Seriously, which would you choose?

[herefordlovinglady]

Quote:
we will be married 5 years in April--i worked very hard up on the farm until recently. He was born and raised on the farm, I never been on farm until I met him.

 

[cafarmgirl]

Sometimes men, (and women!

) slip into the lifestyle you described without even really knowing it. They become comfortable and complacent about their relationships and sometimes don't even realize anything is wrong. Kinda had a similar situation here some years ago, I finally had it out with him and turns out he didn't even realize the situation. Some people aren't good at, or comfortable being expressive and if they think all's well they kind of forget they need to! It sounds like the basis of your relationship is good. So, if you are wanting to keep it together, maybe have a frank talk with him about how you feel about the way things are and see how he responds.

 

[herefordlovinglady]

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Counseling is not an option with him. I am trying to find someone to talk to but living here in the country they are hard to find, i am looking at an hour drive to see one. i have thought about one of the online counseling sites.... I don't know, just very sad and confused about the whole thing right now. I would love to talk to someone and get these thoughts straight.

 

[suburbanminifarm]

I would leave immediately IF there are NOT kids involved. Sounds like a nice guy, but a bad MATCH. Seek out true happiness, life's too short and you're growing older all the time. If you have kids, then make do, try counseling and wait untill they are 18.

 

[easttxchick]

Just my .02. Having been married for 21 years(don't know how long you all have been married)I have lived this same life.

I felt slighted and lonely for a few years and then it hit me-this man is working these punishing hours to make life good for us and so if he is tired(and sometimes cranky) when he gets home and just wants to sit in his recliner and watch TV quietly, that's OK with me. He also works his tail off when he is home so the little time we have together we spend working on things around our property.

We live in what I call a "comfortable rut" and I wouldn't have it any other way. What I mean by that is that we can be in each other's company without having to entertain each other. To some it may be boring or tedious, to me it is just that, comfortable.

One thing I can honestly say about myself is that I am VERY LOW MAINTENANCE which has helped me adjust to the life I have chosen with my husband!

I love him more than the day I married him for all the sacrifices he has made for me!

I hope you can find which scenario makes you happy.

 

[australorpchick]

Have you told him how you feel? (Not necessarily the thinking of leaving part) The loneliness, emptiness, pretty much why am I even here feeling? Men are so different then women in some ways, it's hard to believe that were supposed to be the same species. If you haven't told him that you're upset, he may think everything's to your liking.

I've been there and I know how you're feeling. If you ever need a shoulder, you're more than welcome to contact me. At 9 or 10 years, DH and I were both miserable and there wasn't much communication. We went to Marriage Encounter. It taught us how to talk again, like we did when we were dating. That's not saying we're perfect and never argue, but now we can talk more, versus shutting ourselves off from each other.

 

[texasgal]

Wow .. I should probably remain silent, but won't ..

I was married to a man for 15 years that did absolutely NOTHING with me or our children. He worked "provided a roof over our heads" (I worked full time also

) .. and thought that was all he needed to do.

For years the kids would ask "Why doesn't daddy ever go to ____________ with us .. " (insert: vacation, park, store, grandma's, zoo ..whatever) Then they stopped asking.

I got them up, fed them, took them to school, went to work, fixed them dinner, put them to bed .. etc, while he sat there proud that he "provided a roof over our heads".

Eventually, I quit prompting them to say goodnite to daddy .. or goodbye to daddy on the way out the door to school .. etc. He never seemed to notice. But he worked hard, every day, "providing a roof over our heads."

Many times I approached him about our relationship .. or lack of one .. and his un-involvement in the family. He would tell me that I was hormonal or such.

So after 15 years, I told him that he would HAVE to put more effort into the girls, and his FAMILY or things were going to change. He refused and said he wasn't going to change, so he would just leave.

He did .. and then was VERY surprised several weeks later when he asked if I wanted to re-consider and I told him no. What he didn't understand was that he THOUGHT I said that I was tired of doing everything by MYSELF .. and now that I was "alone" .. I was still doing everything myself. BUT ... the EXPECTATION was different. There wasn't "another half" that wasn't participating.. It was just me .. and I found a new ambition.

One of the most telling things was when his mother told me months later how upset he was to lose his family. She said to me "You will never know how much his family meant to him."

I said to her "How sad is THAT?!?! That his WIFE will never know how much his family meant to him."

We are divorced now, and probably communicate better now than we ever did when we were married. AND he's a much better father now.. another subject.

Relationships are work .. but it takes TWO.

I know EXACTLY where you are .. and I'm sorry you're going through this ....

 

[Katy]

Quote:
we will be married 5 years in April--i worked very hard up on the farm until recently. He was born and raised on the farm, I never been on farm until I met him.

If you worked with him on the farm until recently you have probably discovered it can be a 24/7/365 job. It's just the way it is. We don't have hired help so that means we're tied to the farm....but that's ok. We've been doing this together for going on 37 years. There are days we're both so tired that we barely say 2 words to each other.

You say you know he loves you and that you love him. Why would you even consider leaving if that is true? Do something to change how isolated you feel....talk to him about it. I was raised on a farm so the lifestyle was not a big surprise for me. I've known a few women who have married farmers not realizing what that means. It is not a job that goes from 9 to 5.

 

[Buff Hooligans]

Quote:
I agree, men think as long as we are quiet, everything's fine. And it usually is - to them.

Let him know and see what he does with the new information. Give him time to digest it though. It will probably be a complete surprise to him.
(Yes I know, men are blind, dense, and yes, dumb!)

 

[fordmommy]

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I wonder too. I also wonder how many would admit it.