A lil help with a 14 year old

[Boyd]

This is a hard question to answer. I'm not a big guy, but I've always been strong, so having larger teenagers in the house now doesn't bother me. I just pick them up and pin them if needed. In the case of a single mother.... involve the cops if it's domestic abuse....

Now if I wasn't in foster care and wasn't a mandatory reporter this is what I did waaaaaaaaaaay back in my former life. I had a little brother who was big. He went after my mom. Once.

I was about 20 or so at the time and I took him for a drive and told him we were going hunting. Obviously since I didn't bring a gun or my orange he started to freak out when we got out to the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere. I explained to him that if he is ever to lay hands on a woman again, or disrespect my mother again, he would live a very long time. And regret every moment of it.

The threat was enough to stop him dead in his tracks. I never had to do anything physical but he respected me, and my mom after that.

Now for a single mother.. She definitely has to break this cycle. She has to become the alpha dog and not the other way around. It's VERY hard to do but they do make quite a number of self protection devices. I'd never advocate using them unless the cops have been involved numerous times otherwise DHS will take all the kids. If there is an uncle, grandpa or another man figure that can step up, it needs to be done.

And that boy needs his hide tanned good.

 

[Eggs4Sale]

Quote:

 

[McCord6]

Now hearing all of your comments and suggestions, things are sounding VERY hopeless on my side. He HAS ADHD, we know, and IS on medication, if only he would TAKE IT! Mom tried even grounding it up into his food but when he found out, things got ugly.
Counseling has already been tried, NO LUCK!
Hubby said that if it wasn't for children service, him and his dad would of gone over there and beaten the TAR out of him for touching his mom and sister (his sister is 3 years older then him but half his size).
This is EXTREMELY fusterating. I did, PERSONALLY, told him that if he touches his mom or sister again, I WOULD BE THE ONE TO CALL THE COPS! Trashing the house isn't my main point, hitting his mom and sister IS!
There was this movie, a Madea movie, that had a single mom of 3 kids and the oldest boy's father was exactly the same as this boy's dad. I thought it was a good educational movie for him so I had him come over and watch it. I told him to REALLY watch it and THINK about the boy in that movie. Gosh, that doesn't even work, he shrugged it off and said WHATEVER.
Taking stuff away from him is a NO GO. He doesn't CARE. His mom has to CONSENTLY bug him over and over and over again on even taking a bath, he tears up his clothes even if his mom just baught them like 2 DAYS ago!
Guess Im going to have to talk with her and see if I can help her out on trying to find some way help him. He wants to join the military, but there is NO way he is going to be able to do that with the behavior and attitude he has now (he whines that he hurts just so he doesn't have to do what he is told). I'm going to do more dept research and see what I can find, maybe talk to the local sheriff department and ask them for some advice.
I feel bad for her. I will knock my son SILLY if he treats me like that. She said he has always been out of control and spoiled by grandparents until they passed away. After they passed away, things gotten worse (they lived with grandparents for almost all his life, mom caring for sick parents).

 

[wombat]

Quote:
Because entertainment television solves everything!

He is very good at what he does

You and I will have to agree to disagree on that one.

 

[debilorrah]

McCord this is a VERY complicated situation. I would advise seeking counseling for the parents and therapy for the child. And closing this thread before if gets ugly. Violent teens are not a joke. It is serious because his actions move toward the ones that care for him - it could very well spill over to the general public. PM me if you want to talk.

 

[that_crazy_lady]

so sorry to hear about this

if I was in your friends shoes I would be looking for a boys home/boot camp. I know you said she looked into that, but I would hope there is something out there that would help.

it sounds like he needs an invierment that will not let him get away with disrespect to others or himself, and mom is too fearful to make that happen on her own. my heart gos out to the whole family.

it's not hopeless

 

[unionwirewoman]

He is obviously VERY angry about something . If he doesn't want to go to therapy , then his mother HAS to be the one to try....without being hurt . Like other humans...or dogs for instance , you can always tell when they're getting to their "limit". When you see the child start to act up (especially at this age ) it's better to sit down , and let them talk . DON'T be confrontational , just walk up to them...tell them "I see you're upset....would you do me a favor and come and talk to me about it ?" . There is something on his mind that is making him furious....and yelling , dictating will not help . It's not an overnight solution...he might open a tiny crack the first time (YOU HAVE TO CATCH IT FROM THE VERY START !) but the next time should be easier , so on . I DO not agree with him being violent....but someone with a calm voice , and willing ear should remind him of this . DON"T tell him you're behavior is bad....list the reasons why he shouldn't be doing it while keeping a calm voice . This is just my opinion.....should it not work in the first outbursts or agressive attempts , then just don't talk to him.

