Nevadans?

[SunnyDawn]

Thanks for the invite Sunny to the dance. We would love to go but we can't go this Friday but another time would be great. John's & Nonni are trying to get use to me not being home to fix dinner and he's wanting to spend some time with me that night.

I won't be home at 7:15 yet but John will be and I'll have the bread machine ready for you. I have no idea how my DIL does it but I'll find out while she's here next month.

All this talk about family and losses and such. I was talking to my dad like I do everyday since mom passed and I mentioned, hey when are you planning on coming this way to visit. He laughed and said how strange it never crossed his mind to come out this way. Which for my dad it is strange because he always comes out at least once a year but he usually makes it 2 to 3 times. So he booked his flight to be here on their anniversary to celebrate with us and he said it would be nice to see her urn again and celebrate her life since it will be 3 years the day after our anniversary. I thought it was very touching of him.

I think that would be fun too Sunny, perhaps we can all go in June while he's here? We'll see but I know he would enjoy it. Mom and dad loved to dance.

June would be great! We look forward to it.

 

[SunnyDawn]

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[Penturner]

Well this past week has been a doozy. Not sure if many of you are aware. But my youngest daughter (19) has had two children by a now ex boyfriend. In a nut shell over the past two and a half years he has not stepped up to the plate even once. Btu my daughter has constantly thought it was important enough for the kids to be in his life that she will make the compromises needed to let his family see the kids. In the mean time He uses this contact as a means to constantly keep her upset, criticise her demand more and more from her etc. the typical manipulative controlling situation. He tries to keep her isolated and will not even come around me. Slowely my daughter has grown up and begun to see him for what he is.
Last week he picked her up so they could drive around and "Talk" it resulted in him basically accusing her of everything but being a woman and ending every sentence by calling her a B***h right in front of their 2 and a half year old son. I honestly thought she had reached the point she would not be alone with him again. But Sunday he asked if he could pick them up and take them to Circus Circus. This turned out to be nothing but a plot between him and his mother to get her out to their house in Cold Springs. Once there they both ganged up on her and he begin to make threats against me. She tried to walk out even though she had a 2 year old and a 5 month old with her and no way to get home. That is when he got physical and took her cell phone away. I am not sure how she got the phone back but she was able to call my wife. Long story short, He was arrested. now has TPO for my entire household including our animals my daughter has sole custody of both children and it is most likely he will spend at least 90 days in jail. And that is just the stuff he doesn't have to worry about. What he does have to worry about now is me. For starters I am going to hire a lawyer for my daughter. She was given a packet on how to file all the requests for rulings for permanent custody, child support etc. But I am going to hire an attorney so she gets the best representation possible.

My daughter makes a great victim for this guy only because she is young. She will grow out of it. But she is just not growing up fast enough. Until then we are doing our best but I am not fooled enough to think she is safe. I want to push for his parental rights to be revoked. So far my daughter agrees we are just not sure we can build a case that strong. I know she does not ever want the children alone with him. at least not right now. I am aware that is subject to change.

I want this guy gone and forgotten. I grew up with this crap. I will not watch my grand kids do the same. No one ever protected me or my sister. That will not be true for my grandchildren. I am so sorry that my daughter has had to already take blows from this guy. I fully intend to take any others he has. I can return them much better than she can.

 

[americanvalkyrie]

Daniel, thanks for protecting your daughter. Even if she's unsure now which end is up, she'll realize later on, and she'll know what you did to protect her. I hope she holds strong and, the more she keeps her distance, realizes exactly what he is.

 

[aubreynoramarie]

Oh Daniel I am so sorry to hear this. A lot of people dont know this but one of the reasons I moved to reno was to escape an abusive boyfriend. I cant say i know exactly what you guys are going through because I dont have children but i can say that it sounds like shes beginning to see the light and know whats right for those kiddos. I wish my dad woulda been there for me like you are with her. Good luck and i hope with all hope that you guys can get a good lawer and get this sucker and his awful enabling family out of your lives for good! I sometimes think its sad that poeple think a terrible mother or father NEED to be in their kid's lives. Marks mom kicked his dad out of their lives when they were young and they are better for it, i bet those kids will be better for it too. Chances are your daughter will someday meet a gentleman who is 100x the father that shmuck is.

 

[sherylreno]

Daniel you did a great job trying to protect her. It took her to see what this guy was truly all about. I'm glad she was able to find out before he did even more bodily & mental harm than he already did and to have his mother help too. Insane!

May everything come out better than ever and all is safe.

 

[SunnyDawn]

Daniel, I'm so sorry your family, your daughter and you have to go through this. I also left my daughter's father because he was physically abusive. The verbal abuse was horrific too and these guys are very good at making a person feel worthless. They are also good at turning it around and pouring on the charm the next minute. Psychologists call this the "hearts and flowers" stage. They will leave work in the middle of the day to bring you flowers (this should send off warnings about their commitment to their obligations but often doesn't) then turn on a dime when your guard is down.

