My husband left me and the kids.

[cassie]

Having grown up in an alcoholic household I can tell you this. Kids, no matter how small deserve the truth. Don't sugarcoat the facts. You don't have to be brutal either. Go ahead and tell them daddy is an alcoholic, that alcoholism is an illness and that daddy doesn't want treatment yet. Tell them that some people can tolerate alcohol and some people can't. If you just tell them he has an illness they may come to the conclusion that daddy has been banished because he is sick. As soon as they are old enough the kids also need to be made aware of the fact that there is a strong hereditary component in the development of alcoholism. In other words they may be wise to abstain.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

I've only read the first page, but I have to say the 8 year old is NOT too young to be told what is going on. What he/she is imagining is probably far, far worse, and he/she is also likely blaming him/herself, as well as you and the ten year old and everything else. I am not saying you need to give gut-wrenching details, but you do need to say that Daddy is an alcoholic, and it is a condition that no one can control but Daddy. He must want help before he can get it.

Then get yourself to al-anon and call to find out if your kids are old enough for your local alateen programs.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
I think that idea could go 2 different ways. I agree that she shouldn't tarnish Daddy's name to the kids but should she lie to them? I don't think so.
It would be like saying, "No, Daddy isn't a mean alcoholic. He only drinks AFTER work and he doesn't always tell Mommy that she's the reason he drinks. Sometimes Mommy's just useless. But don't worry, I'm sure deep down, Daddy is a good guy and doesn't know what he's saying."

I agree that she should tell them that Daddy will always love them. But I also think they should know that he is sick (with alcoholism or just a disease, which it is I think....) and needs to get some help before he can get better again.

Telling them what he is sick with is up to the OP but I do think she should be as honest with them as possible. Wouldn't want them growing up knowing Daddy's an alcoholic and Mommy is a liar. Who would they trust after that?

Editted to fix typos...


That is still not being honest. Saying Daddy is an alcoholic, and giving some information about alcoholism is appropriate. Explaining that alcohol can control mood, especially when taken in excess or over prolonged periods is appropriate. Saying that Daddy needs help that Mommy (and hs children) cannot give is appropriate. Saying he is a drunk who doesn't take care of his family, and blames Mommy for his own stupid lack of responsibility would be far over the top, and not appropriate.

 

[TinyChickenLady]

Quote:
Good point. I didn't think of that.

 

[TinyChickenLady]

Quote:

That is still not being honest. Saying Daddy is an alcoholic, and giving some information about alcoholism is appropriate. Explaining that alcohol can control mood, especially when taken in excess or over prolonged periods is appropriate. Saying that Daddy needs help that Mommy (and hs children) cannot give is appropriate. Saying he is a drunk who doesn't take care of his family, and blames Mommy for his own stupid lack of responsibility would be far over the top, and not appropriate.

LoL I was being sarcastic. I totally agree with you.

 

[Evelle]

Alright im going to tell you this from the kids pont of view..


i am 27 years old.. i had an alcholic as a father. he was more into getting high and drunk and having sex with other woman then his own family. Now my mother and father havent been together since i was 4 but these images burned into my memory forever. many many times i have seen my father come home drunk/high yelling at my mother. i hate HATE LOATH yelling to this day.. i cant handle it. it makes me shut down. he would dissapear for days to come home with burses on his neck. (now i know they were hickies) and would blame my mother for these things "the reason he is the way he is" he made his choice that the bottle was more important then my mother and two brothers and I.

its not healthy for your kids to see this! i say cut your loss and get away from him.. he made his choice. and obiviously hes been given way to many chances.. someday he will see what the bottle did to his life maybe not.
i know my father still lives in a dream world where nothing is his falt. hopefully he doesnt figure it out before its to late.

your kids may miss him but some day they might hate him. they are alot older then i was. so maybe can understand more then i could.

i cant beleave youve stayed for this long.. im very sorry that he is struck down by this disease but unless he loses everything he wont change. this disease is a horrable horrable one it tares familys apart. hurts kids, wives, husbands.. but please dont let your kids deal with this!
if he doesnt want help.. harsh to say but he might as well be dead to you.. (thats what he really is with this desease)

go find a man who loves you!! who loves your kids!! who puts you and them first in his life start fresh.
im so sorry..

this is a disease just like cancer! the longer you have it go untreated the more devistating it is!!

god bless!!

 

[geebs]

Seek an al anon group for yourself and your family.... It affects you far more than you realize. You have to understand your role here and it is the best way.... Plus there are a bunch of resources available to you and your family by ppl just waiting to love you through this... Good luck friend.

Jan

In your writeup in page one it sounds like you are blaming him... I understand the need to do that... but Alcohol is to blame.... you need to go see what this means for you... otherwise you will likely fall back into same misunderstanding... You need to find your strength with ppl around you that will help you see through this fog... I am sure your husband loves you....

 

[SillyChicken]

that really s***s!

He left you a long time ago for what was in that bottle. To say such hateful things to you and not come home. He'd never be allowed back in my house! Hope you can work things out for you and your kids.

 

[effie]

was married to one for 8 years with children---they will ALWAYS be an alcoholic--drunk or sober. He did all the things these other posters talked about. I say don't walk---RUN!!! move on for you and your kids. they already know more than you think.

 

[seminolewind]

Been there done that. 95% of what he said was lies. He would say anything to keep things to his liking (I don't know if I would still love you without drinking)!!!

The final straw, after 11 years, was my 9 year old daughter. I suddenly realized that continuing on like this was teaching my daughter that it's okay to live like this.