I hope all the best for this family....been there...still kinda going through it .

 

[Eggs4Sale]

I don't know about where you live, but here, we have the Young Marines for kids, and Border Patrol Explorers for kids. I know little about them, except that they march in formation in the parades like they're little soldiers. I don't know if the Marines deal requires you to have a Marine parent, but the BP one does not, as my niece and nephew are in that. I would have thought they were headed to loser-ville like their older sisters till they joined that group.

Your situation does sound complicated, primarily because there's no on/off switch. It's hard to determine if it's a medical issue or a behavior-only issue.

Why was therapy not helpful?

(Therapy wasn't helpful for me as a teen either, so I'm not trying to sound surprised.)

 

[AndreaGS]

Hooo boy. This kid is used to throwing his weight around.

Is he in therapy? Sounds like he is very used to escalating the situation. Attention should be given when his behavior is neutral or good or even when it's somewhat in the right direction, and withdrawn when he is misbehaving. If he won't remove himself from a situation to calm down, she and her children need to remove themselves (do they have a room with a lock?). If he won't calm down or starts destroying property, call the cops. He is getting to the age where he needs to understand that there are very real consequences for out-of-control behavior.

I'd clear out his room, too. Things to be earned back one by one for good behavior (or even behavior that isn't bad!)

She needs to pick her battles. He gives her crap about taking a bath? Fine. Who cares. He can be the stinky kid in class. There's a low threat to his health here. He tears up his clothes? Stop buying him new clothes. Go to the thrift store. He gets an allowance of clothes per month, year, whatever, and if he tears them up...too bad.

The medication is a tricky thing. I'll bet you there's no real reason he doesn't want to take it. I would bet A LOT on it. But this is his thing. He's picked something that means a lot to your friend (of course it does!) and he fights it. I'll bet just this one conflict sucks her dry every day, and he knows it. Huh. Not sure how to deal with this one. Maybe consult his doctor.

Don't bother inviting him over to watch inspirational movies. Don't expect or look for remorse, either.

One of the things that happens a lot with ADHD kids is that they'll push the situation, and if you react...if you yell, scream, get upset, they've won. Suddenly, they don't have to take responsibility for their behavior because you've lost it. They can't focus on more than one thing at once, so they focus on YOU losing YOUR head, and are blind to their own responsibility in any conflicts.

So keep hysterics and frustration to a minimum. I'll bet he's getting something out of all this attention, all this tension, all over HIM.

A great book your friend might want to look into is "Transforming the Difficult Child" (distasteful title, but WONDERFUl book). A website where she can find support and suggestions - www.conductdisorders.com.

They often say it takes a village to raise a child, but a kid like this...it takes a whole city. Any local resources? Social workers might be able to help her out, as well as the police, or therapists.

Unfortunately, there's really no one-stop solution. He's in the habit of doing these bad things to get your friend's attention and energy, and habits are always hard to break.

ETA: Just something for your friend to remember - he is doing these things because he KNOWS they upset her! First step is to stop getting on the rollercoaster with him (be warned, first time she disconnects emotionally from HIS misbehavior, he will keep trying to escalate in an effort to get her to react). The person who is more in control of their emotions is usually the person who is more in control, period.

 

[horsejody]

Maybe she should consider Boystown. It's near where I live. I have never heard a negative thing said about their programs for problem and troubled kids. They have the knowledge, resources and role models necessary.

http://www.boystown.org/Pages/default3.aspx

Their web page has information about their hotline. Parents can call for advice. The site also has admission information. They are experts. Let them help.