Married BYCers

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I agree, if there is a serious argument going on - hashing it out all night long is sometimes silly - better to go to bed ANGRY and when you wake up it doesn't seem like such a HUGE issue to start off with.

I'm pretty sure I've gone to bed a little angry, but we have never continued the argument in the morning - ever!
 
Fight fair: don't say things in the heat of anger that are only meant to hurt the other person. Don't bring up past mistakes or fights; leave the past in the past. Learn to bite your tongue and let it go (I learned this from dh who is much better about it that I).

Talk about money. Find out what your spouse's spending habits are before you get married. Discuss how you intend to handle working and parenthood. Talk about who stays home with the kid, and if both work what you expect to pay for daycare.

Be prepared to either ignore your parents or tell them to butt out, make sure your spouse is ready to do the samething. Don't run to mom or dad when there is a fight and badmouth your spouse.

Make sure you are both in the same place in regard to children. If someone really wants or doesn't want children you probably will not be able to change their mind. Think about what your childcare situation might be. Don't have children to solve marital issues, kids only create more issues.

Learn to forgive. No one is perfect. Remember that when your spouse's quirks are driving you crazy. You have quirks, and your spouse deals with them. Forgive yourself and your spouse when you screw up.

Don't let yourself get into situations where attraction to someone other than your spouse can get you into trouble. You will be attracted to other people, crushes are okay. Make sure they don't go further.

Be realistic. Living with another person is hard and there will be ups and downs. The key is to remember the ups, and work from there.

Don't be in a rush to marry. If the love is real the wedding can wait.

Edited to add: married in 1987, working toward 21 years
 
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Make sure you know each other pretty well first! Go on a road trip or vacation together to see how it feels to be together 24/7.
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Try not to sweat the small stuff.

When you have kids, BE ON THE SAME PARENTING PAGE! I have seen more than one set of friends have their marriage become an enormous struggle because they can't agree on how to parent and discipline the kids. If and when you don't agree, NEVER let the kids know you disagree!!! If they know, they will play you like a fiddle.
 
RESPECT is the most important thing. If you don't respect your spouse and their values and they don't respect you and yours, true love will never happen. People that love each other should never ridicule each other's values.

You don't have to always like someone to still love them.

You are a team - present a united front. If you believe it's you and your spouse together against the world everything will be much easier to handle.

Live a little before you tie yourself down with marriage. Once you settle down, life starts to happen fast (marriage, mortgage, kids, etc). If you always wanted to travel to Africa, do it before you get married.

Understand that everybody needs their own space, time and hobbies. You can't be on top of each other 24 hours a day. Time apart and time with your own friends and activities is healthy for a marriage.

Watch how your spouse treats animals - its a good indicator of how they'll treat your children (this is what Maria Shriver's dad told her when she started dating Arnold)

Don't take yourself so seriously. Being able to laugh at yourself will spare you a lot of grief.

(Married 13 years)
 
I really do agree with others that it IS ok to go to bed mad. There are times that an agrument cannot be settled, maybe ever, so why fight all night long. Wildsky is right - I have gone to bed mad, but have never carried the argument through. There are times to agree to disagree on things.
 
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Thats a good test of the relationship - to continue to love when you can't agree on something, to find a way to get past it and continue - because its not the end of the world.

My hubby didn't like the way I folded his laundry. Not a problem, I didn't need to change my ways, and he now gets his laundry the way he wants it - he does it ALL now. Suits me just fine!
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We share the load of household chores, even though I'm home all day (I work at home part time) he still does his share and the laundry is part of that.

We also understand that we have good days and bad days, some days he comes home really grumpy - he doesn't take it out on us, and I give him time alone to get over it. (he goes to the basement, works out, watches tv or whatever)

Somedays I know he's having a bad day - I'll do all the chores outside, animal feeding etc. (before he gets home from work) He'll do the same for me on weekends and let me sleep late or take a nap in the afternoon. Its all about respecting and always doing a little extra.
 
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HAHAHA Wildsky - GREAT compromise. My darling never complains about the laundry, the meals, the shape of the house, etc., His beefs are either too silly to comment on like "Who moved the chair in the computer room and why???" or more cerebral and we can talk about it and not fight. He is a very intelligent man.
 
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LOL if you did all that for me I wouldn't complain either!
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You're welcome over anytime!
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Hey on the flip side, he cleans the coop, gardens the entire well planted acre of land and mows the lawn, washes the cars, and keeps our computers running. I believe it is a very fair division of duties.
 
pips&peeps :

Make sure you like the inlaws. If there are problems before the marriage they will continue.

I say it's a deal breaker.......

I concur. In-laws can be a huge mess.​
 

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