A lil help with a 14 year old

[SarahBeth9394]

I'm going to say something that I almost never say because I have very strong views about it. The boy needs evaluation (his behavior could be caused by a developmental disorder), counseling and maybe (another thing I almost never suggest) even medication. He may need to be removed from the home because he is dangerous. Being 14 I don't think he truly grasps the depth's of how wrong abuse is. He probably doesn't even consider it abuse but thinks of it as fighting back to get his way. He needs to be told by others that his behavior is unacceptable and will be punished by the law if he does it again. Then if he does hit again the mom needs to call the police.

 

[Germaine_11.20]

Police do not like to get involved. Been there done that and would do it again.

17 year old started acting like that at 14 (oh the magic age of boys) I did call the police when he hit his 15 year old brother and left marks.
The police were quite nasty to me about he call. Telling me if I would control him better and have better discipline.
Excuse me??!! I do as much as humanly possible, but he does have control over his body - not me. And if I were to try and ground him, he wouldn't stay (did that many times). If I hit him, child services would come after me.
It is a very difficult age.

I would still call the police if physical violence is involved. Perhaps give them a heads up of what is going on and maybe they can scare the beejeebees out of him.

I finally managed to get mine to understand that my house, my rules and loss of all priviledges unless he behaved. And I did stick with that.

I think the thing that made him come around was just plain talking with him, letting him know that I loved him and explaining that I knew he wasn't happy, and that until he was 16 and could drive it would be tough. He's not a boy and not a man. But that then he would be able to get out, get a job, have more things to do.

I explained I understood his frustrations but couldn't allow the poor behavior. It took a few months but he did better.

Do be prepared for the worst. Some will do it.

Age improves them the most. They usually "grow" out of it.

PS.. I think the pepper spray is a good idea if they get out of control. Didn't try that, thank heavens they have outgrown all of this.

 

[wombat]

I'd suggest having a discussion with him when he is calm and not acting up. Explain to him that what he is doing is wrong, that he has to follow Mom's rules, and that his physcial confrontations won't be tolerated. Let him know he'll be going elsewhere if he can't comply.

If he hits anyone again, call the police, and let them haul him off. They'll involve social services, and he'll get evaluated. It'll also probably scare the

out of him to sit there in lockup wondering if he'll ever be allowed home again. Might make him re-evaluate his behaviors.

 

[GaNewChick]

Someone write to Dr. Phil ~

 

[wombat]

Quote:
Because entertainment television solves everything!

 

[GaNewChick]

Quote:
Because entertainment television solves everything!

He is very good at what he does ~ and might be able to offer her the resources to get him under control before something bad happens.

This family needs some serious counseling.

 

[rainplace]

I agree with being evaluated. And just like any condition I would then get a second opinion.

I also agree that what this child is doing is domestic violence. She needs to protect herself and her daughter. PERIOD. She should call the police next time he gets physically out of control. It's time for her to take her life back.

I can't believe that someone would say not to call the police if someone is being violent. My neighbor's sister was murdered by her daughter. The instrument of death was a sledge hammer. The daughter was 17 and had been violent in the past but had only been hitting her occasionally. Turns out the girl had a severe form of bi-polar disorder.

 

[gritsar]

I'm begging y'all not to turn this into an anti-cop thread. Yes, the police should be called for incidents of domestic violence and if the boy attacks them (law enforcement officers) they will pepper spray him. Would you rather they shoot him?
My DH was attacked by a 14 yr. old out of control boy. He peppered sprayed the snot out of him. The single mom was standing right there and applauded my DH.
Still, IMO it's not right to call the cops every time a kid gets out of control and starts breaking stuff. How can anyone expect the police to come and solve a problem that's been in the making for years?
So yeah, call the police for acts of domestic violence but don't expect them to clean up every bit of a mess of someone else's making.

From the BYC rules: 3. No Flaming (verbally attacking people or groups of people - e.g. a profession, an organization, a company.)

I'll probably get in trouble for this post, but I'm sorry. It hurts me deeply to see someone attack a profession that my DH has devoted 28 years of his life to and been rated as one of the most professional and caring officers in our county.

 

[NGT ANGL]

I agree with the suggestions that everyone has posted - police intervention for the domestic abuse, intervention by adult males close to the family, evaluation and therapy/drugs if needed. IMHO though, another part needs to be added to make this a whole - I believe the mother and the daughter may need therapy/counseling as well. If this has escalated to these heights where the young son is abusing them, it would seem to me that they need professional help to not only learn how to deal with it in the present but also and especially for the young daughter, help so that she will see this for what it is and not end up in an abusive relationship herself down the road. History tends to repeat itself and if this is what she is growing up with, she may see this as being the rule rather than the exception.

 

[PoultryPedia]

My ideas:

First off, praying to be guided in what can help definitely helps!

I've heard that with rebelling teenagers, taking away stuff can sometimes be useful. Not just stuff like ipods, the tv, etc., but basics like more than 2 changes of clothes, blankets & pillows from bed (You do have to leave the bed--legal requirement for providing care, I believe), etc.
Also stop cooking, driving or doing laundry for the child.
Then let the child earn them back one at a time by them not doing specific negative behaviors and doing positive behaviors to get specific benefits or things back.
However, such measures need to be carefully evaluated, pre-planned and explained, consistently carried out.

Sources of the child's distress need to be explored and being remedied to help create relief from those for the child, at the same time the parent and the rest of the family are beginning to be given relief from the child's earlier poor choices of actions. A child would likely do better at talking about these with someone from outside the home either alone or also with family members.

For each family member to mention things that they like that they notice other family members do is a booster to increase positive actions, good feelings, self esteem, and better relations.

It would probably really help if individual family members can take part regularly in outside activities to help dilute the effect of intensity at home and build up their emotional strength.

If the family is able to pretty regularly do something fun together that is cooperative and enjoyable--such as building something fun in the yard, playing a not-very-competitive game, baking cookies, etc.--that would also help build a positive group foundation with more consideration for and enjoyment of each other. The rebelling teen may not join well or at all at first, but may over time, and that can lead to much better feelings.

I have not formally applied the above to such a situation, but there are my ideas of what would help.