THe i want to slap my stepdaughter upside her head rant by Conny

[debilorrah]

me&thegals :

I'm glad you have a good marriage. I do, too. But, let's say it all falls to heck and you have to choose between him or the kids. Are you literally going to leave them? I don't want to be condescending, but until you have kids you really (IMO) cannot understand the visceral protection you will feel for them. But, I digress from the original post...

In a healthy family, parents can have a great relationship with each other and with their kids and nobody feels threatened, only safe. Obviously, divorce and remarriages complicates all of it. I'm just saying a person should never try to get between a child and parent, just like a child shouldn't try to get between parents.

And, as I already said, of COURSE children should be expected to be respectful. AS SHOULD the adults! I don't think a rant thread like this is very respectful or mature. It's definitely not modeling the respect and maturity she expects from her husband's daughter.

No, my kids don't get to sass off. But, I am also not threatened by their close relationship with their father (my husband). I imagine if I were threatened by that, they could come up with all sorts of ways to try to fight back.

ETA: I want to reiterate the point that although the daughter is 18 now, she was only 10 when her dad remarried, probably younger than that when he began the new relationship. I guess the OP should answer the question, since I don't know, but I would be shocked if these issues all of a sudden popped up when the daughter turned 18. AND, parent-child relationships don't end at 18. AFAIK, a person still has a lot of emotional growing to do after age 18, especially if they have lots of family trauma they're working through.

If the kids are over 18 it makes a HUGE difference.​

 

[debilorrah]

It's a rant. It's what we do when we rant.

 

[ksacres]

me&thegals :

I'm glad you have a good marriage. I do, too. But, let's say it all falls to heck and you have to choose between him or the kids. Are you literally going to leave them?

If I understand the question correctly, the answer is yes, I would leave, kids or no kids.

I can tell you for a fact that it is much healthier for two parents to live seperate (happy) lives than to live together in one miserable one. Bitterness radiates.

But yes, we have gone off on a bit of a tangent.​

 

[me&thegals]

I understand that

(ETA: I meant this to be in response to Debiraymond) But, it sounds like total lack of respect is THE point here. How does starting a disrespectful thread referring to slapping and ripping the daughter to shreds generate an attitude of respect in the family?

I guess the OP could have posted something like "Having Issues With My Stepdaughter" thread and referred to her as step-daughter or husband's daughter rather than *(#$#(*# daughter. That might have made me understand her issues in a completely different context rather than getting a sour taste in my mouth.

 

[horsejody]

me&thegals :

I'm glad you have a good marriage. I do, too. But, let's say it all falls to heck and you have to choose between him or the kids. Are you literally going to leave them? I don't want to be condescending, but until you have kids you really (IMO) cannot understand the visceral protection you will feel for them. But, I digress from the original post...

In a healthy family, parents can have a great relationship with each other and with their kids and nobody feels threatened, only safe. Obviously, divorce and remarriages complicates all of it. I'm just saying a person should never try to get between a child and parent, just like a child shouldn't try to get between parents.

And, as I already said, of COURSE children should be expected to be respectful. AS SHOULD the adults! I don't think a rant thread like this is very respectful or mature. It's definitely not modeling the respect and maturity she expects from her husband's daughter.

No, my kids don't get to sass off. But, I am also not threatened by their close relationship with their father (my husband). I imagine if I were threatened by that, they could come up with all sorts of ways to try to fight back.

ETA: I want to reiterate the point that although the daughter is 18 now, she was only 10 when her dad remarried, probably younger than that when he began the new relationship. I guess the OP should answer the question, since I don't know, but I would be shocked if these issues all of a sudden popped up when the daughter turned 18. AND, parent-child relationships don't end at 18. AFAIK, a person still has a lot of emotional growing to do after age 18, especially if they have lots of family trauma they're working through.

If you can't rant with your friends and get it off your chest, then where can you? It's better to air it out here on a somewhat annonymous forum and get ideas and opinions than to let it build up inside and become toxic. The issue isn't Connie getting between her husband and his kids. The issue is a brat calling her stepmother names and her father being OK with it. The brat may have been a kid when her dad remarried, but she needs to get over it. And Dad needs to set some boundaries because the daughters need them. Saying that someone isn't expected to act mature at age 18 because of family trauma is a cop out that just enables kids to keep acting disrespectful. I'm sure that Connie has spent many years tolerating this abuse, but now that the girls are grown it needs to stop. Nobody should ever be a doormat - NOT EVEN TO YOUR KIDS OR STEPKIDS.​

 

[TexasVet]

Quote:
The problem with all this on-line ranting is that it is PUBLIC. If the daughter is online, and we know she is, it's possible for her to find and read this thread. If my stepmother was ranting about me online, using the "slapping" and "*#@*" terminology, I wouldn't want to make nice either.

This adage still applies... if you wouldn't want to see it in your hometown newspaper, don't post it online.

 

[breezy]

Quote:
Ksacres
I dont know you at all but I have to say I am really impressed with what you have to say about marriage and children. You are young to have such wisdom and such good grounding. I do not believe that your marriage will ever be a casualty of divorce because in my opinion you have exactly the right attitude beliefs towards marriage. I am sure your husband understands what a jewel he has in you but if he ever forgets just point him towards me and I'll remind him for ya!

 

[me&thegals]

Totally agree with HorseJody

My point is this has probably been a long, ongoing thing. That doesn't make it okay, but it might explain why an 18 year old is still getting away with it.

And yes, the daughter needs to learn to be respectful and grow up. But were you all COMPLETELY grown up by age 18? And, where is she supposed to find these wonderful examples of respect and maturity? Hopefully from her parents...

And the issue (while OP may not see it this way) is that the daughter perceives her as getting between her and her dad. Doesn't anybody think this family could use some calm, loving, respectful, mature communication?!?!

 

[ksacres]

Quote:
It was a rant. On a chicken forum. Lots of people post rants on here. It's a way to blow off steam so that you don't blow up in real life.

I have said before that I agree-the dh needs to lay down the law. Until he does, it's unlikely that anything of real value will be accomplished.

My problem is with people saying she should just allow those grown kids to walk all over her. She shouldn't. People need to make their kids accountable.

I don't think my take on the importance of teaching respect and morality is likely to change drastically upon the birth of a child. I would hope that it would become stronger. It's part of wanting a child to be the best that they can be.

 

[conny63malies]

Quote:
If the kids are over 18 it makes a HUGE difference.

we met in JUNE 00, got married in April 01.
thet got divorced in NOV 99 and she got remarried in MAR 00.
He got the papers served in germany while she kept the kids in Florida.