soon to be 19 yr old DD just told me.........UPdate.......post1

[Katy]

Ultimately whatever she decides to do, it's her decision and there's nothing you can do about it. You can make the decision to remain there for her no matter what happens in the future with her and the baby's father, or you can let her sink or swim on her own. Personally I've chosen to remain there for mine no matter what stupid decisions they were making at that point in their lives. They always knew I didn't agree or approve of all their choices, but that I was there for them if they needed me. They (and me) all survived those years and they have grown up to be productive young (33,31,28 years old) people with families of their own.

 

[redhen]

Also..like another poster said..
At least she DID come to you BEFORE she was pregnant and talk to you about it. That says something good right there...

 

[saddina]

At the risk of being dropped off a cliff....

I wasn't much older when I had my boy, and he was very much wanted, very much loved and still has both parents. His father asked me to marry him before he was concieved, and kept asking. I didn't want people to think we had to be married because I was pregnant, and frankly I was in no rush to be married. As much as young women hear about first marriages failing, and how nothing stays the same, I don't blame her for saying, i love you, I'm not going anywhere, but I'm not signing up for marriage and the changes that come.

I did end up marring Mr. Saddi, at about 7 months along, bad as it sounds, it was a money decision, married I'd pay nothing to have the baby, our combined insurance covered it all. Do I regret marring him, no. But does being married make me love him more? Or somehow magically more commited to him? Nope. I am here because i love him, not because we are married, but because of who he is.

 

[redhen]

Its just my opinion..i think that you should be married before having children..or at the very least..be planning to get married.
I know that a piece of paper wont make you love your husband even more... or make the relationship better..
but still....its my opinion.. marriage IS important to me if you plan on having children. Just my opinion.

To each their own though..its still a free country,, last time i checked.. ...

 

[saddina]

Oh no worries red, I still adore you. Marriage just doesn't mean what it used to, to many young people.

 

[kelseygirl707]

Wow, I'm not sure what to say. 19 is very young, but some women mature differently in this aspect. There is no doubt that it will be difficult, but I would imagine having a baby at any age would be difficult. My best friend is now 21, she got pregnant at 18, had her first baby at 19, got married to her boyfriend at 20, and recently gave birth to number 2 who was planned. She and her husband are amazing parents, they both work, and he goes to school. And both a wouldn't have it any other way.

I know from a very young age I knew all I wanted in life was to be a mommy, I am now almost 23 and have been trying to conceive #1 for about 18 months now. We are just starting fertility treatments. The one thing I keep hearing over an over again, is "You're soo young, why don't you wait, and enjoy the quality time with your husband, you'll never get that back". But really I wish people would stop saying that, we have both put serous thought into this, it's not a decision we have taken lightly by any means, and we know we are making the right choice for us. I just told my mom a couple of weeks ago that we have been trying for a baby, I waited a long time to tell her because I was afraid she would not support our choice, but she is completely fine with it, she told me that we are adults, and only we have the right to make decisions for us. We haven't told DH's family because they have made it clear they don't approve, but I don't feel they have a right to make such a joyous part of our lives into something bad.

Sorry I'm rambling, basically what I'm getting at is. Yes she is young, but do you think her and her BF are able to handle having a baby, both mentally and financially. Every person matures differently, do you thing she is mature for her age, and has a relationship you see lasting. If she is going to do it no matter what, I figure you might as well be ok with it, because this is a happy thing for her, and it's hard to have something feel so right, but have people tell you its wrong.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
I know and i hear what you are saying..

... and i know that i am a bit old fashioned sometimes too...

 

[ebwy]

I don't think that marriage is necessary to have a stable home to raise a child. Surely 2 parents who love each other and a happy home is better than parents who stay together because they got married but who are just going through the motions because that's what's expected of them?

I don't understand why some people are adamant about you should be married first. Makes no sense to me. Are two people somehow magically more committed if they have a wedding certificate than if they don't? I don't think they are. It's about love and commitment, the certificate is external proof, but maybe they don't NEED that certificate to prove it to each other (and no-one else really has any right to an opinion on their relationship anyway).

It sounds to me that she's probably thought through all the pros and cons and decided that they are ready to have their child now. Much better than deciding at my age (35) and having difficulty conceiving or finding out that they've left it too late.

some people are ready at 19, some aren't ready until they're much older.
my ex inlaws say they are glad they had their children young, it means they get to have the freedom to do what they want now when they aren't struggling to make ends meet (as it happens, what they wanted to do was move back to their home town to help look after their parents)

It sounds like they are aware of what they're doing - just make sure they ARE ok and DO love each other and aren't having a baby to patch the relationship up, then enjoy the fact that it's a child you get to love and spoil without the extra responsibility for making decisions for him/her.

 

[agnes_day]

the thing is though, if you are married, that gives you legal rights and such..like alimony, insurance benefits, social security benefits if your spouse dies...and if they decide to divorce you can divide property instead of the other half just taking off with whatever.
and really..there is nothing better than looking back on the years you have been married and knowing that someone loves you enough to promise themselves to you for the rest of your life.

our 18th anniversary is this summer and i am so proud that we have stuck with it all through the good and bad times and that we made a real commitment.

 

[ebwy]

I guess it's different over here then - the social security system doesn't treat you any differently if you are cohabiting OR if you are married, as far as I can tell. If you are living together as a couple then you have the same benefits.

property owned between you is still legally divided between the two of you if you split - a friend had to get a lawyer involved when her former partner left, just the same as if they'd been married.


I'm looking back on the 11 years of my marriage and wondering "why?" about it. I made a lifetime commitment to the ex, but he obviously changed his mind over the last decade or so. Having it be legal has just added a financial cost to the break-up, it certainly hasn't prevented it. Should all be over with soon though, leaving me and fiance free to marry. Which we are planning to do, because we want to. But we've already promised each other the same things we will repeat in the legal ceremony, the legal ceremony is because we want it not because we need it to feel any more committed to each other. And it means I don't need to go through more legal hassles to not have the ex's surname any more - I will take fiance's name when we marry. If something were to happen to him, I will legally change my name to his anyway.