January 29, we will be celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary. We were friends since we were 10th grade. Because we were friends only until after high school, we knew each other pretty well. I LIKED him a long time before I could sift through what it meant to me to LOVE him. When it occured to me that I'd rather spend my time with him than any other guy was a tipping point, but I also had a lot of respect for him, his ideals too. He made me laugh, we could communicate, although not always agree, we were always there for each other. The guy could send my heart racing faster than I could keep up with it, and I learned that it wasn't the Marine Corp uniform but the man beneath it whom held, still holds my heart. He is solid, and stubborn, gentle enough to carefully scoop up an injured dog, pretends indifference to chickens, but names the first one. He's the first people call with a need. He's prone to leave dirty clothes on the floor still, shoes where I trip over them, toilet ring up at night, but isn't afraid to use a washer or drier. Little kids flock and climb all over him, and he believes that we've gone through all we've gone through because God has a plan which includes us. He's nearly died but for a real miracle, walked through a serious valley of depression and proved that there is hope. Together our life is richer, complete. It is nice to know that even when we argue, no one walks away. We can't leave alone without a kiss goodbye. We still chase each other around the house, are in the same bed together. When business calls one of us away, I MISS him.
this is it right here.
you guys fill me with hope. my hubby and I are much like this after 11 years, although we didn't grow up together. I hope were even more like this when we've been married 40 years.
I come from a divorced family (mom's been divorced 4 times, all my dads have been divorced 2 or 3 times. mom and some of my dads remain single now) so I didn't learn much about staying married growing up. I have two divorces prior to this marriage, but I'm keeping this one. in my first two marriages (11 and 12 years) I was unhappy much longer than I was happy. this time, 11 years in and I'm still happy... something I attribute in part to my hubby being a nicer and more patient person than I am. he understands how to make relationships work better than I do, and when things are rough, I try to remember that. he has his flaws, as do I, but it's a very good fit between us, no deal breakers, and few enough long-term irritating things. way more joyous things, way more functional things. and he's figured out how to deal with me when I'm upset or crazed, something my exes never did. he has a way of bringing me back to earth and to what's important. plus I just love the heck out of him.
after my second divorce I decided I really didn't know how to stay married, so I interviewed every long-term married couple I could find. there were some things that only one or another couple said, but here's what every one of them said:
1) choose right. pick a partner you can live with
2) accept them as they are, don't try to change them. if you feel you need to, you broke rule #1
3) be kind, be generous with your love, patience, forgiveness, time. you married them, so give what you have to them.
4) remember what's important, take care of that and let go of *everything* else.
really, if you boiled it down to just rule 1 & 4, you'd have it.
the funny thing is there's nothing in there about being "in love". and yet, every one of these couples gets all squishy-face over the other... you can see the love in every one of them.
one of my favorite moments to demonsrate the point is this one... my friend Zara is working behind the counter of her brother's cafe. her hubby Al comes in and sits down at a table in the corner. it's late, he looks exhausted, worn down, clearly has not been an easy day. Zara hasn't seen him come in yet, and he's watching the counter for her. He sees her come out of the kitchen to help a customer and his face just melts, softens, all the fatigue and wear just fades away. he looks 20 years younger, peaceful, in love. Zara sees him, smiles, comes out and sits on his knee, kisses his forehead, runs her hand over his cheek. they've been married 26 years, raised 4 kids, struggled to live in a foriegn country. they're from the middle east, and it was an arranged marriage. they are clearly in love.
married 26 years and his face still melts when he sees her. *that's* what I want in a marriage. that's what I hope my hubby and I are creating.
when I asked them about how they got there, they talked about how hard it was to begin a marriage with someone they'd never met. and about the tough things they'd faced, but what pops out in their conversation is the same list as the other long-term happily married couples I talked to. two of their married children are struggling with their relationships, they say they've tried to explain the things they do that make it work and it's hard for their kids to understand... they grew up in a different world than their parents and they don't see the same things as important. and they struggle to make it work. they're not ready to take Al and Zara's advice.
, so they don't have to make that lifelong commitment by going through the legal ceremony.
