A lil help with a 14 year old

[redhen]

I believe that you can indeed turn a 14 yr old kid around. I believe it because i have seen it many times in my job.. Just saying..

Then there ARE the ones that you cant turn around no matter what you do.. which is a sad thing..

 

[92caddy]

Ive been watching all of this thred and I can tell you frist hand, that a wild/mean 14 year old can be changed around, I have one right now that is my partners nephew. We've had him a month or so, we have had our hands full some days and some days hes the best kid ever, we live from day to day, but he is NOT the same kid that we got a month ago. His daddy passed away and no one wanted him, he was on his way to foster care and we decided to take him in and give it a try, and I can tell ya some days have BEEN A BIG TRY. Some days I was ready to pack his bags and take him to foster care and some days, NO ONE would dare try to take him from us. Its been very trying, we've had our ups and downs, but things are working out just fine, took awhile but its all working out. I wont go into details on here on some of the things we have dealt with and/or how we dealt with them, lets just say there is a thing called tough love and the less some people know about, the better off we are, cause that is what worked for us, but Im sure some would have some problems with the way we dealt with of the issues, its been tough for all of us, him and us and other family members. Before we got ourselves into this, we made it clear to ALL other family members, that we would need ALL of their surpport, love and help and no matter what happens, stick to the plans, the rules and NEVER back down to him and Never show him weakness, always back eachother up, always surpport eachother, dont give into him one inch. I made it clear to everyone that WE had to ALL work as a team at ALL times. I was in the Army and I worked in this field for 3 years, so I had a plan and ideas on what and how to deal with him, the key thing was to let everyone else know and that EVERYONE was A TEAM. It is working great for us so far. We have had good days and bad days, trust me, we have been hit, kicked, spit on, swore at, you name it, he has threw it at us, well remember that tough love I talked about above, well that has worked well for us.

What alot of it came down to was, getting him to open up and tell us what was hurting him so much, that made him act out the way he was. We had to breck down that wall of his, get him to see there was nothing he could do to hide from us and that that NO matter what it was, we were here to help him cause we LOVED him NO MATTER what. Once his wall fell in and he relized we were here no matter what, he finally gave in, pured his heart and soul, cryed like a baby, and so did we, and OMG when he told us what was hurting him so bad, no darn wonder he acted the way he did. I know very few people who could have lived thur half of what he has seen and been thru. My heart went out to him. Im still in shock from some of the things this kid has seen/been thur. BUT he is now on his way to turning around, we have good and bad days, more good then bad. He knows we are here for him no matter what, no matter what he throws our way, we will take it and deal with it in whatever way it needs to be.

The most important thing for him was to learn/feel/hear that he is loved, needed/wanted and no matter what, we are here for him, good or bad, we are not going no where and neither is he, we are in this together, for ever, and once he got all that in is head, he started to turn around. Thank God, cause I dont know how much longer we could have held out trying to hold on to him. We went thru hell with him some days, we dont look back, we only look forward.

Im going to stop there. I didnt mean to hijack this thread or tell everyone my sad story, I just wanted to tell you that it CAN be done, you may think you wont live thru it, but you can and will. You will want to give up soooo many times, but you cant and you have to get into the heart of the kid and find out what is wrong, until you get into his/her heart, it will be a rough road. What worked for me may not work for you. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me and ask, I will help out all I can, maybe you will help me out in someway. Sorry, Thanks and Good Luck.......

 

[teach1rusl]

Yep...some serious psychological evaluations needs to be done!!! And the police need to be called ANY/EVERY time he raises a hand to his mother/sister. I don't think this mother is ever going to be Alpha in this house hold, because I doubt that this behavior (from this adult man-sized 14 yr. old) came out of nowhere. This has been allowed to develop over YEARS. If Mom didn't put her foot down when he was 10 (whether gparents spoiled him or not), it's unrealistic that she can do it now.

So calling law enforcement is her best bet. He HAS to learn that he can't get away with hitting people, because he's a wife abuser in the making if not...maybe a child abuser if he has kids. When people think that overpowering others physically to get their way is the best choice, they're not going to limit who they apply that too (obviously, since in this case it's his own mother).

 

[92caddy]

What worked for us, was NOT to call the law, everytime he acted out he wanted us to call the law or the foster home lady, but we wouldnt allow it, like I said before, what worked for us was TOUGH LOVE, OUR WAY, not the law's way. I wont go into how we handled him, but it worked for us. It wont work for everyone thou.

