Seriously, which would you choose?

[redhen]

Quote:

Not trying to . Its just common sense.
Just because the honeymoon is over, does not give anyone, myself included the right to let the romance slip away.

No, I thought your advice was very good, I was complimenting you. And, I agree totally, but it does take two, and when one continues to give and give and other takes and takes, eventually you just get tired and stop trying.

yes, well then THATS a big problem...
I'd talk to him...see how he responds, and if things dont change and you still arent happy, then i'd say its time to move on...
just my opinion..lifes too short

 

[OverEggstended]

I am confused. You say that you KNOW he loves you... but then say that there is no romance or communication.

I think the problem may be one of expectations... and have recently almost broken up MY happy house because of it.

It boiled down to this essencially in our case:

He thought that providing very well for me and 2 teenagers was a great big banner saying how much he loved us. He thought that staying out of raising (yelling at) the kids and helping with the house was a way of saying "I trust you and your abilities and want to let you do it your way. I do not want to make you think I find you incompetant." He was thinking like a guy... and seems to think I must think the same way. i could go on and on.

I was getting more and more tired and fed up but did not say anything. I was thinking like a girl (how dare I!)... and could not fathom that he was not getting my signals. I was tired after a day of fighting with the kids in an attempt to have them turn into productive members of society (or at least do their hw and pick up after themselves). I wanted him to be the shining knight coming home on his white horse and announcing "OK... enough crap! I am here now and will not put up with this. And I am in charge!". Yeah... fat chance. LOL
I wanted to be able to have him at least WANT to listen politely as I told him about my sucky day and then just give me a hug. Not necessarily fix it. Just commiserate and give me hope.
I wanted him to help with the house when I said something as subtle as "I am NEVER going to finish this kitchen... the kids mess it up faster than I can possibly clean it. Not to mention cooking dinner at the same time!" or "It sure would be nice if someone would take out the garbage." or the totally confusing statement such as "I have mentioned 4 times that the bins were full... just when WERE you planning on going to the dump?"

We spent 4 days in misery while I started packing up my stuff. The fact was... we both love each other dearly and we were destroying each other slowly... and our relationship QUICKLY.

Here is what I have learned:

1) Guys will listen willingly and even attentively if you make it clear that you do not really expect anything more of them than 20 minutes of their time. They are not your mother or BFF... so do not go on for hours. Do not ask for help if you do not plan on using it. Guys are ultra-rational and have a 5 second solution to every problem that is usually delivered in a rather "you silly goose... this is so simple!" derogatory way. Just tell him to listen... not actually try and offer solutions unless you really want them or he really wants to hear the 20,000 reasons his solution will NOT work. It is a good compromise! LOL

2) Let him know EXACTLY what your expectations are. Also, and more importantly... let him know the REAL reason you are angry. Snapping at him because his dog threw up on the floor for the third time that day leaves EVERYONE confused and in limbo. If the real problem is that he gave the dog food scraps after repeatedly being told not to or that he runs from the room saying it makes him retch and so he cannot grab the paper towels... THAT is helpful to point out. It may not even be related to the dog at all. I once got in a huge argument with mine over paint color. I could not really care less what color the walls get painted. I was just ticked off with a list of 10 other things I had ignored and "put up with" all week... and that came up. Not fair to him. I am working on it.

3) This one seems to be the biggest problem at our house. Guys... bless their hearts... do not do subtle. And subtle here means anything phrased in the form of a question or containing more than the necessary information. My guy was in the military... so is even worse than usual. But his teen son is the same way and I actually asked a few guy friends. Whereas I think telling him "I need this garbage taken out in the next 10 minutes please" sounds naggy and rude... he really would prefer that to "I cannot get anything else in the garbage can and I am trying to clean the kitchen Honey" even if followed with "Could you get to the garbage as soon as you can?" He wants a dirrective, a timeframe, and really likes the acknowledgement that he has done exactly what I wanted and made me very happy.

I really think you might be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. He really sounds like a good guy. If you have any feelings for him at all I would say that you need to tell him that you are really wanting to know if HE wants out... because you are just not happy. Most guys will secretly admit that they LOVE making the women in their lives happy. If you are not happy... he probably is not either. and believe it or not... he probably feels bad about it, possibly even inadequate or hopeless.

They really will work awfully hard to please you if they know how to and are told they are doing a good job at it!

