Gleaned from the OP's posts-
we just have nothing in common anymore...I think of how happy I "could" be sometimes, and I wonder if I "could" be happier
Again, happy isn't going to come from someone else. It will only come from inside you. You can be happier in the marriage you are currently in. This "happy" you have in your head is imaginary and has no basis in reality.
Definately want to state that it is NOT abusive. Just that, needs aren't met, and he has gone for counseling on past problems we have had. He refuses to go to counseling with me, makes excuses that the Dr. was not in etc... I don't think he has been fully honest with the Dr
I have tried to talk to him several times... he walks away. If he would just say "we will make it work" I would have more hope. He is fine with counseling on his own.. but together, he almost refuses.
So he is willing to go to counseling, just not joint counseling? He is unwilling to discuss this with you? I would guess that he feels threatened and is avoiding the situation. (IE If you don't talk about the problem, there is no problem.) Perhaps he is like most men and would rather rip his teeth out with pliers than talk about his personal life with a total stranger. Perhaps he is not comfortable with the doctor you have chosen. It sounds like your husband is not a communicative kind of guy. Was he like that when you married him? You cannot expect him to completely change personality just because it makes you unhappy.
My husband is nothing like the man I married. He was fun, spontaneous, had a great sense of humor. He changed so much. No more fun, no more spontaneous (well, thanks to the kids) I understand that
I dare say that your husband would say the same thing about you. It sounds like from what you have told us that every time he comes near you, you are wanting to talk about what is wrong or ask him why he won't go to counseling. He likely would say that you used to be fun and spontaneous and that now you are a drag and a nag. It is all about perspective. You clearly aren't as much fun as you were pre-children.
Its almost like I am waiting for my "prince charming" to come and take me away from all of this. I've never been treated like a "queen" and I wouldn't know where to even begin. But I do get a little envious of others and how they are able to pamper themselves from time to time. I feel like Cinderella sometimes, and hope there is a happy ending for me too
So you are waiting for the Disney ending to happen. Never mind that your husband is working his butt off all day long, you now expect him to come home and pamper you. Why can you not pamper yourself? Is there any reason that you can't go get a swell haircut or a mani/pedi? Money is tight. You aren't working. He is working long hours to pay the bills and he comes home tired. Oh yeah, the first thing on his mind is pampering you.
We have been through so much over the years and we have finally made time for each other. On Wednesday nights, we are on a bowling league. Its the only thing we have in common. I like to fish, he likes fantasy baseball. We give each other space to do the things we like to do, but never spent enough time together. I thought that would have changed.
We do go bowling together. Thats about the only hobby we share. We are both Yankee fans too. But, I will go to games with him and he won't go fishing with me or anything I like to do.
Where is it written in the marriage vows that your husband must spend all his time with you and enjoy all the same things? Why would you want everything in common? If you want to spend more time together, ask him to go do things with you. Explain that you miss spending time with just him (like you did when you were dating and before kids). Go for a walk since you are so concerned about his weight and health. Find an exercise that you can do together. Quit whining that he doesn't like to play your games and come up with games you can do together.
Neither of us are the same from when we got married.. I agree. But I think the difference is that I "grew up" and he didn't. He has no responsibilities other than working. I accept that, but I need a little too. I thought it was me when our problems started. After 3 kids, self esteem was low. I am 4 pounds lower than when we got married. Lost 22 pounds since May. I worked hard at the gym, and have watched what I ate. He gained 60 pounds since married and could care less. Physically, we are hurting too. I have the energy to keep up with the kids, etc.. He is now, lazy, and out of breath often, doesn't want to be bothered.
I wish I could ignite a fire under his butt to get some excercise. I guess his weight gain is putting a bit of a strain on us physically. I would never leave for this reason. Its the unwillingness to try that gets me, especially when I have worked so hard to make myself more pleasing to look at.
He has no responsibilities than working?! Wow. So you are doing all the house chores, yard chores, car maintenance, house maintenance, shopping, etc. All the man does is wake up, go to work and come home and go to bed. You do 100% of everything else. But wait, you say later in your threads that not only has be been working full time, he has been picking up overtime work. Have you ever worked a full time 40 hour plus job? It is exhausting. When you add to it all the family needs he is likely taking care of, the man is too tired to do everything you want.
The sad thing is.. he knows whats wrong and how I feel, and he won't change back to the man I married
Are you willing to turn back into the woman he married? I'm guessing you didn't make him feel like a fat slug when you first married. I'm guessing you were positive and upbeat and happy when you first married. I'm guessing you thought he hung the moon when you got married. I am guessing that you treated him in a positive way when you first married. Now what he gets is that he is fat and ugly, that he can't do anything right, that you cannot be pleased, that you can do better than him. Why on earth would the man want to spend any time at all around you? If you are feeling like this and you are already asking him to go to counseling he is very, very aware that you are not happy with him. He is resisting you because he thinks he can't win this game. He is not happy either and his way to deal with it is to avoid you and the situation.
