they'reHISchickens :
Hello,
Going back to your original post, I'd like to ask your opinion!
My 4 1/2 yr old grandson is autistic- being diagnosed and in early intervention since about 18 months. School has done him a world of good.
My question for you adults with autism: In your opinion, when is a good age to *discuss* his autism with him? He is an intelligent child but lives in his own world and doesn't respond well to others. I try to treat him as I do the other grandchildren, who are also very intelligent and quick to understand. But he has his own agenda!
His 6 yr old sister has asked mom why he is the way he is ( stimming and lack of speech) and she has been told it's the different way his brain works. Does he realize at 4, almost 5, that he is different? Does he care? I see much perfectly normal little boy behavior from him that it makes me wonder how much allowance we should make for autism. How much does he understand about all this? How much CAN he understand?
I ask this also because his uncle at that age also had his own agenda and is not autistic- just very stubborn. His uncle in early school years would test very badly, just because he didn't care. How does one separate the caring from the inability in everyday life?
Can you give us your perspective?
Perhaps his uncle is on the spectrum, too, just undiagnosed. My son, who is now eighteen, was thought to be extremely "stubborn" and he was blamed for "not caring" about anything. Come to find out everyone was wrong. Our families were wrong about my son and I and this caused us a lot of problems.
I think it's positive that the family accepts that your grandson has autism. I think, also, that he will notice things are different for him. He could end up thinking other kids are just boring and stupid, or he could grow up being bullied and treated unfairly, or ? It depends on what kind of kid he is inside his own private world and how much he is willing/able to share with others combined with the level of expertise the adults in his life have and their ability to cope/be patient with him and experiment to find solutions to help him out.
Despite the fact that my son and I share so much in common, we had a terrible time understanding each other due to our issues with "mind blindness" and "executive functioning". These are both ways of being for a person with autism. Even though I seem to be a person who can empathize when people talk to me and I can recreate situations and give the "right" answer, when it comes to practice I don't understand why people do what they do--often. So, when my son had difficulty, even though I may have had that very same difficulty, I couldn't empathize or see his difficulty being related to my own experiences. Since that time I have learned a lot more and now he is an adult, so it is different for us now.
I think the answer you are looking for depends on a) your grandson's understanding of the world, and b) your ability to explain autism vs. non-autism. This is where it can get a little touchy. Everyone has different knowledge and a different view of autism, even people who have children with autism AND people who, themselves, have autism.
For example, I believe that things are the way they are and that's just the way it is. I believe we as human beings, to a certain extent, can think our way out of situations and that by doing so we can achieve desirable outcomes; however, I also think the outside world intrudes on our personal lives to an extent that we have to accept some things we may not wish to deal with. I have to deal with people every day. I don't always like what people do, but I have to deal with them in some ways. I can't attack them if they don't do things the way I wish, though some people will have meltdowns and, especially some children, will scratch and bite and scream, etc.
The world is not always a friendly place. I would say if you explain autism to your grandson start by showing him some physiology books. Show him what is inside of his body: his bones, his nervous system, his organs, his muscles. Talk about musculature and skeletal structure in all animals from birds to fish to mammals to insects. Show him how they are all different. Then, later, explain to him that each fish, each fly, each chicken, each goat, each tiger, each human being is an individual and that they all develop from cells.
Perhaps get him to look under a microscope. Tell him there is a tiny world there where creatures only of our imaginations exist in a world where life is formed, where things grow. Explain that animals and plants grow there. Explain that you grew there, that he grew there.
Then, after you think he is understanding all of this, which may take months--or longer--explain that his cells formed in a different way and so did everyone else's. Show him what a brain looks like and how there are different parts of the brain that are responsible for different things.
I think he will understand if you approach it this way. If he does, because he is a person with autism who is good at "systems thinking" then he will know that the people who judge him or put him down are uninformed and he will grow up knowing they are uninformed because he understands, because his grandma had patience and showed him, that each living creature is different and these ignorant people do not get it.
That will be "his" ammunition. Perhaps this knowledge will help him separate the people who are able to take him seriously from those who are not worth his time and effort. I think this can help him find his niche.
I don't want to forget to tell you that it must go further, the learning, than just explaining the functions of the brain. You must explain how the brain and neurology is different for a person with autism.
I suggest you listen to the ABC special on autism that I posted earlier in this post as it is one of the best yet and explains a few important details about how people with autism think. Also look into the literature of a doctor named Tony Atwood. Sometimes you can rent his videos from your local library and watch his lectures explaining how children with autism view the world.
Remember that, while your grandchild may seem like he is "in his own world", he is most likely (and I am rather certain of this) sure of himself and his own imagination and knows a lot of what is going on because he is probably a sponge for information.
And, finally, use all of this knowledge he has gained to explain why having a brain with autism has many special benefits and that his way of thinking is a benefit to society for a number of reasons (find out what he is interested in and observe the details of what make him special).
I hope this helps.
