my best friend is a flake

[chickensducks&agoose]

I sent her an email today, with the warning signs of a controlling relationship... literally, practically word for word what she's told me... she read it, and said, "No, I don't think he's doing any of these things."

I'm sick of telling her that he's a bad dude, because all it is accomplishing is to teach her that she can't trust me... because already, she values her 'idea' of their relationship more than she values mine?

anyway, if/when I get that cat, if she doesn't come and get him by the 'date', and if I don't totally love him, I'll drive him on down to redhen. I promise.

 

[redhen]

 

[Orchid]

chickensducks&agoose :

I sent her an email today, with the warning signs of a controlling relationship... literally, practically word for word what she's told me... she read it, and said, "No, I don't think he's doing any of these things."

I'm sick of telling her that he's a bad dude, because all it is accomplishing is to teach her that she can't trust me... because already, she values her 'idea' of their relationship more than she values mine?

anyway, if/when I get that cat, if she doesn't come and get him by the 'date', and if I don't totally love him, I'll drive him on down to redhen. I promise.

I went through that several years ago with a close family member. It was not fun. My heart goes out to you...and your friend. Because eventually, she's going to need a friend again. In a big way.​

 

[welsummerchicks]

It's not at all unusual for a person to be completely blind about what they're doing. You can tell them all you want - they won't get it. Sure, tell them, you'll feel good about doing so, but more than likely, it will not change a thing.

Here is the bottom line: if you get into the habit of rescuing people, your life will ALSO have constant crises - such as your non cat loving husband being inflicted with a cat when he comes back from serving our country.

Helping other people actually is very, very difficult, it's like grabbing an egg and well, getting egg all over your face. Even professionals get burned out, and don't always know what to do or how the person will react. Bailing out people who get themselves into bad relationships, tends to be a dead end, but it also tends to be very, very difficult to do without getting... egg all over you.

If you're going to help, go in knowing what you can potentially lose....but don't be as blind as she's being. You take the cat, you also take responsibility for her and getting yourself involved in ways you may not like. You give the cat to redhen, she comes storming back wanting to know where the cat is, the boyfriend is mad at you for taking the cat...or more...

 

[SallyF]

Tell her to kiss the cat good-bye and get it to Redhen, who wants it. I don't care what she paid for it; she doesn't care enough to keep it now that she's in love with Dirtbag who would like to kill it. Cats are not balls to be bounced around whenever convenient. The cat deserves a loving permanent home, not one with someone who thinks so little of it.
From a cat-lover

 

[Judy]

Quote:
X2. Do her a favor, don't take the cat. Best if she'd move where he can't find her, hopefully.

 

[Louieandthecrew]

If she's so worried about the cat, tell her that you won't take it, and with that boyfriend of hers around that precious cat is going to get hurt. Those breeds of cat are VERY expensive and rare. So, even more of a reason to get rid of her boyfriend so that her cat won't get hurt. This is the kind of guy that you don't want to be around.

 

[BWKatz]

Had a BF of 12 yrs.Went thru 3 abortions( I would never have one) and 3 marriages with 2 children with her.She was so sick with last child, I took care of both of them. Shortly after, she started having excuses not to get together but still had time for other soccer moms. I finally realized that I had been used enough. Haven't spoken to her since(1o yrs). She has now divorced 3rd husband and engaged again in less than a year. Time to realize u have been used enough too and drop ur friend. You could take the cat & give to Redhen. I know this sounds harsh but u really have been taken advantage of. JMHO

 

[JustAChickenLittle&More]

I think if he hates her cat, and "is afraid to kill it", I would be calling someone to take him away instead of my cat. In a hurry.

 

[bibkel]

NO NO NO!!! He is controlling her, she is co-dependant.....she needs to work on that, but in the meantime, if you take the cat you are condoning his behavior. You would not actually be helping. That may make it easier for her to marry him.....and have babies....and then like my baby's daddy decide he doesn't like her...and believe me, she is now 13 and he is trying to get her to like him. No go. (we are waaaay divorced. he only wanted the first one, but the second one was colicky and he avoided her at all costs...even when she was the sweetest 5 year old alive).

No do not take the cat, and let her know you are there for her when she drops the bad apple, but until then it hurts you too much to see her going through this with him so you are going to bow out until she is single again. She will either stay with him and let YOUR relationship go....which will hurt but may be needed....OR she will drop him to keep you.

If she chooses him, she is not a good enough friend for you(who was willing to take a CAT to make her happy even though it would disrupt your personal situation) Good friends do these things for each other, but they also have to know when to put your foot down and make the uncomfortable choice to NOT help, cuz that may be the BEST way to help.


I am sorry you are in this position, it sucks. (all the above is said in love, and based on experience)