so I'm feeling pathetic for pouring my heart out here of all places, but it's been my experience that you all are kind and helpful people so... Yesterday I found out that my grandma passed away, she was 82 and battled breast cancer among other things. I got the news via a two sentence long message on facebook from my cousin. My cousin and I grew up very close but had a falling out about a year ago and neither of us has intentions of mending things. That side of the family is not your typical family, not the loving, caring people normally thought of when mentioning "family". my own mother lives 10 minutes away and has seen her 3 granchildren just a handful of times. It used to be just birthdays and holidays, but last year she missed all the birthdays and for christmas she left a trashbag of toys from other relatives on our front porch and left(we were home at the time, and this was the following february). basically, I haven't been a part of the family since I was a kid, and even then, the rare occasions that we visited were so uncomfortable we couldn't wait to go home. I do have some good memories of my grandma from when I was a little kid. And of course I loved her, and I'm sad she's gone. But the funeral is tomorrow and I don't really want to go. it's going to be a fiasco between all the relatives, most of whom wouldn't throw me a rope if I were drowning. It's not going to be a peaceful ordeal. And another reason I don't want to go is I don't like funerals in general. right now I can think of her and I remember a lively, sweet lady baking in the kitchen, overnights at her house, etc. I do not want to add to that a vivid memory of her thin, dead body in a box. And as far as saying my goodbyes, I'd be more comfortable going by myself to her grave so I can personally tell her in a more quiet moment that I love her and miss her. do you think I'm being selfish by not going?