His way out of getting out of trouble was to call the law, they would come and tell him to behave and tell whoever it was that he was with at the time that they couldnt do this or that and so on. He knew the system and trust me he used it to his fullest. Plus it was going to end him up in a juvy home, which to me was not helping none, what does that solve, just being thrown into a place like that? To me dealing with him head to head his way worked for us. Im Thankful I had Army training to fall back on and me having worked with his kind in the past, was very helpful dealing with him.

I dont want to upset anyone or hurt anyones feelings, but what worked for us, may or not work for you.

Also something that was a big help was changeing his diet, once we found out how his brain was working or not working and some of the labels he came with, we did some research on his labels, the goods and the bads and how they affected him, we made some changes to his diet and that helped alot also. Some foods were helping him to act out. We cut out alot of sugary stuff, red dyes and stuff and added some things that were a big help to him. We seen some changes in him with in days of working with his diet. It was amasing to say the least.

 

[rainplace]

Quote:
Oh wow, diet... so many people never consider it. I do want to add though that in this situation we have a woman and her daughter who, if I understand the op, are getting hit by a much bigger than them teenage boy with obvious anger control issues. It doesn't sound like they are physically capable of handling it themselves and shouldn't have to.

 

[92caddy]

I agree.

We went thru some of that with our boy. Thank God he dont act like anymore.

There are so many ways to deal with things like this and so many different opinions, I hope and pray they find a way that works for them and everyone stays safe. I wish I lived close to them so I could try to help them in some way. Its such a shame to have to go thru something like they are. It can be very trying and really wear one out.

 

[deb1]

Quote:
A lot of parents blame grandparents for their children's behavior. I have always thought that was a cop out. My husband's father tried one time to go against my rules. That was the last time it ever happened. Parents have the legal power to decide who their child is visiting. If a grandparent is spoiling the child to the extent that it is harmful to the child then stop seeing those people until the grandparents agree to your rules. (by the way, I am a grandma)

I think that it is too late for the mom to be the alpha in this relationship also. She has let the boy get by with too much and probably for too long. This problem didn't happen over night. I can't imagine my neighbor's ADHD child to ever touch her. She isn't a big woman but she has always had a certain attitude with him that makes him back down from her. I've seen her have to get in the boy's face a couple of times. But she always set consistent rules and enforced punishment. He isn't on meds either.

The mother needs help to get this boy in line. Evaluation and possibly police help is needed.

By the way, my friend also changed her son's diet

 

[rainplace]

McCord6, I'm wondering if you have had a chance to speak with your friend since you originally posted this. For some reason this thread has stayed with me and I'm thinking about them.

 

[cmjust0]

To know what to do about the situation, you'd first have to understand what led to the situation.. You can't just ship the kid off to boot camp or Dr. Phil (good grief, people) or whatever..

Gotta get to the root of this.. His dad split at some point...start there. Was he OK before that? Did he see his dad treat his mom like crap? Did he see his mom treat his dad like crap? Does he hate his dad for leaving? Does he resent his mom for what he sees as her responsibility in driving his dad away?

Clearly, he's angry about something.. If someone can get him to cough it up, it can be worked on. Trying to achieve any kind of resolution without a basic understanding of the problem is like trying to slap a bandaid on a bullet hole.

 

[littlefarm_bighappy]

I grew up with an abusive older brother that broke my nose, bruised me weekly, and made life hell for all of us.
I put the blame squarely on him and my parents for allowing that crap.
My mother's reaction was to swoon and wail.. "I shall NEVER forget the day my own son called me a W*ore!" while he merrily beat the tar out of us younger kids. My father grabbed a beer and sat in the woods.
As someone who has been there, my advice is for her to man up and place his sorry as* in foster care. He has already learned that he can do as he likes and they have to take it. Let him spend a few months in a group home with hardened criminals. Then he can have the option of behaving like a gentleman and living at home with a loving family, or becoming a dysfunctional jerk and live with people who deserve him.

I AM a mother of a son, too, and I have often thought of "would i be able to do this to my own son? Would I be able to go this far?" And the answer is YES because the mere thought of living in that situation again makes my stomach turn. Or expecting my younger children to tolerate that type of life. It was HELL.