This thread has managed to mash two of my angry buttons. On the one hand, I decided not to read any more of it... on the other hand, I feel like I should add my $.02 to try and rebut the things that are making me mad. I'm going to try to be constructive and non-inflammatory.
The following are my opinions re two current discussion hot topics, followed by my credentials, and the advice I offer the OP.
1. Marriage. The current typical American marriage has managed to discredit itself. Weddings are an industry, divorce is easy and accessible, lawyers are hungry, and there are some people who WANT to get married but aren't "allowed" to. Politicians and clergy who are so eager to crow about family values and marriage and such, yet so many of them are caught with their naughty bits in all sorts of inappropriate (by their own standards) places/people/??, and are simultaneously preventing a significant portion of the American population from pursuing their own personal happiness. So why should I partake of a losing proposition (check the stats at www.divorcerate.org), available to only the select "proper" population, that's endorsed by a bunch of hypocrites?
As an individual choice that's entered into thoughtfully, I say Aye! Get married! Do what you want! But don't get married JUST because it's expected, because it's the norm, the process, conforming to the status quo.
And frankly, I believe the pro-marriage peeps I've heard (not only here) who advocate marriage in order to preserve your property rights upon divorce are merely reinforcing the double standard that's discrediting the ideal. (Children change this equation; see below)
As a personal aside: If you're not married, that doesn't mean it's easier to "just get up and leave".
2. Planned Parenthood. Oh, this one **really** mashes that angry button. In this particular instance, I believe that Planned Parenthood is an EXCELLENT resource for 19 year old Mama-wanna-be. They provide counseling re young parenthood. They provide low-cost birth control to women who aren't ready to have children. They provide emergency birth control to women who've had an "accident" (broken condom, rape, antibiotics-reduced-efficacy, missed birth control pills... and the "morning after" pill would more than likely act before the sperm actually implants the egg.). Since the goal here seems to be to keep dear daughter from getting pregnant until she fully understands the consequences and is really ready to do so, Planned Parenthood sounds IDEAL! They do also provide low cost OBGYN services for healthy women who are both pregnant and not, as well as men's sexual health, STD screening and treatment, LGBT counseling, Education, etc etc etc, if you can read past the first line of the alphabetically-organized menus. I believe that if dear daughter gets pregnant, Planned Parenthood is not going to counsel her straight into an abortion. Give DD more credit than that, eh?
I'm a 32-year-old, jaded, childless, Agnostic, Gen-X Upstart Whippersnapper. I finished High School well above average, went to college far from home, got a Degree and then a Masters, and work in an office that doesn't recognize Casual Friday. I live in my recently-purchased first home with my boyfriend of 7 years and two cats. One day, I will have a dog and some chickens, and I might even decide I'm "ready" to have a kid. I doubt I'll ever get married, tho my circumstances might change in the next 40 years and I will be open to a change of mind.
My advice to you regarding dear daughter is this:
College isn't for everyone right out of High School. I believe that if I'd waited a few years, worked, tried a couple different jobs, I would know myself better, know what I wanted better, and would be able to approach college (or vocational training) with far more desire and ambition, than to go straight out of high school into college to study ... something ... simply because that's the way it's done. And by the time Jr. is in school, maybe that's the time to go to college or get your vocational training, when you've had 6 years to learn what you like to do and what you don't. Approaching higher education or career training with more maturity is better than straight outta high school, independent for the first time, and bombarded with things to do that are far more "fun" than studying and taking advantage of your brains and educational opportunities, and being financially responsible (oooh look! a credit card! la la lalalalala!).
Having a child early takes advantage of the flexible, invincible personality that young adults have. Biologically, they're prepared. They can stay up all night and bounce back the next day. They're physically resilient. They're stronger and more eager. They're preventing an overlarge generational gap. They'll still be young when Jr leaves the nest, and perhaps better able to seize the freedom (see above re education; it applies to having fun as well. I had stupid fun when I was in my 20's, and wish I'd learned responsibility first). I'm not saying that right now is the right time, but it might not be the wrong time either.
A marriage certificate only means as much as the people who signed it are willing to put in. That doesn't change just because there's a legal connection. I believe, personally, that standing up in front of a hundred friends and family members and declaring your intention to be together is far more important than registering that intention with the state. Children do affect those rights, however, and perhaps a study of precedents and legal issues re custody in both married and unmarried (DNA donor) situations would help DD and her boyfriend to make an educated decision that is best for them and their child.
