extra income. I have been out of work only a year (always worked part time) and its been hard. Money really isn't an issue as far as the "crush" goes.. I have no clue if the "crush" has any money or is in debt etc. I do not need a materialistic life, and am NOT high maintenence, so as long as my kids have what they need, I am good. So I think its just more "feelings" than wanting a better way of life. I just feel like someone else probably could treat me better.

Your husband, by your own admission, is working long hours. He is stressed because the house is needing repairs, the car is breaking, he isn't getting the hours he needs to pay the bills and he feels responsible for 100% of the family income. He has a wife and multiple children whose well being depends upon him completely. You feel that on top of all of this he should be treating you better. He should be pampering you when he comes home. You should be made to feel like a "queen". He should feel fun and spontaneous after work. He should be willing to go talk about his deepest feelings with a total stranger in the few hours that he isn't working. He should want to go and do and play with you when he gets home. He should want to go to the gym and work out so that he is fit and in shape. Never mind that he is showing his love to you by working hard and providing for you. Never mind that he has shown his love by going to counseling (something that very few men would do). Never mind that by your own admission you have been through a lot together. You are willing to throw all of this away because he doesn't make you happy. Wow. Just wow.

Let's look at the crush-
The funny part is that I have met this other person maybe twice in the past 2 or so years. Its not a friend or someone I work with etc..
I think its fun NOT knowing if this "crush" felt the same way. It may be highlighting all the problems in my marriage though. But I really do not know much about this other person. I don't know what he does for a living, or about his family life. This is why I wouldn't approach this. I could be MORE disappointed than before. I don't know exactly "why" this person has intrigued me, just did.

You know nothing about this guy. Absolutely nothing. He really is no different from a romance novel hero. And yet, people on here are encouraging you to leave your husband because of this imaginary man.
Being a single mom is not even remotely happy. Contrary to what many on here would like you to believe, Prince Charming doesn't always come riding up. You could throw away this marriage of 10+ years for a pipe dream all because you are not happy. Happiness is a choice. In fact, until you are happy within yourself no relationship will work out. You cannot rely on your husband to fill all of these needs. Change your attitude first and I bet your husband's attitude changes too. Right now he feels threatened. Right now he is hiding. Home is not a happy place for him either. He will never, ever be able to fulfill all that you need. Who says it is his responsibility? Why can't you fill some of those needs? Pamper yourself. Make yourself feel like a queen (Go read the Sweet Potato Queens books).

Leaving your husband WILL mean that your standard of living falls. Leaving your husband means that your children's lives will get harder. Leaving your husband DOES NOT guarantee that your life will be any happier. It just means that your life will be harder.
Trust me. I am old and single and out in that dating pool that you are contemplating entering. It is not a pretty place. You are in your mid to late 30s. You have multiple children. You WILL have to go back to work post divorce. You will not have time to date for starters. There are very few men out here in the dating pool. The few available mostly have your attitude. They want someone to take care of them and pamper them. Very few will want to take on a woman with small children. Most will expect you to look hot and yet will be in about the same physical shape as your husband. Men often don't see themselves as they are. They tend to see themselves as they were in their prime. YET, you will need to be slim, trim and athletic. Check out a few online dating sites if you really want to see what dating after the age of 35 is like. It is not sunshine, rainbows and happiness. It is heartbreaking and frustrating and often pointless. It will NOT make you happy.

I am not trying to be mean and hateful. I'm sure you are tired and lonely and unhappy. You are a stay at home mom and that is exhausting work. You are likely desperate for adult conversation. You want someone to tell you that you are interesting and beautiful. You want to feel like you did in your mid-20s. It sounds like you are in a small town with very few outlets. Leaving your husband is not going to change any of this. It will likely make it worse.

Do go to counseling yourself. It will help. Find an outlet that allows you to meet other interesting people. Keep looking for a job. If you change your attitude there is a strong chance that your husband will change his. The grass is NOT greener over here.

 

[redhen]

I would never encourage her to leave her husband for this crush... the crush has nothing to do with it.. IMO.
What my main concern is.. IF she is as unhappy as shes saying she is.... then..... she has some decisions to make...
She dosent have to live with someone that shes not happy with anymore... espically since this has been going on for a long while now...
I know that if i asked my husband to make certain efforts that were important to me and our marriage..and he didnt..then.. i guess that would be my answer..
Remember.. even if her problems seem minor and silly to US... they arent silly or minor to HER...
Shes a wife thats lonely and unhappy and the bottom line is...if she says she needs more from her marriage.... then she does. period.
I say that she deserves to be met half way..(with effort on her part too, of course..)... or its not a marriage at all... Its just existing in a house together... blah... Not a life for me.
Do i expect my husband to be perfect?( Let me just...