Unfortunately, in court, he also turned on the charm and convinced the judge he was a paragon of virtue despite court records that said otherwise from at least 3 other women! I got physical custody of my daughter but he got liberal visitation rights and no one did anything when he stalked me for years. Sitting on my front porch to keep away any visitors and yelling from the front yard that we would still be a "happy" family if I would just come back to him.

I hope you get a great lawyer for her! A bad one can be worse than no lawyer. Trust me I know! Tell her to stand tall when he tries to intimidate her. Same when he pours on the charm. These guys get off on control. Telling you no one else will ever want you. I finally figured out that being alone was a 1,000 times better than being with an abusive creep! Times have changed so I think this kind of thing is taken more seriously these days so I wish you and her the best of luck during this stressful time.

Let her know that it is up to her to define who and what she becomes! No one outside of herself can do that! Once she accepts this there will be no end to how far she will go. My daughter's father came to an ugly end through no one's fault but his own. This guy will reap his own actions as well. Just keep those babies safe in the meantime. I know if you have your way you will. She needs to know that (despite what he keeps repeating) he has no intention of changing! The manipulation thing works for him. She may even feel like she is in control when he begs her to forgive him but it is all part of the act and he knows how effective this tactic is.

My heart goes out to your daughter. I know what she is going through. Give her a hug from me and let her know it wasn't her, it was him. It is impossible to know ahead of time what a person is like when you haven't grown up with them (and sometimes not even then) and she cannot blame herself for his problem. There are plenty of folks out there that will try to blame the victim. Telling her she should have known. This, to be blunt, is a load of crap!

There simply is no way to KNOW exactly what will happen to us at any given time! And it's easy for others to remove themselves from the situation by claiming otherwise. Trusting people is not a crime! Wanting to believe a person is good is not a crime! Now that she has been shown the truth she is, of course, responsible for doing what she needs to do to protect her children but with your help I am sure she will do her best to make the right decision.

 

[americanvalkyrie]

They are also good at turning it around and pouring on the charm the next minute.

Yep, that is exactly why I never discuss things my ex did with people who have ever met him. They all call me a liar. There is no way to come out of it without looking like an evil person for accusing "such an open, honest man" of ever doing stuff like that. When I teach self-defense classes, I open up to things that happened. If I'm speaking to someone who knows him, it just "didn't work out."

Women are very lucky if they've never experienced an abusive relationship. But some of the strongest, most amazing women I know... are women who have. And used it to make themselves dynamic. They often need to learn to fight past certain aspects of society, obstacles, assumptions and judgments, to finally get on with life.

 

[SunnyDawn]

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I firmly agree!!!

 

[wolftracks]

Crap Sunny, we just have more and more in common.

I knew what was coming when I read the isolation comment. This is also the MO for men who kill their families, yet the courts in general stink when it comes to help.

I'm going to give you some attorney advice and trust me I know what I'm talking about. Get a FEMALE attorney. Not kidding. I had one and everyone I ever gave advice to did the same and are happy they did. Unfortunately I gave that advice to my youngest son's dad before my son was even thought of. My mistake. Plus he was a charmer. Even the mediator was taken. My husband told me he was sorry I fell for all his garbage too, but he seemed to be good at it.

I had to leave court once while my 3 middles kids' dad was held back by the bailiff because he went nuts in court. Although I did get the kids in the first 5 minutes (he got liberal visitation??) we spent 5 hours in court fighting over the only TV and VCR. He had a huge list of everything in the house he said was his. I worked the whole time. He worked 6 months in 15 years. Couldn't stop being high enough to work. Plus I thought I was garbage. Finally the judge says "there's a lot of expensive things on this list. Is there anything else you want?" He piped in "she's getting the refrigerator, washer and dryer." The whole courtroom cracked up. I looked at the judge and said " he can have it all, all I want is him gone." Then when the judge said since I got the kids I could have what I asked for since it was for the kids, he threw a fit and even the men in the court room stood up and cheered. Not kidding. He turned around and glared and everyone laughed. That room was packed. They had to bring it to order and then get me and my 2 friends out so he couldn't attack me. Lowlife!

I couldn't find anyone to help me except for them wanting to send me and the kids to a shelter. I took off one weekend and he sold or gave away most of what I owned. The rest he destroyed. They keep you so down you don't know up. When kids are around, you're scared to death to try to run. They run you down till you feel like you're less than nothing. All I ever got from my mom was how stupid I was, but when I asked her for help, she told me it was my problem. It was, I just needed so backup. That barely came at the end of the nightmare. Oh and then once I got him out of the house, his friends came by to tell me what a stupid person I was. Asking me how I was going to make it on my own. I told them much better than having a scum leach sucking me dry.

Stick by her, but do it gently. Some of us go through felling so aweful that we think the people helping are attacking and that's worse than anything the lowlife can do to us. After all, they still want us around even though they've made it clear we aren't worthy.