Need an ear, and maybe some relationship advice.

[mommyofthreewithchicks]

mom'sfolly :

I'm going to suggest something. It will sound strange, but I think it might give you the perspective you need.

You rarely see him, you text him, and never talk...so, break up with him mentally. In your head, move him to the friend category. Any interaction with him, consider him just another friend. But, DON"T TELL HIM. Just make a mental break. See if your perspective on him changes. Is he a friend you would continue to spend time with? Is he someone you would be attracted to? Let yourself be open to other encounters. If someone asks you out, for a casual date, or even or a more formal date, go. This guy isn't going to notice. He's not going to notice that you are unavailable. If you want to go out with friends, go dancing, go to a movie, do it. You can invite him if you want, but if he doesn't want to go, go yourself.

This man is so into himself, he's not even going to notice the mental break...but you will. This will be very freeing. Do not lock yourself into a life with a killjoy.

I guess I would break up with him before going on a date with anyone else. I had an old boyfriend see other people while we were going out, it really hurt when I found out he did that without being honest with me.​

 

[BusyBlonde]

m.kitchengirl :

I think it is important to find a man who treats you right when he ISN'T in the dog house. If he is behaves when put on notice, to me that is almost worse than never being good to me at all.
Good love is consistent, not trotted out for show when company comes, or you pack your bags.
Good love is reliable.

X2. Very well put.​

 

[chickened]

Something for the OP to think about. You owe this guy nothing, you have given him way more than he has given you. If the guy is depressed it is of no consequence to you he has put himself in that position and he must take himself out of that position, he has made some bad choices in his life as you have and you now have the chance to make better choices.

Do not let anyone lead you down the road of despair, him or anyone for that matter. You should not feel guilty for his sake you are the clear thinker here he is self absorbed in the video world and you would be wasting your time on him, let him figure it out on his own that is how we really learn anyhow by our mistakes.

 

[eenie114]

Well, if I were in your shoes, I'd throw the ring at his TV while he was gaming and walk out the door with my suitcase.

But that's just my way of doing things. A sort of "temporary breakup" seems like it could be an option. Sit down, talk it out, (unplug the computer and TV and hide the gaming consoles, if you have to) and set a period of time where you were no longer "together". You can both just be single or meet other people. At the end of that time you could go out to dinner or somewhere else you can talk, and decide if you're happier apart. If either one of you is happier, mutually decide to call it quits.

Anybody feel free to chime in and say that I have a TERRIBLE idea.

 

[EweSheep]

I really love Mom's Folly's suggestion!

 

[Nonny]

Animalian, the more you write about this guy the less I like him.

I'm going to be blunt here.

Does this unworthy even know how you have your coffee? Does he know the names of your best friends? Can you even imagine lying in bed on a Sunday morning all sleepy and relaxed and smiling at him as he brings you breakfast in bed just because he loves you?

If the two of you were forced to spend an entire weekend together without tv/internet/games/other people, would you spend it having meaningful conversations, playing board games, going for walks, enjoying each others company..... or would you be sitting in your respective corners waiting for Monday to roll around so you get back to doing what you enjoy with people you like?

I think you have all your answers, and I also think he doesn't warrant even half of the guilt you might feel over letting him go. He's not worthy of you. You deserve better. You need to euthanase the relationship rather than wait for it to die a long and painful death.

 

[frostbite]

If you are a Christian, or are willing to consider a spiritual path to healing, I can tell you where to go to get some help and comfort.

If you aren't, ignore the rest of this post.

Celebrate Recovery is a Christian recovery program for people who are dealing with all sorts of hurts, habits and hang-ups, including relationship issues, grief, depression, codependency, insecurity, loneliness, just about any past hurt, hang-up, or habit (including drug/alcohol/other addiction) that is getting in the way of your contentment. There are people there who will listen to you without judgement, and support you through this transition in your life. About 70% of the people who attend CR are not alcoholics or drug addicts, they are people who fit into that "other hurts, habits, and hang-ups" category. There is a program in Puyallup, and another in Auburn. You could look them up at www.celebraterecovery.com; on the upper right corner of the menu bar there is a "Group Finder" tab. I have seen lives changed by this ministry. It's usually offered on Friday nights, it usually includes dinner, a large group meeting that has some time for worship and some time for learning about the recovery steps and principles. There are also small groups, gender specific, so you'd only be spilling your guts to other women. There's usually a fellowship time. They value confidentiality. They offer step studies, a small group you can join that commits to meeting every week for up to a year to go through 4 workbooks, working through the 12 steps. It's really a wonderful thing that those 12 steps aren't just for alcoholics anymore; they are a remarkable tool for growth and empowerment, and for finding inner peace.