)
Nope.. but i DO expect him to listen to my needs and actually make an effort when i need him too...
Besides you all know that i'm such a saint to live with...

ETA.. and i do agree that if you leave.. the grass may not be greener on the other side... always beware...

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Was taken from CityGirlintheCountry's post...So he is willing to go to counseling, just not joint counseling? He is unwilling to discuss this with you? I would guess that he feels threatened and is avoiding the situation. (IE If you don't talk about the problem, there is no problem.) Perhaps he is like most men and would rather rip his teeth out with pliers than talk about his personal life with a total stranger. Perhaps he is not comfortable with the doctor you have chosen. It sounds like your husband is not a communicative kind of guy. Was he like that when you married him? You cannot expect him to completely change personality just because it makes you unhappy.
He used to be more open. I know if it was my personality that was making him unhappy, I would change for the better.

I dare say that your husband would say the same thing about you. It sounds like from what you have told us that every time he comes near you, you are wanting to talk about what is wrong or ask him why he won't go to counseling. He likely would say that you used to be fun and spontaneous and that now you are a drag and a nag. It is all about perspective. You clearly aren't as much fun as you were pre-children.
You don't know how much fun I could be. Yes, the children stopped the partying, but I now try to be fun and spontaneous with the whole family. Amusement/ water parks/ zoo's etc.. he does nothing but complain. Every time he comes near me, we do not talk about what is wrong with "him". I've dropped the counseling for a while now, and never nagged him about going.


So you are waiting for the Disney ending to happen. Never mind that your husband is working his butt off all day long, you now expect him to come home and pamper you. Why can you not pamper yourself? Is there any reason that you can't go get a swell haircut or a mani/pedi? Money is tight. You aren't working. He is working long hours to pay the bills and he comes home tired. Oh yeah, the first thing on his mind is pampering you.
Yes, he does work alot. Money is tight. I've never asked for anything. Whatever money I recieved for birthdays etc went to bills etc. I worked my butt off too til last year. I know what its like to work and its hard to find anything right now. All 3 pregnancies, I worked til a week before I was due and went back no later than 6 weeks after they were born. I am not lazy!


Where is it written in the marriage vows that your husband must spend all his time with you and enjoy all the same things? Why would you want everything in common? If you want to spend more time together, ask him to go do things with you. Explain that you miss spending time with just him (like you did when you were dating and before kids). Go for a walk since you are so concerned about his weight and health. Find an exercise that you can do together. Quit whining that he doesn't like to play your games and come up with games you can do together.
I have asked him to do things together. NO ONE ever asked him to spend all his time with me or do all the things "I" like to do. If I could play softball with him and go to baseball games with him, why can't he do a couple things I like to do? Is that wrong?

He has no responsibilities than working?! Wow. So you are doing all the house chores, yard chores, car maintenance, house maintenance, shopping, etc. All the man does is wake up, go to work and come home and go to bed. You do 100% of everything else. But wait, you say later in your threads that not only has be been working full time, he has been picking up overtime work. Have you ever worked a full time 40 hour plus job? It is exhausting. When you add to it all the family needs he is likely taking care of, the man is too tired to do everything you want.
Yes, no other responsibilities other than working. I do all the house chores, I do all the gardening, blowing leaves, he takes the car to a garage when it needs maintenence, I do all the food shopping, presents for family (his and mine). He has never bought a card for his mother in the past 11 years. I do all the Christmas shopping for kids and family, I am also the tooth fairy. Yes, as said previously, I know what its like to work full time and part time. Nothing was harder than working with a small child at home. I'd come home from work to a disaster and then am expected to make dinner and do homework. That has become easier as I am home now. Yes, he comes home sleeps, wakes up, watches the ball games, goes back to work. The kids are beginning to wonder why he doesn't play with them much anymore. He "is" tired, and I have been very understanding. Life is just passing us by and the kids are growing up fast.


