My husband left me and the kids.

[6chickens in St. Charles]

I HAVENT READ THE WHOLE THREAD EITHER, please forgive me if this has already been posted:

I attended alanon as a 9 year old, then alateen for a few years.

To this day, I have learned "I never have to accept unacceptable behavior", which I have passed on to my children, and to many many people in my care as a fully functional RN.

Another RN joked, "90% of RN's are products of alcoholic parents"

, so consider your kids, if they learn the coping skills appropriate to living with (and without) alcoholism, just MAY wind up in a lucritave, solid career path, highly employable with many a prayer in their pocket from learning how to deal with difficult people and their difficult lives. Alanon can teach your family very good things

Prayers to you.

God grant me the SERENITY
To accep the things I cannot change,
The COURAGE to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Amen
(The serenity prayer, a cornerstone of Alcoholics Anonymous)

 

[sheila3935]

Quote:
I know what you mean by shutting down. I do the same thing. I cant, wont argue, scream or fight. Makes me physically ill. Thats a part of growing up in that atmostphere.

 

[weesy68]

Right now it's not going to seem like it, but one day soon you'll realize that your life is finally peaceful. You've been unhappy for a long time yourself on some level. Alcoholics are no fun to live with whatsoever. My own father is a drinker and becomes a bully and picks on me in particular, to this day, even though I am 43. I have often asked my mother why she chose him over my brother and I, it often felt like she put him first, which left me feeling insecure for a very long time. Your kids don't need the insecurity of living with someone they can't trust to be stable.

Your kids will be happier. They will figure it out on their own fast enough that you are the reliable one. My other concern for you, is does he drink and drive, especially with the kids in the car?

Be kind to yourself, he has made some terribly hurtful comments, don't let it demoralize you. That's his guilt talking, he knows darn well he shouldn't be behaving the way he is. Just continue being a good mom, hold your head up high, and have a good cry when the kids are at school. They are relying on you to be the strong one right now. Tell them the truth, in small doses, on a need to know basis. The teen years will be upon you very soon, and you'll be so glad this happened when it did, what kind of a role model will he be when you are trying to teach your kids about the dangers of alcohol and drugs?

Good luck, keep us posted on how you are doing. There's a lot of people thinking good thoughts on your behalf right now.

 

[lowry075]

I will pray for you and yours. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. If he can't be a good daddy and husband, it is probably better this way. I wish you comfort and strength.

 

[Evelle]

Quote:
BINGO!!!!

 

[Mattemma]

I would not take him back unless he did inpatient rehab,and then intensive counseling for his addiction. My dad was/is a drunk,and I was so happy when my mom divorced him when I was 10.It was super hard but we were way better off. You and the kids will be OK. Stay strong. Hugs and prayers.

 

[leemadison11]

I shall pray for you and your family's well being. May you have a great life ahead.

 

[TheHalfWayCoop]

I am so sorry that happened and that he's putting your family through that. You are so right, you can't love someone who would do that to their family. You just have to keep on keeping on, you'll do great, and maybe one day you'll be happy it came down to this

 

[CrazyFowlFreak]

I've only gotten to post 33 or so.
I did tell the oldest and middle what is the problem. The oldest is 18 and understood and has seen him in action, etc. The middle is 10 and I told her that Dad has a disease and she knew right away which one, even told me they learned about it in school. Told both the middle and youngest (he's 8) that Dad is having problems right now and is making decisions that aren't the best, but that he still loves all of us. That he needs time alone and it wasn't anyone's fault but his own. I will not say anything negative about him to them because I cannot imagine what they're going through missing him, they don't need to hear what a jerk he is right now.

He is a functional alcoholic, never drinks during the day, only at night, etc. This aside, I never had the first complaint about him, he was a wonderful husband and alright father, didn't have alot of patience with the kids in these past few months. On top of the drinking, he's bipolar and on meds that are making him get more drunk. Ugh. I'm just so disgusted with him. Real men don't up and leave their family, or refuse marriage counseling, etc. But he's made his choice and I hope he's happy.

Things are alright at the house. The kids are actually more relaxed because DH was so moody that we no longer have to walk on eggshells and they can play and be loud and be kids again. I don't have to kiss his arse to keep him from being moody. I don't have to remind him to do something a hundred times. I actually have more peace now and am sleeping better than I have in years. Now I don't have to sleep with one eye open in case he got so drunk he did something stupid, or worry about waking up in a puddle of his pee.

I have an appointment with a lawyer today, so that will be good. We'll file the temporary support, child support, spousal support paperwork, and the financial statements. He will have to fess up to cleaning out our bank accounts and will eventually have to pay me back for that. I'd like to change the locks on the house, but I don't think that's legal here, I'll ask today. I don't even know how to do that if I can, though.

And I have to take pics of all of my chickens because I can't carry the water bucket down to them in one trip or haul feed bags or afford to feed them all since he dumped us. He did a lot of things around here for me because I have Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis that I can't do for myself. I'm managing but it's been hard.

Thank you all for the continued support, it really means so much to me to hear your kind words and advice.

Edit:
I will NOT allow him to come home. I will NOT go back to him. He's done a lot of emotional damage to me and the kids (that isn't apparent yet) and I'm done living that life. Alcohol is a terrible thing for those who cannot control themselves. I tried to go to an Alanon meeting last night, went to the appointed place and no one was there so I called the contacts and they sad there weren't enough people to continue having it.

I'll have to find another one in a different town. I will go, though, for sure. They even have online meetings, so if I cannot find a live meeting, I'll do that.

 

[ginbart]

IMO, because I have been where your at, you tell the children what's in your heart. Let them know that alcoholism is an illness and that daddy doesn't know he has it yet. You know your children best and all the advice your getting here may help and it may not. Let them know they can ask you anything they want this way they know they can come to you with questions. Never once did I say a bad thing about my childrens father to the children. He was their dad and they grew up without one because of his illness.

I have learned. I was not to blame for his drinking. He could not control how much he drank and he never stopped. It killed him. We had many fights over him taking the children in the car. Someone else had to be driving and I didn’t care if he was drinking at the time or not and someone else had to be driving them back to me or he would not get them again. I would have someone watching where he lived and if they saw him driving with the kids they were to call the police. He never did.

You hold your head up high, anyone that lives with an alcoholic is a strong person. Go and file for child support, they are his children and if he is working he needs to help take care of them. Pray for him and ask the children to pray for him. Some day you will meet a man that you will love and see what real love and life is about, Or your DH may get the help he needs and see he has a illness. I hope he has never hit you or the kids if he has file a protection of abuse against him. Things may get worse if you don’t allow him back in the house. If he comes to the house drunk please call someone to be with you or call the police. My ex was a mean 6 foot 6 inch drunk, I am 5’3”. After I realized I could not change him I left him.

God be with you and your children.