If they're living on her own, financially independent, and treat each other well, let them do what they want. But help them educate themselves to the options, express your opinions and concerns (also, hopefully, educated), and ultimately support their decisions.
Good luck.
The following are my opinions re two current discussion hot topics, followed by my credentials, and the advice I offer the OP.
1. Marriage. The current typical American marriage has managed to discredit itself. Weddings are an industry, divorce is easy and accessible, lawyers are hungry, and there are some people who WANT to get married but aren't "allowed" to. Politicians and clergy who are so eager to crow about family values and marriage and such, yet so many of them are caught with their naughty bits in all sorts of inappropriate (by their own standards) places/people/??, and are simultaneously preventing a significant portion of the American population from pursuing their own personal happiness. So why should I partake of a losing proposition (check the stats at www.divorcerate.org), available to only the select "proper" population, that's endorsed by a bunch of hypocrites?
As an individual choice that's entered into thoughtfully, I say Aye! Get married! Do what you want! But don't get married JUST because it's expected, because it's the norm, the process, conforming to the status quo.
And frankly, I believe the pro-marriage peeps I've heard (not only here) who advocate marriage in order to preserve your property rights upon divorce are merely reinforcing the double standard that's discrediting the ideal. (Children change this equation; see below)
As a personal aside: If you're not married, that doesn't mean it's easier to "just get up and leave".
2. Planned Parenthood. Oh, this one **really** mashes that angry button. In this particular instance, I believe that Planned Parenthood is an EXCELLENT resource for 19 year old Mama-wanna-be. They provide counseling re young parenthood. They provide low-cost birth control to women who aren't ready to have children. They provide emergency birth control to women who've had an "accident" (broken condom, rape, antibiotics-reduced-efficacy, missed birth control pills... and the "morning after" pill would more than likely act before the sperm actually implants the egg.). Since the goal here seems to be to keep dear daughter from getting pregnant until she fully understands the consequences and is really ready to do so, Planned Parenthood sounds IDEAL! They do also provide low cost OBGYN services for healthy women who are both pregnant and not, as well as men's sexual health, STD screening and treatment, LGBT counseling, Education, etc etc etc, if you can read past the first line of the alphabetically-organized menus. I believe that if dear daughter gets pregnant, Planned Parenthood is not going to counsel her straight into an abortion. Give DD more credit than that, eh?
I'm a 32-year-old, jaded, childless, Agnostic, Gen-X Upstart Whippersnapper. I finished High School well above average, went to college far from home, got a Degree and then a Masters, and work in an office that doesn't recognize Casual Friday. I live in my recently-purchased first home with my boyfriend of 7 years and two cats. One day, I will have a dog and some chickens, and I might even decide I'm "ready" to have a kid. I doubt I'll ever get married, tho my circumstances might change in the next 40 years and I will be open to a change of mind.
My advice to you regarding dear daughter is this:
College isn't for everyone right out of High School. I believe that if I'd waited a few years, worked, tried a couple different jobs, I would know myself better, know what I wanted better, and would be able to approach college (or vocational training) with far more desire and ambition, than to go straight out of high school into college to study ... something ... simply because that's the way it's done. And by the time Jr. is in school, maybe that's the time to go to college or get your vocational training, when you've had 6 years to learn what you like to do and what you don't. Approaching higher education or career training with more maturity is better than straight outta high school, independent for the first time, and bombarded with things to do that are far more "fun" than studying and taking advantage of your brains and educational opportunities, and being financially responsible (oooh look! a credit card! la la lalalalala!).
Having a child early takes advantage of the flexible, invincible personality that young adults have. Biologically, they're prepared. They can stay up all night and bounce back the next day. They're physically resilient. They're stronger and more eager. They're preventing an overlarge generational gap. They'll still be young when Jr leaves the nest, and perhaps better able to seize the freedom (see above re education; it applies to having fun as well. I had stupid fun when I was in my 20's, and wish I'd learned responsibility first). I'm not saying that right now is the right time, but it might not be the wrong time either.
A marriage certificate only means as much as the people who signed it are willing to put in. That doesn't change just because there's a legal connection. I believe, personally, that standing up in front of a hundred friends and family members and declaring your intention to be together is far more important than registering that intention with the state. Children do affect those rights, however, and perhaps a study of precedents and legal issues re custody in both married and unmarried (DNA donor) situations would help DD and her boyfriend to make an educated decision that is best for them and their child.
If they're living on her own, financially independent, and treat each other well, let them do what they want. But help them educate themselves to the options, express your opinions and concerns (also, hopefully, educated), and ultimately support their decisions.
Good luck.
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