THe i want to slap my stepdaughter upside her head rant by Conny

[chickfillhay]

I know I'm a little late on the game but BOY!, I sure do commiserate with your problem.

Check my last post regarding a divorced dh... In random ramblings - called OOHH!UGGH!GRRR!Rant Hubby's Ex! NEED TO VENT!!!!!!!!!! I know exactly what you're going thru. But be careful what you write. When my stepsons got home. The eldest walked in his room and the first thing he saw was my ramblings in print. Mean spirited adults gave this to a then 12/13 year old boy. Boy I should be able to rant without his MOM involving him. If it bothered her she should've yelled at me. Not him. Good thing I had nothing but good things to say about him and his brother.
BUT NOT HIS MOTHER #@%($... Sorry, getting emotional again. Gotta stop that!!!!!!!!

It wasn't very good after that. Now I am the "reason" why the boy won't come to visit for the summer this year.

Of course not that his mom constantly buys him off with STUFF that we couldn't possibly compete with.
He is a teen now and wants wants wants...

But of course when something goes wrong it is my fault. Now I learned to take the good with the bad. And just let it roll off my back.

Because no matter what I try to do to make them happy... It won't.
So no stress here.

Not my kids. Although I love them very much.

I can't and won't fight their parents. Their problems were their problems long before I came down the pike. And they will continue to be their problems.

NO ONE IS GONNA PUSH MY BUTTONS ANYMORE!

I am the adult here and the children are not at fault. But their parents sure are.

 

[TexasVet]

Quote:
I would hope that I never learn to compromise my beliefs just because it might be easier to keep the peace than to fight for what is right (and make the children better people for it in the long run).

Ok, whatever.

 

[TexasVet]

me&thegals :

KSacres--I used to think that way, too........until I had kids. Tell me this, if something does go wrong in your relationship, who protects the kids? Marriages should be high priority and it's really great you put your marriage as top priority. I try to, too. But, kids are very needy little buggers and sometimes they simply have to be put first. You can love your spouse like crazy, and then develop a crazy strong different kind of love for your child. And, this SD was once a little child, probably only about 10 when dad remarried.

Regarding the OP, the whole tone drives me nutty. Slapping her upside the head? Symbolic cuss words to describe her? Yes, children should be respectful. So should adults. Yes, the husband could step in and try for some great communication. So could the step-mother. Why set yourself up for evil stepmother versus evil stepdaughter? You are BOTH fighting over this man. Why? He is your husband. He is her father. Where's the conflict? Can he not be a loving husband and father at the same time?

I think some really mature conversational skills would be very helpful here. I also agree that simply refusing to fight might be helpful. And, as far as I know, a person still has the right to invite whomever they wish to their wedding. I guess your husband could refuse to go since his wife is not invited. Or, maybe you could acknowledge that your being there might be a very painful thing on a really important day. Since your relationships sound very adversarial, I guess I can understand that.

Good luck!

Bravo!​

 

[Julie08]

Doesnt matter if the child is step or homemade, parents have to show a united front, or the kids walk all over you.

 

[horsejody]

Quote:
Absolutely!

 

[Katy]

Quote:
Bravo!

Sooooo true me&thegals. And very well stated

I have a sister in law that had all the answers too before she had kids. Me and the other siblings just sat back and waited because we knew the day would come she'd have to start eating her words.....and they did.

 

[ODS-n-ENS FARM]

Quote:

 

[ksacres]

me&thegals :

Tell me this, if something does go wrong in your relationship, who protects the kids? Marriages should be high priority and it's really great you put your marriage as top priority. I try to, too. But, kids are very needy little buggers and sometimes they simply have to be put first.

I don't think I understand the question.

In this kind of a situation, the kids should not come first. These are adult children we are talking about here, not taking Sally to soccer or Billy to ball practice, wiping a snotty nose, or getting homework done.

Looking at all these posts telling her that the children come first no matter the cost shows me all I need to know about divorce rates-and the reason there are sooo many step kids out there to begin with. (Now before anyone gets all upset, please remember that I'M a stepchild, which means my parents, whom I love, are divorcees-both learned a lot and are happily remarried)

I can't believe anyone thinks it's ok for those kids to call her a Nazi. Would you let your kids yell that to a stranger on the street? I thought not, and yet, you tell her it's ok for her CHILDREN to say this to her?

Disrespect is disrespect, if you wouldn't let a your kids say it to a stranger, why in the world would you let them say it to your spouse?​

 

[me&thegals]

I'm glad you have a good marriage. I do, too. But, let's say it all falls to heck and you have to choose between him or the kids. Are you literally going to leave them? I don't want to be condescending, but until you have kids you really (IMO) cannot understand the visceral protection you will feel for them. But, I digress from the original post...

In a healthy family, parents can have a great relationship with each other and with their kids and nobody feels threatened, only safe. Obviously, divorce and remarriages complicates all of it. I'm just saying a person should never try to get between a child and parent, just like a child shouldn't try to get between parents.

And, as I already said, of COURSE children should be expected to be respectful. AS SHOULD the adults! I don't think a rant thread like this is very respectful or mature. It's definitely not modeling the respect and maturity she expects from her husband's daughter.

No, my kids don't get to sass off. But, I am also not threatened by their close relationship with their father (my husband). I imagine if I were threatened by that, they could come up with all sorts of ways to try to fight back.

ETA: I want to reiterate the point that although the daughter is 18 now, she was only 10 when her dad remarried, probably younger than that when he began the new relationship. I guess the OP should answer the question, since I don't know, but I would be shocked if these issues all of a sudden popped up when the daughter turned 18. AND, parent-child relationships don't end at 18. AFAIK, a person still has a lot of emotional growing to do after age 18, especially if they have lots of family trauma they're working through.

 

[Katy]

Quote:
I don't think I understand the question.

In this kind of a situation, the kids should not come first. These are adult children we are talking about here, not taking Sally to soccer or Billy to ball practice, wiping a snotty nose, or getting homework done.

Looking at all these posts telling her that the children come first no matter the cost shows me all I need to know about divorce rates-and the reason there are sooo many step kids out there to begin with. (Now before anyone gets all upset, please remember that I'M a stepchild, which means my parents, whom I love, are divorcees-both learned a lot and are happily remarried)

I can't believe anyone thinks it's ok for those kids to call her a Nazi. Would you let your kids yell that to a stranger on the street? I thought not, and yet, you tell her it's ok for her CHILDREN to say this to her?

Disrespect is disrespect, if you wouldn't let a your kids say it to a stranger, why in the world would you let them say it to your spouse?

So it's ok for the step mom to talk the way she did about slapping her upside the head and post the "cursing" description her SD? Where's the respect in that? You have to give respect to get it and I have a gut feeling it's been lacking on both sides in this case. If you do that on a public forum to lots of people you really don't know, then I hate to think what has passed between them in private. Respect is certainly lacking with the father who allows them to act like that towards each other.

I have to leave for awhile, but I'll return to see how it's going.