Are you willing to turn back into the woman he married? I'm guessing you didn't make him feel like a fat slug when you first married. I'm guessing you were positive and upbeat and happy when you first married. I'm guessing you thought he hung the moon when you got married. I am guessing that you treated him in a positive way when you first married. Now what he gets is that he is fat and ugly, that he can't do anything right, that you cannot be pleased, that you can do better than him. Why on earth would the man want to spend any time at all around you? If you are feeling like this and you are already asking him to go to counseling he is very, very aware that you are not happy with him. He is resisting you because he thinks he can't win this game. He is not happy either and his way to deal with it is to avoid you and the situation.
I have NEVER called him fat or ugly! And what is "already asking him to go for counseling"?? Its been 2 years that we have started to have issues and I have not said anything until a couple months ago. And, physically, I HAVE turned back into the woman he married. The only other difference then when we got married is now I am a mother.

Your husband, by your own admission, is working long hours. He is stressed because the house is needing repairs, the car is breaking, he isn't getting the hours he needs to pay the bills and he feels responsible for 100% of the family income. He has a wife and multiple children whose well being depends upon him completely. You feel that on top of all of this he should be treating you better. He should be pampering you when he comes home. You should be made to feel like a "queen". He should feel fun and spontaneous after work. He should be willing to go talk about his deepest feelings with a total stranger in the few hours that he isn't working. He should want to go and do and play with you when he gets home. He should want to go to the gym and work out so that he is fit and in shape. Never mind that he is showing his love to you by working hard and providing for you. Never mind that he has shown his love by going to counseling (something that very few men would do). Never mind that by your own admission you have been through a lot together. You are willing to throw all of this away because he doesn't make you happy. Wow. Just wow.
I was never looking for constant "pampering".. A little attention from time to time would be nice. A little appreciation from time to time would be nice. And we should drop all the talk about the counseling, he "had" to go to counseling for an issue he had, nothing to do with me or he was going to be kicked out. I wanted to join him for support. I will not mention details on that.


You know nothing about this guy. Absolutely nothing. He really is no different from a romance novel hero. And yet, people on here are encouraging you to leave your husband because of this imaginary man.
Being a single mom is not even remotely happy. Contrary to what many on here would like you to believe, Prince Charming doesn't always come riding up. You could throw away this marriage of 10+ years for a pipe dream all because you are not happy. Happiness is a choice. In fact, until you are happy within yourself no relationship will work out. You cannot rely on your husband to fill all of these needs. Change your attitude first and I bet your husband's attitude changes too. Right now he feels threatened. Right now he is hiding. Home is not a happy place for him either. He will never, ever be able to fulfill all that you need. Who says it is his responsibility? Why can't you fill some of those needs? Pamper yourself. Make yourself feel like a queen (Go read the Sweet Potato Queens books).


I don't feel anyone is encouraging me to leave my husband for this other person, I think everyone is mainly stating that life is too short to be unhappy. I wouldn't act upon this as said in the first line of this thread. Read the title of this thread. It is a fantasy, I am too worried I would lose what little I have.

I am aware that the grass may not be greener on the other side. Thanks for the input, although some is hurtful and you really don't know me. But I appreciate your opinion.

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
Thanks

NO ONE is perfect.. we all have flaws, but yes, I DO expect him to listen to my needs from time to time.
I know you are a saint

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Thanks to everyone on this topic.. I think all options and opinions have been made.
You are all a great bunch of people to talk to

We will work this out, and I am sure this "crush" will diminish over time.
I appreciate every post, I just don't want this to get ugly

Thanks again!!

 

[debilorrah]

Chickie, Citygirl is just trying to get you to see ALL sides of the issue. Read it again, let it sink in, and THEN answer. The main point iI got from her post is that: everyone changes as we mature and to expect otherwise is immature. Every relationship goes through rough patches and sometimes us gals need to look in our back yards for the skeltons that are making us think twice.

Pobodys Nerfect.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Chickie Mamma, I am so not trying to be hurtful. I am merely trying to be honest and maybe show the other side of the coin. Men are weird and never, ever react to things the way we women think they should. The thought that you might throw away a relationship that might possibly be salvaged in the hopes that Prince Charming will come rescue you is heartbreaking. Clearly at some point you loved this man and he loved you. You loved each other enough to make children with each other. You are both tired and exhausted right now. Everyone I know that hits the 10 year mark and has kids has problems. All of them are telling me the same things you are saying. Kids suck the energy out of you both and completely change the dynamic of the marriage. You both feel unloved. You both feel unappreciated. You both likely want a way out. I am not trying to say that you are lazy or that your husband is perfect. Not true at all. I just know what it is like over here on the other side of the fence.