And it's free.

Good luck and God bless!

 

[mom'sfolly]

The OP is in Australia. I'm not sure something in Puyallup or Auburn would do here any good. Did you mean to post on another thread.

I also don't think she needs a counseling group. She needs the courage to make the change she knows is right.

 

[zzGypsy]

late to the discussion here, but I'll add a few things...

Quote:
I often feel it is an act. Because one moment he'll have big issues with doing something "be all shy" or scared to do something in public. But he's the manager at his work and will confront people he doesn't know.

I also think he games because he gets a sense of achievement from it. More than he does from real life.

because of your relationship with him, and because you're not a trained professional, you're not in a position to know if he's got a real psych problem. he could probably benefit from a professional diagnosis - you can't do that. he may have an actual problem. he may not. *regardless* he is what he is. change is extremely unlikely unless he is MASSIVELY motivated to change. most people aren't, and he's not showing any signs of motivation.
or that he even detects that there's a problem.
that's not promissing in terms of different behavior in the future.

what you see is generally what you get.

you cannot marry what you want a person to be. or what you hope they'll be. or what they could be. you can only marry what they are.

do not marry his potential, or his possibilities. or your history with him. when you're 85, what you'll have had is 62 years of living with what he *actually*IS*.

I've got two divorces to prove it. do not marry fantasy and hope. marry a man who IS ALREADY someone you can make a life with. I can tell you it works much, much better.

the idea that love is enough is wrong... you can love a person and not be able to make a life with them. what you describe is not a life.

-----------

think about it this way...

imagine yourself when you're as old as you ever expect to be. from that old old age, look back at your life with this guy... is that the life you want?
how satisfied are you, looking back on a lifetime of living with him as he is?

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or think about it this way...

I didn't see in this thread anywhere if you're planning on having kids. if you are, consider this...

given how uninvolved he is with you already (doesn't do things together, or chooses to do them when you aren't there and hide out when he could be with you), how is he going to handle it when you're pregnant out to there and need someone to pick up the slack? do you think he's going to be happy to be there to rub your feet, or massage your back, or bring you pickles and ice cream at 3 in the morning?

a real man, one who loved you, would do those things, without complaint, with love. even if he was tired or had other things he'd rather do.
do you think this one will? or will he be annoyed and hurried and crabby? or simply be unavailable to do those things at all?

If you can't trust him to walk your dog, how are you going to trust him with a precious child?

if he gets mad about your dog wanting to play when he's gaming, how's he going to be when your kids endlessly need his attention?

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I know it's scary to let go of the only guy you've ever been with, but he's NOT a man by any stretch.
marrying a boy, especially a sulky, troubled, depressed, game obsessed boy who puts everything else before you and rushes his time with you to get back to his toys will not result in anything good.

Do.Not.Marry.This.Boy.

you need MUCH more experience before you choose to marry *any*one...
the fact that this boy with all his problems and his issues and his uninvolvement is still in consideration as a husband is a clue that you need to grow up a bit more too.
trust me, once you've been on your own a bit, and dated a bit, and met some actual adult men with the real capacity for caring, this one will look very, very different to you. and not in a good way.

do not get married before you give yourself time to find that out.

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I know it's hard to think that you might have wasted all the time you spent with him.
that time has not been wasted... it's just the time it's taken you to learn that he's not the one.
however, from this point forward, any time you spend with him WILL be wasted, because you already know he's not the one.

 

[artsy1]

well, I 've decided that if you do marry him after all of this advice.
#1. you aren't listening to us.
#2. you really don't want our advice. maybe
#3. you don't have enough self-esteem to leave him.
#4. you love him no matter, what anyone says.
#5. you love misery.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????
one of those...............maybe