 

[Slinkytoys]

Oh darlin', you know scenario #1 but #2 scenario may not be that way. Life's too short to sit in Limbo. Once you are on your own, you can make your life what you want it to be. It doesn't sound as though you have children......if he won't seek help with you, I think you have your answer. Most men get comfortable in their ways, it sounds as though his are being met. But what about yours? Even though people may think he is a nice guy, a nice guy would give your feelings some credence instead of ignoring them. You need to sit down and put on paper what goals you have and how to obtain them. Going from one existence to another is futile. Make a fun, empowered and fulfilling life for YOU!!
Slinky

 

[herefordlovinglady]

Quote:
wow, now that is something to think about...thank you.

 

[domino7]

Well, I'm a married guy, and I will agree with overeggstended about this. If you're unhappy, there's a good chance that he's unhappy too. He probably realizes that you're unhappy as well.

I also agree that scenario #2 is really unknown. Obviously, you have to make the decision yourself. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[OverEggstended]

I agree your needs are not being met... I simply question wether he knows that or is expected to be psychic. If you really could not care less for him and honestly think he does not care a bit about you... then I would take as little time to pack as possible. Get out and have some fun.

But if it is a simple case of "I am not happy... but do not necessarily think I would be happier by myself or someone else. I just want to feel like I used to back when I felt loved and adored." then you really need to think about this. It is a long winter and you are in the middle of nowhere and feeling isolated as well... this does not help.

Get out and have some fun for yourself even if you stay with him! Join a club. Volunteer with 4-H. Take up long distance trail riding if you can and want to. Hike. Heck... make a standing apointment with a girlfriend for coffee and griping about men sessions! LOL

If you will not or cannot talk to him about how unhappy you are... then you really do NOT have much choice. You can put up with being miserable and learn to like it... or leave.

I just think that you have little (except perhaps a month of time) to lose by trying... and an awful lot to gain if it works out!

Men really are clueless little critters... either way (talking about it and trying... or starting the seperation preceedings) you will have to lead the way I am afraid. He probably has no idea. Really. I love my sweety, and most men, but they really are thoughtless and blind an awful lot!

 

[the Pollo Loco]

Yes men are from Mars, but remember women are from Venus!!!! The poor guy is probably clueless!!! and if he isnt, then he's happy with the ongoing scenario described. Now the balls in your court...

just some thoughts...

 

[Katy]

Just something to think about.....be careful what all you put out here into cyber space for everyone to see. Sharing your thoughts with us before you share with him and give him a chance probably would do nothing to help your relationship. It should be between you and him first and foremost......not you and us.

 

[vfem]

My best friend was in scenerio one, over christmas she left (with their daughter) and is making her own life... but she is trying to date my ex, and force her ex to goto counseling to be in a better relationship for their daughter, but she keeps nosing into HIS scererio 2 so to speak.

You have to know you are done and let go of all connections and love to really move on...

If you want to fix it and he doesn't then its not fixable... if it takes you leaving to show how serious you are you may have too.


Men hate someone throwing rocks into their still pools of water... but that is what women are for, we throw stones when we're bored!

 

[LizFM]

Quote:
I always tell women who are dating or newly married not to be TOOOOOO nice to their boyfriend/husband. Some guys think if we wait on them hand and foot and always do what they want it's because we enjoy it. Don't turn yourself into a doormat thinking it will get him to reciprocate because it won't, and you will just end up angry and resentful.

My DH (27+ years I haven't killed him yet) once said to me, "Well, you must LIKE doing all that stuff for me. My mom liked doing it for my dad (translation: men Never lifted a Finger in that house...not even to get up and get their own glass of water if they were thirsty). I don't do stuff if I don't want to so you must only do stuff You Want To Do."

Once the red cleared from my eyes

I realized he was telling me the truth...at least the last sentence. So I figured from now on there were going to be 2 people in the house that did what they wanted. And DIDN'T do what they didn't want to do.

Simply put...stop caring what he wants

By which I mean...don't give up what you want just because it's not what he wants - if he won't reciprocate. At a minimum this will put some balance in your relationship. And you won't be angry and resentful all the time.

I have been clear that I will do what I want (within reason) and if he doesn't want to do it with me, I don't particularly care. This small fact alone (that I didn't NEED him 100%, 24/7, and that I would go off and have a good time by myself, even if it meant just going to the used bookstore to browse) has made a huge change in his attitude. He's not holding all the cards any more and he makes a liiiiiitle bit more of an effort.

As far as the farming...mine comes from a family where everybody's health and happiness was sacrificed for the farm (we farmed with his folks for the first 10 years of our marriage and it was a mistake). Not all farms are like this, but sometimes farming (even more so than many other family businesses) adds a whole other layer of issues.