There aren't that many men looking for committments once you get past your mid-30s.
As I stated before, almost all of those men want a physically perfect woman. None of them look like Brad Pitt, despite their demand that you look like Anjalina Jolie.
If you split up, studies show that time and time again the women and children live at a much lower socioeconomic level while the man's level of living goes up.
Raising children with two of you is hard enough. Raising them by yourself makes it much harder, plus you have to deal with their daddy having them part of the time and perhaps making parenting decisions you disagree with.

As a single woman, I get to earn 100% of the income for the family. If I lose my job there is no backup plan. I get to do 100% of the chores. When something breaks, there is no one else to deal with the problem. If I am sick, I still have to drag it out of bed to deal with chores and problems. Nothing gets done around here unless I do it myself. I cannot imagine anything nicer than to have someone to share the burden with. Instead, I fix toilets and wire electrical fixtures and fix the lawnmower and worry that if I lose my job I have no way to exist. The burden alone is heavy.
As a single woman there is NO ONE to spend time with. There is no one to have a date night with, whether it is doing what I want to do or what he wants to do. There is just me. Granted, I get to control the remote all the time, but it is a lonely life most of the time.
As a single woman there is absolutely no one making me feel special or like a queen or pampered. If I want to feel special, I have to take care of it myself. No one ever tells me that I am beautiful or special. Life is just me.
Being old and single makes it hard to be social. At church you are the only old single woman and while people are polite, you really don't have a lot in common with them. Most of your friends are married. Married people pretty much play with married people. While my friends love me, they often do married get togethers and I am out of place. It is hard to make friends as an old single woman. People tend to clump with others like them. As you age, you make friends through couples activities or things your kids are doing. As a single woman you are very, very out of place.
Single life is not at all the same as an older person as it is when you are in your 20s. Life shifts. It just happens. It is much, much sadder and harder to be single in your late 30s and beyond.


In a perfect world we would all have Prince Charming. He would ride up on his white charger and rescue us from the mundane. Life would be happy with no troubles. Our significant others would do what we want without us asking. In Woman Land that is what we expect- our men to read our minds and make life what we wnat it to be. Reality is so very different.

You are right. I do not know you or your husband. Only you can make the decision of how to run your life. But the idea that it will all be better on your own is a fallacy. It will be different. Maybe it will be better. Maybe not. There are no guarantees.

What I have been saying all along is that YOUR happiness is YOUR choice. No one else on the planet can make you happy or steal that happiness from you. Do I want to be single? Heck no. Am I happy with my life? Yes. After many, many long years of being angry and unhappy and bitter, I finally decided that unhappiness only affected me. It stressed me out, caused all sorts of health problems and didn't fix the problem. Would I like for Prince Charming to show up? Of course. We all want someone to love us. But Prince Charming or no Prince Charming, I control my emotional health. No one else can do that.

Your husband cannot make you happy. Kicking your husband out will not make you happy. Figure out what will and do that. Really your husband is secondary to all of this. Life IS too short to be unhappy. You are so very right about that. But it is unfair to blame all of that on your husband. By your own admission he is working hard to provide for you. I would bet that he is completely clueless about what you want and need (unless you have been very, very specific with him). Men think differently than women do.
Make yourself happy. Seriously, go pamper yourself. Find another SAHM and trade some time off. Take some interesting classes. Learn something new that has always interested you. Volunteer with a non-profit that interests you. You have poured yourself out into your family and you are empty. Go fill yourself back up. Only you can figure out what will make you happy. It cannot come from someone else though. You need to be happy with who you are because of who you are, not because of how someone else is treating you.

Again, I don't mean to be hateful. But I live the life you are seeing as golden and rosy and it is not what you think it will be. Leaving one man does NOT guarantee that another better model will show right up. If you leave, be prepared to go it on your own.

 

[Morri]

is it a possibility that he has seen you lost all this weight, seen you regain your confidence, see you becoming happier and healthier and then when he looks at himself he feels worthless and disgusted by himeself? thus he takes on the perception you could do better than him now so he has given up?

no i am not giving him an excuse to hide under, realtionships arent supposed to be simplistic, he needs to get up and work just as much as you did. what im saying is just maybe thats his opinion on how this is.......

they say the closer the relationship the more fighting is involved thats why poor mothers often get attacked by their children first....

no i dont think its wrong to have a crush while being married, its completely normal, but yes it is wrong to act upon this behind someone elses back....

anyway thats just what i thourght when reading your post, without writing an essay its just a few pionts that came to mind.... most of all, best of luck!