should I go to the funeral?

[phaethona]

so I'm feeling pathetic for pouring my heart out here of all places, but it's been my experience that you all are kind and helpful people so...

Yesterday I found out that my grandma passed away, she was 82 and battled breast cancer among other things. I got the news via a two sentence long message on facebook from my cousin. My cousin and I grew up very close but had a falling out about a year ago and neither of us has intentions of mending things. That side of the family is not your typical family, not the loving, caring people normally thought of when mentioning "family". my own mother lives 10 minutes away and has seen her 3 granchildren just a handful of times. It used to be just birthdays and holidays, but last year she missed all the birthdays and for christmas she left a trashbag of toys from other relatives on our front porch and left(we were home at the time, and this was the following february). basically, I haven't been a part of the family since I was a kid, and even then, the rare occasions that we visited were so uncomfortable we couldn't wait to go home.

I do have some good memories of my grandma from when I was a little kid. And of course I loved her, and I'm sad she's gone. But the funeral is tomorrow and I don't really want to go. it's going to be a fiasco between all the relatives, most of whom wouldn't throw me a rope if I were drowning. It's not going to be a peaceful ordeal. And another reason I don't want to go is I don't like funerals in general. right now I can think of her and I remember a lively, sweet lady baking in the kitchen, overnights at her house, etc. I do not want to add to that a vivid memory of her thin, dead body in a box. And as far as saying my goodbyes, I'd be more comfortable going by myself to her grave so I can personally tell her in a more quiet moment that I love her and miss her.

do you think I'm being selfish by not going?

 

[1mommahen]

You've answered your own question. Do it your own way. Remember her how you want to . No one else matters. Make it right for you, no one else will.

Sorry you lost your grandma!

 

[Elite Silkies]

I think that everyone deals with death in their own way. If you feel that you want to say your goodbyes at her burial spot, then I say do it thay way.

 

[easttxchick]

Funerals are difficult even when families get along, when there is tension and strife, the difficulty is just multiplied.
If you feel like going to the funeral will complicate things further, don't feel guilty for not going.
Remember her and grieve for her in the way you can deal with the best.
Funerals are for the living.
Sorry for the loss of your grandmother.

 

[Teach97]

grandmas are cool...lost mine when I was in high school and them met my wife in college and her grandma just took me in and treated me like one of the family

I never looked at any of them at the funerals...not how i want to remember the ones I love. So I am with you and the others...remember her the way you want and visit when you want. Grandmas understand and love us no matter what....besides...they are the only ones that can get away with giving you sweets when your mom has said no!

 

[phaethona]

I just feel pressured to go because that's what people do. on one hand I don't want to come across as uncaring or disrespectful, but on the other hand, it's not about anyone else and I really shouldn't care what anyone thinks.

 

[Keene's coop]

i'm there with you. my very close aunt passed yesterday. but i can not go to the funeral cuz i have no way of getting up there today. wishes to you and your family.

 

[mypicklebird]

IMO the purpose of a funeral is to celebrate the life of the individual, pay respects, and help console each other for the loss of the individual. If you think you are going to feel guilty later for not going, then you only have the one chance to go and take the high road- be there be civil, show your respects and leave. You don't need to socialize with people you don't want to socialize with. If you do go- you can stand back from the others in your own space bubble. Not too hard if it is outside. If it is inside- you can go in, make eye contact/nod to people & not speak to anyone you do not want to, pay your respects and leave.

If you don't go the funeral for what ever reason- (hate funerals, dislike the other people there, got the flu ect.), you can still pay respects and celebrate her life in private- visit her grave, remember her in your own way.

I am sorry for your loss of your Grandma.

 

[phaethona]

Keene's coop :

i'm there with you. my very close aunt passed yesterday. but i can not go to the funeral cuz i have no way of getting up there today. wishes to you and your family.

I'm so sorry

 

[wegotchickens]

Quote:
Send a small plant. Put a message on the card about how much you love her. That would fulfill both the caring and the respectful aspects of your decision and make it clear that you're thinking about her.

Funerals are public displays, and it shouldn't matter what you so, but it will. That's the way people are, unfortunately. If later you're asked why you didn't come, you can tell them your heart couldn't handle the stress but that you were thinking about her.

Another idea: See if the funeral home will let you come early. You can sign the book, show you were there. You can request the casket be closed, too. Funeral homes understand and can be very supportive. Give them a call and ask!