SOOOOOO stinkin mad at my daughter I could spit nails!

[ranchhand]

I can't speak for the "tough love" approach. By the time I was 17 I was out of my parent's home, by choice, and even visits were torture. They didn't mean to, but they made it impossible for a young woman to ever live there. Phone was rationed, chores had to be done, curfews, limited dating, etc. And that WAS AFTER I HAD BEEN ON MY OWN FOR YEARS! I remember spending a weekend there when I was 26 - all the rules still applied. I respected them, but I was ready to leave after 2 hours.

I do think she has been allowed to be too comfortable. Until you make her uncomfortable, she's going to stay on the gravy train.

 

[EHaus]

It's funny I ran across this thread. Yesterday, I was catching up with a long-lost friend, and she told me about how she and her partner have taken in her niece. This girl is 19, and has not taken a job after 3 months of living with them rent free. Plus, she hoards food in her room, which is an open invitation to vermin...it's that time of year in Colorado. So they are on the verge of sending her packing...putting her on the plane to Arizona to let her mom deal with her.

My own son is on the streets at this time. He grew up with his dad, and has dropped out of school at 18 with only months to go before graduating. He's welcome to come up here to live, when he has a diploma or a GED in his hands AND stops smoking weed. We can't afford to let him stay with us if he has no way of getting a job.

I think that there is a period of time in a kids life between 18-21 where they/we just sink before they get the hang of swimming. My husband, many friends and I all went through a minimum wage - earning, mayonnaise sandwich - eating, roach infested apartment - living time. Then we grew up!

It might let you blow off some steam to go ahead and start putting that "pigsty" into trash bags. The room will look more empty to you...and scary to your daughter.

Good luck to you!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
This is one possible solution. However, if you think that you will spend most of your free time having to harass her into actually doing the work, than I vote for the following:

Quote:
It would be uncomfortable enough to hopefully propel her into action but not so much that it would cause her to act out of desperation.

One of my larger concerns with tossing her out on her own is that the warning was a very long time ago, and not enforced. Even if the toss out is to a tent in the yard, I think a current warning with a specified timeline (somehting along the lines of "you must to a, b, or c by next Saturday, October 2nd, or ... [you can no longer live here, you must return all keys, we will not longer support you in any way, and that includes providing a home, etc.]" needs to be re-issued, and then upheld. Not upholding the first ultimatum was not good, and providing an endless statement of utimatums is even worse, but it has been so long since the first was issued that one new one needs to be set, and if there is no immediate effort on her part, daily reminders need to be issued.

 

[debilorrah]

It is pot. Not "just pot". It is still illegal, no matter how you look at it. The problem with her is she feels it is not harmful in any way shape or form.

I am NOT going to spend my hard earned money on giving her a home test. Forget THAT one!!!!! No way in hell.

Ken said Oct 31st at the very latest. Now we have to find her to let her know. I am still hoppin mad.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
This is one possible solution. However, if you think that you will spend most of your free time having to harass her into actually doing the work, than I vote for the following:

Quote:
It would be uncomfortable enough to hopefully propel her into action but not so much that it would cause her to act out of desperation.

One of my larger concerns with tossing her out on her own is that the warning was a very long time ago, and not enforced. Even if the toss out is to a tent in the yard, I think a current warning with a specified timeline (somehting along the lines of "you must to a, b, or c by next Saturday, October 2nd, or ... [you can no longer live here, you must return all keys, we will not longer support you in any way, and that includes providing a home, etc.]" needs to be re-issued, and then upheld. Not upholding the first ultimatum was not good, and providing an endless statement of utimatums is even worse, but it has been so long since the first was issued that one new one needs to be set, and if there is no immediate effort on her part, daily reminders need to be issued.

The problem was she would sign up for school, then quit, then start another school, then quit, etc. We were upholding it to the best our ability. Over the last three months she has done NOTHING. And I am now done. If Ken goes back on his word, we will be having words.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
The train just ran outta steam.

 

[Whispering Winds]

I am sort of the same mind set that some of the others are on here; kicking a girl out can be scary in these days. You would NEVER want to put her in a position where she would be literally on the street with NO where to go. Evil is lurking about and I shudder to think about what could happen. Even small towns have their share of horror these days.

But, on the other hand, and I speak from experience, its time to crack down and lay down the law. I think she blew the job because, as others said, she didn't "own it." Still, for you to go to so much time and trouble and for her to pull that on you is the ultimate taboo. I can just imagine the rage you felt; you want to beat them till they pee and then beat them for peeing. Been there, and thought that. . .

The tent is a good idea . . .and make it good quality DOUBLE roll toilet paper so she doesn't have to come back in to ask for more. . .few nights of that and she will get the idea or make a plan.

Good luck. Kids, God lov em. Can't kill em, can't eat em, just have to love them and kick them to the curb when necessary.

 

[EweSheep]

sounds nice to have a tent but it really does not teach much of anything if she had no motivation in doing anything about it.

Time to take her to a good shelter and I am sure you can talk to them beforehand and let them know you will not support her anymore. In those women shelters, they have job positions and so forth.

Hope your hubby takes his word seriously. It will be war if he does not back up what he says.

 

[babylady4]

Too bad you can't MAKE her join the Peace Corps.

Something so she has her eyes opened to how some people have to live.... the shelter is not a bad idea at all........

 

[PineappleMama]

Quote:
That was a lesson it took us a while to learn when our Aunt (and her two boys, DS's age and 4 yrs older) stayed here... she didn't bother putting in Apps, blew her food stamps on DP and Cheetos DAILY, full size bags and 2 liters here, didn't help with chores, didn't get her kids to, ate all over the house leaving a trail of mess... contributed NOTHING, took everything... then we cut off computer access, harped massively on the rules (for pete's sake at the table wear a flipping shirt)... didn't take long for them to get sick of it and leave... moved out, stayed with her Sis for a while, now has work, a place, kids in steady school.... never would have happened if we'd let her keep using us.

Still feel like a moron for letting it last so long, and still feel guilty for running them out (even with the positive effects) but it needed doing.

But at least Aunt wasn't doping while here... not to say she didn't, just not when she had no cash.