wife and adult stepson

[Mattemma]

Kids are always going to come first,and for some there is the sense of responsibility when their child calls for help.My mom has done that with my brother and it almost cost her the house this last time.After that nightmare she gave him a car and money and said," This is it. I am done." Do you think he learned?Ofcourse not. Keeps writing me about how bad his life is.Oh well. I love him,but I won't send him any money.

You MUST stick with whatever you decide to do.Like a toddler whining for a toy they just won't give up.Set some fair rules and stick with it. My dh pays everything right now,but if I did work there is no way I would consider my paychecks my personal play money,It would go into an account with his paychecks and then we pay bills.

When I was in college I worked nights in the student cafeteria,and on the weekends I drove an hour home,and worked double shifts as a nurse aide.In fact I recall working till 7am on Mondays and then driving back to school for my week of studies. I get tired just thinking of it,but hey at the time it was just the way things were.

Parents do no help by forking out the cash for EVERYTHING.They end up users at 40,50,and 60.My mom tried to give,but I think the guilt over her helping my brother kept me from taking much if anything. I did however ALWAYS take her home cooking.That was better than cash.

Good luck.Life has gotten tough for all ages.If he moves in after college set strict rules. I told my kids they can live at home as adults,but if they don't help out then I am packing the bags for them and changing the locks.Tough love.

 

[EweSheep]

My sister had to deal with that with her 23 year old son, he did work but his credit card bills and kept getting newer cars every year really crippling him and my sister, having to bale out, with my Dad's help paying for their bills that his grandson created. It was her fault babying him but enough was enough, he wasn't going to move out or even go to college or do anything to update his long term goals and his money budget he blows on all of it when he gets it.

She gave him the ultra....move out or go in the Army! Well, he finally went in the Army and he is happy and getting a steady paycheck which he gave it all to his mom to pay for his notes he owes, bank loans and his car. In two years, it will be paid off and he can earn and spend as he likes, hopefully a bit wiser with his money. So he already in the Army since August last year so he has another three and half years left to his commitment.

Maybe it would be a good idea to sit down and talk with your wife. I agree with almost all of the posts about those plans into place that your step son will have to start making it out on his own, even jobs are HARD to come by but he has to make it somehow.

AND put your foot down that he can not come back home either, without any GOOD valid reason...once you leave home, time to spread your wings and be responsible for your welfare.

It is going to be hard but counseling would not be a bad idea to get started on. They can help you two get on the same page and not financially cripple you as well as her, trying to support her grown, gone to college son.

 

[SillyChicken]

too add, help set him up with a financial budgeting plan, he may need to be taught how to manage money, to plan for unexpected costs and a tiny bit away at first for retirement. Lots of kids these days are not taught how to manage money and how to prioritize spending. (may be helpful for your wife as well to see what her spending is doing to her own family's finances).

Good luck....

 

[tamglas]

I agree with SillyChicken. On the other hand, I can relate to your wife and the way she is with her son (my son just turned twenty-three). I was a single parent for many years just barely scraping by. Once I was financially stable I felt like I had something to make up for and felt really guilty about my son's childhood. I'm sure there is more to it but I was helping my son out too much and it was really starting to scare me and my partner. I felt I didn't want my son to suffer. Anyway, a professional therapist was able to coach and guide me so I could let my son deal with his financial problems on his own. It took a few years but I am no longer coming to his rescue over every little problem. Hopefully, your family can get the help you all need.

Good luck!

 

[gambler]

First I want to thank everyone that replied. I will take many of your suggestions. I would love to work this out.

too add, help set him up with a financial budgeting plan, he may need to be taught how to manage money, to plan for unexpected costs and a tiny bit away at first for retirement. Lots of kids these days are not taught how to manage money and how to prioritize spending. (may be helpful for your wife as well to see what her spending is doing to her own family's finances).

Good luck....

I don't know that teaching him about money would do any good. He knows about money. He is just a mooch and user and seems proud to be one. He told me that growing up when he wanted something all he would have to do is cry, whine and either his mother, aunt or grandmother would get him what he wanted. He said it was easy to get anything. So to me it seems he knows what he is doing. He is just a user. He has even gone as far as getting student plus loans (student loans that are actually parent loans) and just telling his mother that these are student loans and she just needs to sign them so he can stay in school. And of coarse she signed them without reading so now she (really me) is paying loans for his college. But she sees no harm in being lied to and used. I must try to get her to see what is going on. I have my work cut out.

 

[gg706]

Good Luck! I hope everything works out. I do think that the "loan " issue needs to be addressed. I would NEVER sign any papers without speaking to my husband first and my husband does not sign or take out loans without speaking to me. I also never sign ANYTHING without reading it first. Since she already signed them and the loans have to be paid, I think your wife needs to take on another job to earn that money since she got her self in that situation. It seems your wife's family has created this problem, your wife probably grew up quite a bit like she raised her son and it is what she is used to doing. She needs to learn it is OK and VERY healthy for a parent to say NO to a child. I would sit down and talk to your wife and then both of you sit down with her son and let him know he is now an adult and is on his own and to plan to take care of his own problems and life because you are out. Make it VERY clear to both YOU are DONE financially supporting him.

 

[pinkchick]

WOW! How on earth did she ever support herself and her son before you came into the picture?


Yes, we have a responsibility to our children.......but that sense of responsibility if often confused with a sense of guilt. I wonder how much of her giving is pushed or motivated by guilt?


I believe, you need to sit down and talk with her about this.......your first priority as you know is being able to care for the child that is still completely dependent upon you, not the adult child. It's not fair to your 12 year old and it's not fair to you .

This young man of 22 has it all worked out and knows exactly how to get what he wants from his mother and it takes away from everyone involved. Her paying for everything for him certainly isn't doing him any justice.


$11,000 a year adds up over the years......



I wish you luck and remember that when you sit down to talk with her...it is absolutely the right thing to do and it's going to be very hard, but stay the course.

 

[missnu01]

Dealing with mixed families are hard, so you telling her that she is mollycoddling her son probably won't help, simply because you are a step parent and it is a common thought to think that the step parent doesn't love the child as much as the natural parent...so when you say she should do this to help him get on his own, she just hears a person that doesn't care as much as she does giving her advice. Most of the time people don't feel that the step parents are as invested in a child as the original parents, and usually that is the case...It is tough, but you just have to treat her like an adult and explain that she needs to treat her adult son like an adult, and that you can't afford to keep up everyone. That is the way things are...I am a deal with it or get out sort of person...so if she isn't willing to bend, and you aren't either, then things need to be broken.

 

[gambler]

WOW! How on earth did she ever support herself and her son before you came into the picture?

She managed but was in small debt and her bills were always late. I thought she was just having a hard time being on her own.

 

[SillyChicken]

First I want to thank everyone that replied. I will take many of your suggestions. I would love to work this out.


I don't know that teaching him about money would do any good. He knows about money. He is just a mooch and user and seems proud to be one. He told me that growing up when he wanted something all he would have to do is cry, whine and either his mother, aunt or grandmother would get him what he wanted. He said it was easy to get anything. So to me it seems he knows what he is doing. He is just a user. He has even gone as far as getting student plus loans (student loans that are actually parent loans) and just telling his mother that these are student loans and she just needs to sign them so he can stay in school. And of coarse she signed them without reading so now she (really me) is paying loans for his college. But she sees no harm in being lied to and used. I must try to get her to see what is going on. I have my work cut out.

Well, now that we know the rest of the story..... He needs cut off completely.