My husband left me and the kids.

[they'reHISchickens]

I am 12 years out of a marriage with a functional alcoholic. I stayed because I loved him and had 5 kids. Best thing I ever did was initiate the divorce and follow through. My trigger? My 18 yr old daughter telling a friend's mom about her "biological father" who was never there for her. You can't fool the kids. If the 10 year old has figured it out, the 8 yr old isn't far behind and they may be talking when you don't know it.
The kids deserve peace and the ability to live without that disruption. They deserve to know that life isn't always walking on eggshells. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the kids. They will thank you sooner than you think.
It won't be easy and he will make it hell for you because you are his crutch that he can blame.
On the bright side, there is a light after the tunnel and you will find it!

 

[TinyChickenLady]

You have more patience than I do for such things.
First of all, yes, tell the 8 year old because it's true what others say. He is coming up with much worse in his head or is blaming himself. Neither is good for a child.
Second of all, I stayed in an alcoholic relationship for only 3 years and that was enough abuse for me to get out and tell him "If you contact me again, the cops will be called on you. Again." So please, for your kids' sakes, don't go back into something that made you feel so down. It isn't healthy for any of you. Even the alcoholic. That's like telling him it's okay to drink.
And finally, I sure hope he didn't say any of those things to you in front of the kids or I'll be the first on a place, tracking his butt down!

 

[KatGold]

Count your blessings, learn what you can about your own strength and ability to do what is in your best interest, remember that you are not one person--you are three and you must care for all three of you, move on, and be strong.

By picking up the pieces and moving on, you are teaching your daughters how to stand up for themselves. You do not want them to repeat this mess.

Mourn the loss of what you had and what the future should have held for you, but recognize that the real future with this man was going to be something far from what you expected. Recognize that your daughters would not have benefited from learning what a man should be like by watching their father. You need to teach them what a real man is, not him.

He disgraced you. Teach your daughters that they should never accept that. And know it for yourself too.

Time heals. You will heal too.

I wish the very best for you and your girls.

 

[chickened]

Your relationship to your husband is just that, YOUR relationship, the relationship of your husband to the kids is their relationship and that relationship is salvageable. I would not tell the kids anymore than you have to do not destroy their love for their daddy by painting him in a negative way. He may have drinking issues and may be treating you badly but I bet he still loves his kids and the worst thing for a kid is to have an image or belief that one of their parents do not love them. I would be very cautious as to what/how you relate your husband to the kids. When the kids are older they will figure out if he is good or bad. Even after divorces kids need a mommy AND a daddy. So sorry.

Every child comes to a point in their life when they realize mommy or daddy are not perfect. I do not think 8 and 10 years old is the right age to project that image on your kids. In other words do not bad mouth your husband in front of the kids or tell them all the details. Don't grow them up to quick.

 

[Chuckles1330]

Having grown up with an alcoholic mother, I have to agree that being honest with your 8 yr old is the best route to take. I was the oldest child and shielded my younger sister from the bulk of the fallout of our mother's illness - in retrospect, not necessarily the best action. Mom quit drinking when my father said he would leave if she didn't. The day he died she started drinking again, and it was a shock to my sister when she finally realized that Mom had a problem.

Know this won't be an easy road - and agree that it is ok to love him, but not his illness. Try to find local support for yourself and your family through al-anon or a similiar organization. Will keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers.

 

[sheila3935]

I left my ex when my kids were 8 and 13. My ex was not an alcoholic he was bi polar and wouldnt take meds. I talked to my girls first. Told them I would stay if thats what they wanted but both even the 8 year old knew how he was and wanted to be away from him. They still for awhile visited him b ut that stopped after he remarried and told them he really didnt want them around anymore. My dad was an alcoholic, so I kinow firsthand what its like to be a kid of one. Dont get me wrong I loved my dad we made our peace when I became an adult and he was a wonderful grandpa. My dad did do things with me like taking me fishing which always involved him drinking a few beers the stopping at the tavern for a few more before going home then the fights with mom would start. We moved alot due to the money getting spent where it shouldnt have and not where it should have. I never had friends over when we lived somewhere long enough to make friends cause I didnt want them to see my dad drunk and my parents fight about it. I never told my parents how I felt didnt figure it would do any good. So the point I am making is kids know they may not say anything for fear of making it worse but they know. Its not a pretty and happy childhood either. I dont blame my parents now I guess they did the best they ould with what they had to deal with and I know my dad drank because my mom is schzophrenic. But you cant save him you cant change him you can still love him but really for your sanity and your childrens you really cant stay with him. Lean on God. He was always there for me and still is. Stay strong for your kids. Talk to them. Tell them your dad still loves you he just cant show it right now and its not their fault cause believe me they will think that. I am prying for strength for you and for God to touch his heart if nothing else for his kids.

for you and your girls

 

[TinyChickenLady]

Quote:
I think that idea could go 2 different ways. I agree that she shouldn't tarnish Daddy's name to the kids but should she lie to them? I don't think so.
It would be like saying, "No, Daddy isn't a mean alcoholic. He only drinks AFTER work and he doesn't always tell Mommy that she's the reason he drinks. Sometimes Mommy's just useless. But don't worry, I'm sure deep down, Daddy is a good guy and doesn't know what he's saying."