This one pretty much sums it up-
My husband is 36 like me. I think its a little young to me going through a mid-life crisis. He has been working alot more, and I know he is tired. Maybe I am lonely sometimes too. With 3 kids, you can't be too lonely though. Money has played a part in all of this too.. We needed a new roof this year, garage door, his car's muffler fell off recently. His job has not offered overtime in over a year, and I guess we depended on the extra income. I have been out of work only a year (always worked part time) and its been hard. Money really isn't an issue as far as the "crush" goes.. I have no clue if the "crush" has any money or is in debt etc. I do not need a materialistic life, and am NOT high maintenence, so as long as my kids have what they need, I am good. So I think its just more "feelings" than wanting a better way of life. I just feel like someone else probably could treat me better.
Your husband, by your own admission, is working long hours. He is stressed because the house is needing repairs, the car is breaking, he isn't getting the hours he needs to pay the bills and he feels responsible for 100% of the family income. He has a wife and multiple children whose well being depends upon him completely. You feel that on top of all of this he should be treating you better. He should be pampering you when he comes home. You should be made to feel like a "queen". He should feel fun and spontaneous after work. He should be willing to go talk about his deepest feelings with a total stranger in the few hours that he isn't working. He should want to go and do and play with you when he gets home. He should want to go to the gym and work out so that he is fit and in shape. Never mind that he is showing his love to you by working hard and providing for you. Never mind that he has shown his love by going to counseling (something that very few men would do). Never mind that by your own admission you have been through a lot together. You are willing to throw all of this away because he doesn't make you happy. Wow. Just wow.
Let's look at the crush-
The funny part is that I have met this other person maybe twice in the past 2 or so years. Its not a friend or someone I work with etc..
I think its fun NOT knowing if this "crush" felt the same way. It may be highlighting all the problems in my marriage though. But I really do not know much about this other person. I don't know what he does for a living, or about his family life. This is why I wouldn't approach this. I could be MORE disappointed than before. I don't know exactly "why" this person has intrigued me, just did.
You know nothing about this guy. Absolutely nothing. He really is no different from a romance novel hero. And yet, people on here are encouraging you to leave your husband because of this imaginary man.
Being a single mom is not even remotely happy. Contrary to what many on here would like you to believe, Prince Charming doesn't always come riding up. You could throw away this marriage of 10+ years for a pipe dream all because you are not happy. Happiness is a choice. In fact, until you are happy within yourself no relationship will work out. You cannot rely on your husband to fill all of these needs. Change your attitude first and I bet your husband's attitude changes too. Right now he feels threatened. Right now he is hiding. Home is not a happy place for him either. He will never, ever be able to fulfill all that you need. Who says it is his responsibility? Why can't you fill some of those needs? Pamper yourself. Make yourself feel like a queen (Go read the Sweet Potato Queens books).
Leaving your husband WILL mean that your standard of living falls. Leaving your husband means that your children's lives will get harder. Leaving your husband DOES NOT guarantee that your life will be any happier. It just means that your life will be harder.
Trust me. I am old and single and out in that dating pool that you are contemplating entering. It is not a pretty place. You are in your mid to late 30s. You have multiple children. You WILL have to go back to work post divorce. You will not have time to date for starters. There are very few men out here in the dating pool. The few available mostly have your attitude. They want someone to take care of them and pamper them. Very few will want to take on a woman with small children. Most will expect you to look hot and yet will be in about the same physical shape as your husband. Men often don't see themselves as they are. They tend to see themselves as they were in their prime. YET, you will need to be slim, trim and athletic. Check out a few online dating sites if you really want to see what dating after the age of 35 is like. It is not sunshine, rainbows and happiness. It is heartbreaking and frustrating and often pointless. It will NOT make you happy.
I am not trying to be mean and hateful. I'm sure you are tired and lonely and unhappy. You are a stay at home mom and that is exhausting work. You are likely desperate for adult conversation. You want someone to tell you that you are interesting and beautiful. You want to feel like you did in your mid-20s. It sounds like you are in a small town with very few outlets. Leaving your husband is not going to change any of this. It will likely make it worse.
Do go to counseling yourself. It will help. Find an outlet that allows you to meet other interesting people. Keep looking for a job. If you change your attitude there is a strong chance that your husband will change his. The grass is NOT greener over here.
