What is one to do with Mothers?

[NoseyChickens]

For the well being of my children and for my sanity I have recently cut my mother out of my life. The damage she has done over the years could just no longer be ignored. It hurts, it's horrible. But I have an amazing and supportive husband, sister and father behind me and I know that this is the best thing for me and my children. I spent years trying to help my mother and take care of her, even as a teenager, it's time she took responsiblity for herself and her actions. I don't think she ever will. Unfortuantely my life is better without her in it.

 

[Slinkytoys]

Well, you've received some good advice. Now you have to explore WHY you are putting yourself (and your family) in this drama. You seem to want your mother to adhere to some wonderful outcome that will fill your emptiness. It's not going to happen. We can want this sooooo much, but she's not going to change. Only you can heal your wounds and understand that this woman will never follow the script you have in your head. Hubby and daughter should be your first priority. You can't change the family dynamics. Keep repeating that to yourself. Over and over again.
Best wishes,
Slinky

 

[cmjust0]

Quote:
Brother....last I checked, I'm a dude.

Now it appears our family is growing.

Agreed...apparently this type of mother isn't terribly uncommon.

vfem - sick or not, it's a toxic situation. Your #1 priority is your family and yourself. She has a husband and a live-in daughter who should be a little grateful by doing something to help. It is unfair and unreasonable for you to take all this responsibility on yourself and only get grief and disrespect for it.
You must take care of yourself! I agree with your mother on one thing only - "Mind your own business!"

Yep x 100.

 

[vfem]

Can I say, I'm so sad to see so many people in a similar situation. Mothers are supposed to be a strong influence in our lives right? My sister tells me all the time I'm just like my mom... then my husband says I am NOTHING like her. (Though I do look like her.)

I understand fights, and family arguements... but I don't understand why someone would act like they do. All I can think is Senile... and aren't we a many years off from that yet?

 

[Catstar68]

Quote:
Brother....last I checked, I'm a dude.

Now it appears our family is growing.

Agreed...apparently this type of mother isn't terribly uncommon.

vfem - sick or not, it's a toxic situation. Your #1 priority is your family and yourself. She has a husband and a live-in daughter who should be a little grateful by doing something to help. It is unfair and unreasonable for you to take all this responsibility on yourself and only get grief and disrespect for it.
You must take care of yourself! I agree with your mother on one thing only - "Mind your own business!"

Yep x 100.

oops. brain fart. I think the term I was looking for was 'siblings'

anyhow, I remember we had the same mother.​

 

[vfem]

If we all had the same mama, she got around that's all I can say! LOL

 

[Catstar68]

Quote:
Hon, maybe she is senile, maybe she isn't but it is her husband's responsibility to take care of her. Just as it is your husband's responsibility to care for you. You are her daughter, not her mother.
I always loved this poem about parents and children:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And although they are with you they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which youcannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that his arrow may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies; so He loves also the bow that is stable.


I love that poem (from The Prophet, by Khalil Gibran). We are all arrows and some of us become bows but we all have the responsibility to perform our roles and allow others to do the same. Your mother is missing that life lesson. I know mine did. I only truly became free when I finally accepted that the fairytale story of the 'good mother' was never going to apply to me. There came a point when I decided that I simply did not need a mother any longer, that I was strong enough to stand on my own and smart enough to know where to look to for wisdom and advice and I simply needed to move on into my future, rather than being tied to her past.

 

[justbugged]

Sorry if my early post was offensive to some. The point I was trying to make is hopefully best explained with the question "What am I doing that is contributing to this situation?" We can't change anyone else. We can only change ourselves.

I did understand the vfem took responsibility for her part in the exchange with her mother, and was only venting. Even if it is all the other persons fault, then what are you doing there. If it was a stranger I wouldn't do anymore than maybe call the cops. ( I am also fairly sure I wouldn't if it was my mother. It would depend on how bad the bridge needed burned. For everyone it is not wise to start there, but where is the rule that says you can't do it ever.)

So why do we tolerate the abuse. I was conditioned to be abused, I still don't always have the best clues when it is happing. What I can do is identify it and not participate when I finally figure it out. For me that has meant severe limits on the people that conditioned and wrote on my soul. I know that my heart is in the right place even if I am often misunderstood.

So with this said I have nothing more to add.

 

[Catstar68]

Quote:

you don't know the half of it.....

 

[Catstar68]

Quote:
I understand what you mean. No one can take advantage of us without our permission. When abuse is happening it is always a bad situation but it never 'just happens'. It is a slow build up, a conditioning like you said. An abusive mother has years of impressionable time with a child to do her damage and the child grows up thinking that it is normal. We all get sold the 'perfect mother' story and one day we wake up and say to ourselves 'Who is this evil witch that is coming to Christmas dinner with my father?'. Then the confusion begins...
But I understand where you're coming from, justbugged. We truly cannot change other people, just ourselves and our attitude about things. Only the individual knows ultimately what is best for themselves.