I agree that she should tell them that Daddy will always love them. But I also think they should know that he is sick (with alcoholism or just a disease, which it is I think....) and needs to get some help before he can get better again.

Telling them what he is sick with is up to the OP but I do think she should be as honest with them as possible. Wouldn't want them growing up knowing Daddy's an alcoholic and Mommy is a liar. Who would they trust after that?

Editted to fix typos...

 

[moodlymoo]

***I DIDNT READ ALL THE PAGES BEFORE POSTING***

I am going through something very close to you. It has a lot of the same aspects and I feel you you and your bebes. When it came to telling the younger ones (I have 4) I told them dad made some bad choices and was going to not be with us any longer. That I couldnt allow his bad choices to hurt you guys but most of all we needed to pray for daddy. It is so hard to deal with this stuff, it has only been OMG

a month today for me and I feel like I am having more bad days then good again but this is what is best for you and your kiddos. It has nothing to do with you at all, that is how they justify their issues. I filed divorce papers last week because he left me in such financial turmoil I cant pay my bills, having a hard time putting food on the table, and just had a major surgery, but mostly because I have to be a good mom and being a good mom means protecting the ones who cant make the hard choices for themselves. You have to protect those kids and part of doing that is having to make these difficult choices. Whos to say that years down the road after much counseling, treatment for addictions, and healing you may be able to be a family again but for now it isnt working out.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more, I am told it helps to have a person to talk with and I am finding it is easier to talk with someone who isnt invested in the relationship like your mom, family, so on because they want to protect you and sometimes you need someone who isnt going to bash him. This is a hard time and Im not going to say "its ok, it will get better" because now is not the time to hear that...my advice is cry, cry as much as you can, do it in front of the kids, they need to see emotions are ok and it is time to be sad.

 

[chickened]

I would not beg the question with them but answer them cautiously and let them ask first. I think they will realise he is not there and when they attend school functions and such the kids will want to brag up thier dad kids are that way and all I am saying to the OP is do not go in that direction. Sying something in this manner would be an example; "Daddy is going to live by himself for a while you can visit him" skip the details, I
"I really do not know why" is an honest answer.
Quote:
I think that idea could go 2 different ways. I agree that she shouldn't tarnish Daddy's name to the kids but should she lie to them? I don't think so.
It would be like saying, "No, Daddy isn't a mean alcoholic. He only drinks AFTER work and he doesn't always tell Mommy that she's the reason he drinks. Sometimes Mommy's just useless. But don't worry, I'm sure deep down, Daddy is a good guy and doesn't know what he's saying."

I agree that she should tell them that Daddy will always love them. But I also think they should know that he is sick (with alcoholism or just a disease, which it is I think....) and needs to get some help before he can get better again.

Telling them what he is sick with is up to the OP but I do think she should be as honest with them as possible. Wouldn't want them growing up knowing Daddy's an alcoholic and Mommy is a liar. Who would they trust after that?

Editted to fix typos...

 

[TinyChickenLady]

Quote:
I think that idea could go 2 different ways. I agree that she shouldn't tarnish Daddy's name to the kids but should she lie to them? I don't think so.
It would be like saying, "No, Daddy isn't a mean alcoholic. He only drinks AFTER work and he doesn't always tell Mommy that she's the reason he drinks. Sometimes Mommy's just useless. But don't worry, I'm sure deep down, Daddy is a good guy and doesn't know what he's saying."

I agree that she should tell them that Daddy will always love them. But I also think they should know that he is sick (with alcoholism or just a disease, which it is I think....) and needs to get some help before he can get better again.

Telling them what he is sick with is up to the OP but I do think she should be as honest with them as possible. Wouldn't want them growing up knowing Daddy's an alcoholic and Mommy is a liar. Who would they trust after that?

Editted to fix typos...


Well yes, I would wait for them to ask questions but I don't have the heart to lie to children.
For example, when they go to get a shot and ask "will it hurt?" are you going to say NO and then have them find out the hard way that "Mom/Dad lied about a little shot, what else will they lie about?" Instead, I tell them that yes, it's gonna hurt a little but only for a minute and it's not that bad. It's not a lie and they'll come out smiling because they knew what to expect.

I'm not saying she should go and say "Daddy's a mean drunk and I hate him and you should too!"
No. She should tell them that he is sick and needs some help that she can't give him and he can't be around for the time being and that he still loves them no matter what. Then field questions from there.

It's not a difficult concept to grasp but some parents find it so hard NOT to lie to their kids in order to make them feel better. But it's okay for a child to feel less than exstatic sometimes. They should learn about emotions and real life. Not all at once and not in a way that will send them into shock but they should learn things. This is one of them. Doesn't mean they have to hate him. They just have to know him.