**NEW QUESTION PG. 12** Autism: Yes, you may ask my opinion!

[Jena]

i would agree with you yes.

I do very poorly in emotional fields and discussions, plus I am always afraid that things I say will be taken as a personal slight when it is never intended that way.

I am also afraid of aggression. Don't get me wrong I can be aggressive too, and if it is to save myself, or to move something in my way I can cope, but I don't really understand when the plot is lost because of emotion. well I think the discussion is lost then.

I grew up with 2 very aggressive people. My parents were very firey, and I am supposed to be, but I have always tried to channel it. If something seems wrong I want to find a way to change it or avoid it.
Not fight it physically.

My father used to say "Don't tell me because I know." Even when he really did not know at all. But I learned early to say OK and walk away.

 

[Jena]

Quote:
You are always amazing in any discussions.

You always bring humour into it and keep it light, but you speak with a lot of wisdom.

Thank you.

 

[ursusarctosana]

I've tried to remember that I really don't know the answers and that no one else really does either (overall) and maintain that what I say consists of suggestions or ideas. People, in general, have a difficult time with this. They seem so sure of their own answer and they defend it aggressively. Maybe the emotional toll on their system is too much to handle and all the research and thinking required to learn a new way seems impossible.

In person it is difficult when others become emotionally angry around me, because they become really petty. When this happens I tell them what I see in my mind, because I think in pictures only I may see them in a diaper stomping and pounding their baby fists in my head and I may laugh and then they may be more angry. The things they say in these instances only cause them to seem misdirected and it's frustrating because I'm trying to get to the bottom of an issue that requires action, but if the person acts stubborn and petty then the action will not get done and nothing will change.

The people who are closest to me understand this and they thank me later for sticking by my ideas, though during the process they can become really belligerent. This, of course, could make me seem like a jerk. I think there have been times when I've gone ahead and done my own thing because of my rigid thinking patterns and this has upset people, but later on I am able to demonstrate, due to the outcome, how my lack of emotion aided in completing a task.

 

[Momma_Cluck]

here were some good points on "being ignored" in there folks--
Many of us "Aspies" feel ignored--- is it real, or perceived?

I find that on boards, many people ARE pretty much ignored if they aren't long-timers and no one really knows them...
often, maybe it is the fact that we do tend to add a LOT of detail and info in our responses!

But "In real life" I know we get ignored... I have stood at a deli counter, McD's etc... and had other people come up and get waited on right then and there, without the clerk ever even glancing at me... invisibility cloak???

In groups, even family gatherings, we get interrupted mid-sentence and the subject changed... or are not responded to at all....

Is it we are seen as "unimportant" so therefor not worth their time?
It's not my imagination, as other people have witnessed and confirmed it to us.

Does this relate to any of you folks as well???

Maybe it is our problem with reading /using body language and facial expressions???

 

[ursusarctosana]

I suppose I'm quite skeptical and people may take offense when I question their opinions or beliefs. I'd like to be sure, too, but as insecure as I am in a world that is unpredictable, even I realize I can never be comfortable. Geez, if someone moves my things I sometimes have a meltdown, so it is horribly challenging to live in a world of uncertainty, but when it comes to theories containing centuries of historical data or complex processes that involve millions or billions of people, I have to conclude that I cannot have certainty and that my opinion is based on limited or unpredictable events and data.

 

[Jena]

YES YES YES !!!!!

Really. I have become very quiet, just because I know nobody is listening to me anyway.

 

[ursusarctosana]

Quote:
Thank you for bringing this up. Why is it that I feel so safe within the realm of this post and that I feel it has structure?

Anyway, Yes I have noticed the "real life" fact of being "ignored".

Here's what I've noticed:

1. I do not know when to enter a conversation.

2. People have commented all of my life that I look mad, that I squint my eyes, or that I lack facial expression and/or am extremely difficult, if not impossible, to read.

3. My tone of voice does not always correspond with the situation.

4. I am likely to begin a conversation right in the middle of what I have spent twenty minutes contemplating in my head; therefore, interrupting the current topic of conversation.

5. I am infamous for one-liners. When I was in graduate school and at after-parties (after authors came to town to read from their novels we would have a party hosting them) I would stand in one spot and people would come up to me, I'd say a one-liner, and then they would go away. I'd observe the interactions of the other people and wonder why I could never achieve that level of interaction. Sometimes it made me feel lonely.

6. When people find out I have autism they sometimes do not seem to care what I think, yes, but these are really ignorant people.

7. People have also discredited my opinion until they find out I am "so called" formally educated, then suddenly they start talking to me like I matter. This feels insulting.

8. I cannot tell when people are joking, yet I have perfected the skill of keeping a straight face and freaking other people out with my own jokes. Then people cannot understand how I can do this, but not know that they are joking. It's called "mind blindness".

And there's probably more that I'll think of, but these are a few things.

I don't try to socialize too much any more. It usually goes ok the first time, but soon I feel isolated again and don't have much to say for fear of that awful feeling that will soon creep up on me--that feeling that I did something really wrong or that feeling of intense confusion or that feeling of something I don't know how to identify because the feeling is too complex for me to label based on my understanding of feelings.

 

[Jena]

Here's what I've noticed:

1. I do not know when to enter a conversation. True, many time I just give up or say nothing.

2. People have commented all of my life that I look mad, that I squint my eyes, or that I lack facial expression and/or am extremely difficult, if not impossible, to read.

Yes. My sight is also not great so I tend to squint andI also frown when I am concentrating. I told someone once that I was really very straight forward and easy tounderstand and they told me I was deep as the ocean. I still don't agree.

3. My tone of voice does not always correspond with the situation.

hmmm yes and I sometimes make this happen. I will change tone to get the point across. Just because very few people really know what is going on in my head.

4. I am likely to begin a conversation right in the middle of what I have spent twenty minutes contemplating in my head; therefore, interrupting the current topic of conversation.

yes this really confuses people. i am not even aware of doing it sometimes.

5. I am infamous for one-liners. When I was in graduate school and at after-parties (after authors came to town to read from their novels we would have a party hosting them) I would stand in one spot and people would come up to me, I'd say a one-liner, and then they would go away. I'd observe the interactions of the other people and wonder why I could never achieve that level of interaction. Sometimes it made me feel lonely.

Lonliness is a very bad feeling. When trying to explain myself to my children, I tell them that I can not stand to be in a room full of people and to have the awful pain of lonliness. I would rather stay alone in the first place. This is the dominant feeling in my life these days.

6. When people find out I have autism they sometimes do not seem to care what I think, yes, but these are really ignorant people.

there are plenty of them around.

7. People have also discredited my opinion until they find out I am "so called" formally educated, then suddenly they start talking to me like I matter. This feels insulting.

Yes I agree with this also. they then expect me to be a walking library.



8. I cannot tell when people are joking, yet I have perfected the skill of keeping a straight face and freaking other people out with my own jokes. Then people cannot understand how I can do this, but not know that they are joking. It's called "mind blindness".


I am not good with jokes.

And there's probably more that I'll think of, but these are a few things.

I don't try to socialize too much any more. It usually goes ok the first time, but soon I feel isolated again and don't have much to say for fear of that awful feeling that will soon creep up on me--that feeling that I did something really wrong or that feeling of intense confusion or that feeling of something I don't know how to identify because the feeling is too complex for me to label based on my understanding of feelings.
*******************************

"Gord Brody: Look, dad


your last statement is very apt actually. A few years ago I had been off work for sometime after I lost my sight in one eye. My post was funded by the local government and it was due to be renewed.

the day I returned to work I was told I would have to do a presentation on my work for the department. I had 3 days to prepare. I ended up being in the office at 5.30 am to get all the information ready for the meeting.

I knew what was likely to happen to the support I was supposed to get from my manager. I wentthrough the presentation alone with no support, not tomy own department but to 5 different departments that were interested in my work. the air conditioning and the lights were faulty, and I became more and more distressed, as well as coping with the loss of vision.

At the end I feltlike I had personally offended everyone in the room. I left and broke down in total distress.

I had actually gained and extension of my funding for double the period I was aiming for and I was congratulated by each one of them. i had to meet one of them a few days laterto collect some data and discuss some cases. Even then I was in tears quietly as I arrived at the office, because I still believed I had offended this woman somehow.

 

[The Chicken Lady]

From my perspective as a moderator, I'm going to jump into your (dare I say awesome and totally interesting?

) conversation here and just speak to what you guys were talking about earlier in terms of the health care thread that you were participating in.

I don't think that BYC is necessarily the best place to perform and observe "social experiments" in terms of what would happen between people during a real-life debate. Reason being... We have pretty strict limits here about how far people can go with the trolling and flaming, so a lot of people stop themselves before they would go as far as they might go somewhere else with getting emotional about a topic .

The reason I'm saying this might not be the best place to learn about debates is because I am seeing that you are trying to learn in order to help yourself based on some of your interactions between people here. That's totally cool -- but I guess in terms of "science" or "research," you might not be getting the best data while watching conversations because people do tend to hold themselves back because of the way we moderate to keep our community happy and healthy.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, I'm not saying this to discourage you from participating or trying to learn from what you're doing here, so please don't feel that way.

(Quite the opposite -- you seem super-cool and nice!) I'm definitely trying to inform and help you, if I can.

 

[HarlansHollowFarms]

I have been reading this post since its begining and can relate to alot of what has been said. I do not have autism or children with autism, but I can relate to the feeling of isolation.
I really do not think people are ingnoring you because of your disability, although I am sure some are, but maybe they feel you are some what unapproachable. This is what has been told to me and when I ask why, they have no answer. I tend to only have a few friend and do not socialize alot, I am not in fear of rejection, I really could care less, but it is nice when people listen to your thoughts even if they may not agree, this is where the few friends come in!